What, she desperately wanted to know, was the right choice to make?
Sean had been quiet for most of their walk from her classroom to the restaurant, and she’d been glad for the space and the chance to process her thoughts a little before she brought him up to speed on everything that had happened since that morning. But now as they ate their slices in silence, he looked serious, and a little sad. But also like he’d made an important decision. A big one.
“I’ve never shown this to anyone else,” he said when their plates were empty. “I never thought I would.” He reached for his wallet and pulled out a folded piece of paper, quickly scanning it in a way that told her he already had every word memorized. “My mother wrote a special letter for each of us when she was in the hospital.”
She couldn’t stop her hands from shaking as she took it from him. “Are you sure you want me to read this?”
“If she were still here, I’m positive this is what she’d say to you. To both of us—since I don’t think I ever really took it in all the way until today.”
My darling Sean, I remember the day you were born, how bold and strong and sweet you were from your very first breath. You smiled at me, and even though all the books say babies can’t do that on their first day, I knew they were wrong. Because you’ve always been special. You’ve always been such a joy. And even when you were naughty, it was all I could do not to laugh right along with you every single time. I’ve loved every second of being your mother.
Serena looked up from the letter, unable to stop her tears. “Sean,” she asked again, “are you sure—”
He nodded. “Keep reading.”
I’ve been writing this letter to you in my head for a long time, since before I got sick. Ever since I realized just how good you are at everything. School. Sports. Photography. Girls.
That made Serena laugh through her tears before she realized it was bubbling out.
“I know,” he said, a small smile also playing on his lips despite his otherwise extremely serious expression. “She got me with that, too. On purpose, I’m sure of it.”
Life is full of choices, always and endlessly. It is, I promise you, one of the joys of being alive, even if it doesn’t always seem like it when you’re frustrated and overwhelmed and being pulled in different directions. But through it all, here’s what I hope you will know, and remember, no matter what: It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks you are, Sean. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks you should be, or what the right path is for you. All that matters is what you think, and what you feel. Because all the answers are right there inside your head, your body, your heart.
It’s perfectly normal to be led off course and away from the answers that are right for you. We all are, for both good and bad reasons, by both good and bad people. But no matter how dim, how dark, how numb or static things may sometimes feel, the true answers are always within you, and have been from that very first moment when you looked into my eyes and smiled at me.
The page was blurring so badly that Serena had to stop to brush away her tears—carefully, so that they wouldn’t fall on the letter. She needed to pause for a moment, too, so that she could settle her heart down and make sure she took in every beautiful word Sean’s mother had written for him.
The answers are in your dreams. The answers are in the things you’re passionate about. The answers are in what brings you joy. You can follow the path that everyone assumes you should follow. Or you can do what really matters most to you.
And when you do, I promise that you will always be supported by the people who love you exactly as you are: Strong. Smart. Talented. Uniquely, perfectly you, with a heart as big and boundless as the sky.
I love you, sweetie, not just from your first breath to my last, but until forever.
Serena’s tears continued to fall as she read and reread the letter until she’d committed it to memory. “Thank you.” Each word was drenched with tears. “It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever read.” Or that she ever would.
Sean carefully folded it and put it back into his wallet. He kept it with him all the time. She would have, too.
They had walked out of the restaurant and were heading back to campus by the time she felt composed enough to say, “Everything your mom wrote...I know she wrote it only for you, but it feels like—”
“She wrote it for you, too. Somehow she must have known you’d show up right when I needed you most.”
“Just like you showed up for me.” Serena wiped away the last of her tears and knew the power of his mother’s letter had seeped into her veins. All the way. “I need to make a call. A couple of calls, actually.”
“Okay, but I want to go with you when you see Smith and your mom.”
She should have been amazed at how perfectly he could read her mind, but their connection had been like that from the start. “I want you to go with me, of course I do, just like I wanted you there with me in class today. But I have to prove to myself that I’m strong enough to deal with it by myself.”
“You’ve already proven that, Serena, over and over.” He reached for her hand. “You’re not alone anymore. You have me. And you should know that from all the texts and emails I’ve been sent since the birthday party, my entire family has adopted you, too.”
She had to kiss him. Had to tell him in the most basic of ways just how much he meant to her.
He reached into her bag and pulled out her phone. “You’ll feel better after you’ve called. It won’t be hanging over you anymore.”
Knowing he was right, she dialed Smith’s number. “Smith, hi, it’s Serena Britten.” It sounded like he was at a big, loud party. “Is there any way we could meet before next week? I can come to Seattle any time that will work for you.” She shot Sean a surprised look at Smith’s response, then said, “That would be great. See you soon.”
She hung up, then told Sean, “Smith is currently in San Francisco, but he’s heading out for Seattle tomorrow morning, so he told me to come up to his house tonight. Now, if at all possible.” For all that she was determined, just thinking about what she needed to do next had her belly fluttering. “Guess I should let my mother know about the impromptu meeting, shouldn’t I?”
Sean took her face in his hands and kissed her until her brain melted out her ears. It was, she had to admit, the perfect way to make her belly flutter for entirely different reasons.