I sat down on the edge of my bunk, but I set my hand against his chest, holding him at a distance. “I’m sorry,”
I said softly. “Tabs said they’ll take better care of me if we’ve never…” I trailed off.
“I should be your first,” said Benjy, sitting beside me and lacing his fingers in mine.
“And you will be.”
“No, I won’t. Not if you go with Tabs.”
I shook my head. “They won’t count. They will never count. It’s just you, and it will always be just you, okay?
You’ll be the first I love and the only one that ever matters.”
He rested his forehead against mine and squeezed his eyes shut. “If something happens to you—”
“That’s what the club’s there for,” I said. “To protect me.”
“They didn’t do a very good job with Tabs.”
“Tabs does extra stuff on the side,” I lied. “I’ll be okay.
It’s one month, and then it’ll be over, and it’ll be me and you for the rest of our lives, okay? Maybe no one will even want me.”
Benjy gave me a look, his eyes rimmed with red. “If they don’t want you, they’re crazy.”
I kissed him again, this time chastely. “Just forget about this part and think about what it’ll be like when you get your VI, okay?”
“I can’t,” he said, his voice breaking. “It isn’t fair to me, Kitty, and it isn’t fair to you. I love you, and nothing will ever change that, but I can’t sit here and do nothing while they—while they—” He shook his head, and the cords in his neck strained. “I can’t.”
“Then don’t,” I said, my chest tightening. “If it’ll make it better—”
“Nothing is going to make this better. You have no idea what you’re getting into.”
“I know,” I whispered. “But I have to. And by the time it’s over, we’ll have enough saved up to get out of here. Go anywhere we want. You’ll have your pick of assignments, and we’ll never have to worry about any of this again. Until then…” My mouth went dry, and I tightened my grip on his hand. “Until then, I think we should break up.”
Benjy stiffened beside me, but he didn’t say a word.
He didn’t have to.
“You’re right,” I said. “You deserve better than this.
Better than having me as a girlfriend. Better than having me ruin your life. So—let’s not anymore. Not until it’s over. When you’re a VI, if you still want me…”
“I’ll always want you,” he said, and he looked at me, his face red and his eyes filled with tears. “I will always want you no matter what rank I am, no matter what rank you are, and no matter what you have to do to survive.”
I brought his hand up to my lips and kissed his knuckles. “Then when you’re a VI, you can choose me. But you deserve to have that choice in the first place. So— so I’m giving it to you.”
“By breaking up with me.” It wasn’t a question, but I nodded anyway.
“Until you’re ranked. And then you can choose what kind of life you want. One of us should.”
His shoulders slumped, and he leaned toward me.
“Kitty…”
The sharp rap of knuckles against the front door made us both jump. They were back.
Benjy and I exchanged a look. Without a word, he went to shove a chair underneath the doorknob while I grabbed my duffel bag and climbed a bunk to reach the nearest window. If I was lucky, they wouldn’t have the whole place surrounded. If I wasn’t— “Tabs!” Nina’s greeting echoed through the thin walls.
I relaxed and jumped from the bed, landing with a thud.
“It’s her,” I said, trying to reach around Benjy for the door. “I have to go.”
He didn’t move. I tried again, and he still didn’t budge.
“Please, Benjy—this is the only way,” I said. “It’s only a month, and then everything will be better.”
“You don’t know that for sure,” he muttered, his arms crossed tightly over his chest.
“No, but I know that whatever happens, it’ll be better than going to Denver and losing you forever. Please.”
I set my hand on his and watched him, silently begging him to move. I didn’t want this. If I’d had my way, I would be a IV, and everything would be okay. But I’d failed a single test—the only test that ever mattered—and now I had to face the consequences. And because Benjy loved me, he did, too.
At first he didn’t respond. After a few seconds, however, he gave in and hugged me.
“Come see me tomorrow,” he said. “Wait for me outside the school, and we’ll go to the beach. We’ll swim and watch the sunset and forget this ever happened. Promise me.”
I nodded. If I didn’t, he would try to track me down anyway, and Tabs with her big mouth would probably be more than happy to tell him exactly where I was. “I will. I love you.”
Finally he stepped aside. I gave him a lingering kiss and touched his clenched jaw, and before he could say goodbye, I was gone.
The night air was cool on my bare skin, and I followed Tabs through an alleyway full of overflowing trash cans and leering men. Now that I was marked, I could leave home after dark, and there was a sense of tension that unnerved me.
Shields patrolled the streets, scanning every face that passed. I kept my eyes glued to the ground and my hair in my face as I followed Tabs, who balanced precariously on stiletto heels that made her bare legs look longer, all the way up to the few inches of skirt she’d squeezed into. I was dressed similarly, but because I was half a foot shorter, the skirt covered me to midthigh. She wore red lipstick and charcoal around her eyes that made them stand out, but I’d refused when she’d tried to do mine.
Her dark hair was curled, and it was so long that it nearly touched her skirt. I’d run a comb through mine, but that was it.
“Is this typical at night?” I said quietly as we passed another Shield who kept his hand on his gun holster. “So many Shields and all?”
“Sometimes,” she said with a shrug. “People drink too much and get rowdy. It gets really bad on the weekends.”
“Today’s Tuesday.”
“Whatever.” She eyed me. “You and Benjy didn’t do it last night as some sort of screwed-up goodbye, did you?”