I wanted us to bump into each other randomly, I supposed. Like fate was telling us something. Renting a shack near his favorite beach was probably pushing fate's hand, but what if fate never pulled through for me?
I could get over myself and call him. Whatever. It was just a phone call. If he answered, I always had the option of hanging up.
I had a new phone with a new L.A. area code. He couldn't trace the call to me.
Caz's head lolled against the door frame and her eyes were closed, and Juanita was stretched out in the backseat sleeping. Before I could talk myself out of it, I leaned sideways and dug my phone out of the glove box. I dialed his number. With each ring, I felt my nervousness slip away, and something else fill its place. Relief? Disappointment? At last, his answering service picked up.
"Calling home?" Caz asked, yawning and rubbing her eyes.
"A friend in Palo Alto. He didn't pick up. No biggie." I mimicked her yawn, hoping I sounded ho-hum.
"Friend or love interest?" Caz asked perceptively.
"Just some guy I used to know." It felt weird to talk to Caz about Jude. Freshman year, Caz had become so much more than a best friend to me. I'd told her things I'd never told anyone, not even Korbie. We had too many inside jokes to count. We shared groceries and didn't divvy up the bill, because it wasn't about keeping score. What was mine was Caz's. We didn't keep secrets, either. And when we fought, we never went to bed angry. We stayed up until we worked it out, even if that meant pulling an all-nighter. So I felt guilty now, knowing that I'd kept Jude from her. But I wasn't sure I was ready to share him with anyone. Maybe because I never really had him. Because I wasn't sure what we had was real. We'd never had a chance to figure it out.
"We're young, Britt." Caz kicked her heels up on the dash. "We've alive. Save being cautious for when you're dead."
I watched her with admiration and jealousy. There was a time when I was like Caz. Blown by the wind. Hands in the air. But last spring break, in the mountains, everything had changed. I had changed.
Caz drove the last half of the trip. Juanita took shotgun, and I sprawled out in the backseat. I had to sing along to the radio to keep my thoughts on track. If I wasn't careful, they wandered back in time, to that night under the tree, replaying the secrets Jude and I had shared, and other things we'd shared.
An hour before sunset, I saw a sign for Van Damme State Beach. I felt a nervous little flutter in my veins. What if he was at the beach now? of course he wasn't. But he would be someday the beach meant too much to him for him to stay away forever. I could write our names in the sand, something sentimental and totally cheesy, and maybe weeks or months from now, he'd walk over the same spot, and suddenly, unaccountably, think of me.
"Take this exit,” I blurted without thinking.
Caz glanced at me in the rearview mirror. our beach shack was a few exits north of here, by the bay. I could tell that she was about to tell me this, but she saw my face and made the exit.
As the car slowed, Juanita sat up and stretched her arms. "Where are we?" she asked groggily.
"We're going hunting for abalone,” Caz said. What's abalone? she mouthed back at me.
"Sea snails,” I answered.
"Ah,” Caz said wisely. "We are hunting for sea snails, which may or may not be code for something else."
Caz parked, and I pushed out of the Wrangler and walked to the craggy cliffs and bluffs overlooking the ocean. My heart was beating ridiculously fast, and I was glad I had a moment alone to collect myself. Jude wasn't down there. I was getting worked up for no reason.
The sun's rays skimmed the surface of the water, shimmering a luminous silver. Sharp rocks dotted the shore and seagulls cried out, circling overhead. As I climbed down to the cove, I tried to picture Jude diving for abalone, at ease with the ebb and flow of the current tugging at his body. I never asked him how long he could hold his breath. Whatever his record, I had him beat. I'd been holding mine for a year.
Several minutes later, Caz scooted carefully down behind me. "Do you see him?"
"Who?" "
Abalone."
I made a face. "You are so dumb.”
”How'd you meet him?"
"You wouldn't believe me."
"He was the pizza delivery guy. Your best friend's boyfriend. The pallbearer at your great-uncle Ernest's funeral. Am I getting warmer?" More like he kidnapped me, held me hostage, forced me to guide him through the mountains in a blizzard, then saved my life, then I saved his life, we made out, and somewhere along the way I fell in love with him. Yup, that about summed it up.
"We don't have to talk about him,” Caz said. "But if he broke your heart, I will rip out his soul and feed it to my family's pet pig, Big Ol' Pig."
"That's reassuring."
"You'd do the same for me.”
”I don't have a pet pig."
"But I bet you have a pet potato,” Caz giggled.
I slung my arm over her shoulder. "Can I talk you into a beach walk?"
We left our shoes on, walking along the gravelly sand, out of the tide's reach.
"Speaking of things I'd do for you,” Caz went on, "if you left your ice cream on the counter, I'd put it back in the freezer. If you left your coat at home on a rainy day, I'd drive it to campus."
"Where's this going?"
"And if, say, you left your cell in the car and it started ringing, I'd answer it."
I stared at her for three whole seconds before understanding dawned. "You answered my phone? Who called?" A whirlpool swirled in my belly.
"Some guy. He'd missed a call from you earlier, but you didn't leave a message, and he didn't recognize your number, so he called back."
"What did you tell him?" I said, my voice creeping higher with panic. "Did you tell him my name?"
"I told him if he really wanted to know who the phone belonged to, he could come to Van Damme beach and find out for himself.”
”You didn't!" I grabbed her elbow, propelling her toward the rocky cliff leading back to the car. "We have to leave. Did he say how far away he was? Is he all the way back in Palo Alto? Stop dragging your feet, Caz!"
"That's the crazy thing. He said he's already here.”
”He did not!" I said, my voice shrill.
"He had to dry off, and then he was going to meet us in the parking lot. I told him that's where he'd find us."
I could feel heat surge into my face. I was suddenly terrified I'd see him. And terrified I wouldn't. "We have to leave. We have to go, Caz!" The rocks were too steep to climb, so I grabbed her hand and started running toward the softer sand dunes farther down the coast. I had to beat Jude to the parking lot. I'd interfered with fate, and this was my payback. Yes, I wanted to see him. But not like this. I didn't know what to say, I hadn't thought of the perfect words yet, and my hair was messy and windblown, and what if he wasn't alone? What if he was here with her?