I didn’t know how she knew Brandon and I didn’t care. I didn’t even care that she might be the demise of the private club. All I knew was that I had to have her. I had to get to know this wonderful, mysterious girl. Even if it changed everything in my life. Especially if it changed everything.
***
It had only been two days, but everything in my life felt different. Suddenly the sky seemed bluer and the grass seemed greener. Even the sounds of the birds chirping had become a melody I didn’t want to stop. And it was all because of her.
It scared me how Meg now occupied my mind. How her body made me feel. How she made me feel. I felt like a new man. Everything in my life had changed the day Maria died. My whole world had come crashing down and I hadn’t known which way was up. I felt responsible for her death even though I hadn’t been the one to pull the trigger. She had died because of a series of events that I had put into motion.
Ever since that day, I’d been trying to seek redemption for my sins. But I’d known that whatever I did wouldn’t be enough. I’d never be enough. My life was never going to be more than it was.
But then she arrived and everything changed. I found myself opening up to her. I was drawn to her like a moth to a flame, and she was drawn to me. I tried to warn her to stay away. I knew that I would end up hurting her as well. But I’d rather she hurt because of my rejection than because of the real me. I wouldn’t be able to stand to see the look in her eyes when she realized who I was.
I wasn’t proud of myself. I tried to warn her. But I just couldn’t step away from her. I didn’t want her to leave, yet I needed her to leave. Meg Riley was going to be the undoing of me and it scared the hell out of me.
I opened the files on my desk and looked at the files of all the girls I’d sent away. There had to have been at least five hundred girls that had gone through the club now. five hundred girls, yet it wasn’t enough.
“Greyson?” Patsy knocked on the door and then walked in. “Are you busy?”
“No, come in.” I looked up at her and smiled.
I felt ashamed for the way I had treated Patsy. She had always been loyal, from day one, even though I had treated her like shit. We’d slept together for about a week when she’d first started and then I’d just stopped wanting to be with her. I hadn’t liked the fact that she had seemed to be falling for me, so I’d allowed her to walk in on me f**king another girl. It had seemed easier than telling her that I hadn’t wanted her anymore. She’d never complained or screamed. She’d just accepted it and kept working for me. And now she was one of the only people who knew that went on at the club. She knew everything.
“I wanted to see how you’re doing.”
“I’m fine. Why?”
“You’ve seemed different.” She shrugged. “More antsy.”
“I’m fine.”
“You can leave this all behind you know, Greyson.” She walked up to the desk. “We could leave, let someone else take over. You don’t have to do this anymore.”
“I can’t stop now.” I shook my head. “This is my bed. I need to lie in it.”
“No you don’t,” she countered. “This doesn’t have to be your life.”
“Patsy, is there anything else?” I sighed and looked at her expectantly. I didn’t want to be rude and throw her out of the office, but I was getting annoyed.
“I thought you didn’t believe in love.” She bit her lip and stared at me. “I thought that the reason you were the way you were was because you couldn’t love.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“But you’re different. You care about that Riley girl, don’t you?” Her eyes looked sad. “I wondered why you hired her. She doesn’t fit the mold of the girls we accept at the club. Not the old club or the new club.”
“Patsy,” I started, but she shook her head.
“No.” She sounded upset. “I just wished I understood what she has that I don’t. I’ve seen it all, Greyson. I know who you were and who you are and I’m still here.”
“I know and I appreciate that.”
“I’m still here. I’ve always been here. I’ve kept your secrets, but you still don’t love me.”
“I don’t love anyone.” I sighed, not even knowing how I felt any more.
“You don’t see it yet, but I do. We all do.” She turned away from me. “But she’ll destroy everything, Greyson. She won’t be able to accept it. I know girls like her. She doesn’t know what life is like. The real grit, the dirt, the hard times, the bad times, the evil times. She doesn’t know it like I do. She’s not worth your energy, Greyson.”
“Please don’t talk about her like that,” I said softly, trying to hide the anger building up in me. “Please, Patsy.”
“You don’t even know her!” Her voice rose. “How can you feel this way about her already? I’ve been here for years.”
“Patsy.” I sighed. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.”
“She’s going to bring it all back up, you know. That girl Nancy? She came to me, but I don’t know where she went. She’s Maria’s sister, you know.”
“I know.” I nodded. “I know a lot of things, Patsy.”
“Oh?” She looked at me then and her face stilled.
“I know about you and David.”
“What?” Her eyes popped open. “I never told him anything, I swear.”
“I know, Patsy. I trust you.” I walked over to her and hugged her. “I trust you and I love you like a sister, Patsy. But I don’t love you as anything more. I will never love you like that.”
She didn’t answer then, but I could feel wet tears on my shoulder as she sobbed. I held her tight, sad that I had broken her in this way. I felt sick to my stomach. It seemed that all I did was bring pain to women.
I allowed her to get it out. But as I stood there, all I could think about was Meg. My beautifu,l wonderful Meg. I knew that she had questions about the club. She had questions and she had theories. I was scared to tell her the truth while she still had some hope about me. I knew that once she knew the truth she would be gone and I’d never see her again. And I wasn’t ready for that to happen just yet.
I wasn’t ready for the heart I hadn’t even known existed until a few days ago to break already.