“Take your hand off me!” I shouted.
“We’re not f**kin’ done.”
“We’re done!”
“No we f**king well are not!” he yelled.
Then it all came out in a humiliating, painful burst.
I couldn’t control it, I had to get it out; the burning hot knot would kill me if I didn’t.
“I’m protecting you!” I screamed, “Don’t you get it? I’m protecting you!”
He blinked, slowly, his brows coming up in surprise but I kept going and I did it loudly, shouting at the top of my lungs.
“You deserve better than me, Hector Chavez! You’re a good man from a good family surrounded by good people. My father was a Drug King, he kills people, it’s what I am, he made me. And Ricky Balducci raped and brutalized me, you know it, you saw it, you were even there!” I screeched, out-of-control, breath coming fast, eyes stinging with tears. “You saw me! You told me you’d never forget. You saw me! You’re better than that and I know it. You deserve more than that. You don’t think you do but you’ve got a tattoo on you that reminds you to think with your head, not your body. I don’t want to be the next tattoo you get when you learn your lesson one day and realize what you’ve done, that you could have had better. That you could have had more. That you could have someone good and clean and right. Someone who belongs at your side. Not someone vile and ugly and tawdry and used that you should have never, ever, ever settled for!”
He pulled me closer, muttering, “Mamita.” And I saw it in his eyes, they’d gone so warm they burned a hole straight through my heart.
With superhuman effort, I yanked my arm out his grasp, whirled and ran.
“Don’t follow me,” I shouted over my shoulder as I saw him advance into the hall. I stopped and turned again. “Don’t!” I shrieked, my voice so shrill, it was like a physical thing, clawing through the air.
Then I whirled again and ran, blind, mind blank, heart beating so hard I thought it’d hammer out of my chest.
I pushed through people, felt hands on me, heard calls, shouts, even grunts but I ran through it all, straight to the counter. I yanked open a drawer and pulled out the keys to my apartment.
People got in my way, I heard their voices speaking to me urgently but nothing penetrated.
I dodged, ducked, yanked my body away. I heard a gravelly voice say, “I got her,” but I was gone, out the door into the cold night air, running.
After a block I bent double, pulled off my shoes and threw them in traffic. Then I sprinted like the devil was at my heels, the second block then the third then the fourth, on the fifth I was at my apartment building. I threw open the outer door, punched in the security code, yanked open the inner door and darted into the lobby. I hadn’t been there since the rape and I didn’t think about it. I ran straight to the stairs, stitch in my side, breath rasping in my throat, up the four flights then out into the hall and to my door. With shaking hands I tried to unlock it. It took me three tries and then I was in and I stopped, looking around in the dark, feeling the emptiness, remembering…
My nails went to my scalp and I ripped them through my hair, felt them, painful and harsh, as I dragged them along my scalp, down the back of my head, pulling the ribbon free.
I couldn’t be there.
I couldn’t go to Art.
I couldn’t go to Ralphie and Buddy.
I couldn’t go to a Rock Chick.
I couldn’t go to Hector.
I couldn’t go anywhere.
There was no where I belonged.
Nowhere safe.
I went to my bedroom, quickly walking through, the memories of the night when Ricky broke in stabbing at my brain. I walked straight to the sliding doors that led to the balcony. I closed the door behind me and stepped out into the cold. Then I plastered my back against the stone wall and drifted down, my shirt and skirt snagging against the stone, down I went until my bottom hit the concrete. My knees were up and I put my cheek against them and I tried to find one of my Sadies to help me.
But they were gone.
Not on vacation, not having cocktails, not getting facials, my Ice Princess, Attitude Sadie, Take Charge Sadie and Pretend Sadie had all vanished. They didn’t exist anymore. They weren’t there to be called.
It was just me.
Only me.
I was all there was left.
I wrapped my arms around my legs, the cold night air crept into my bones, I kept my cheek to my knees and I sat there in the dark stillness of the night.
Alone.
* * * * *
The sliding glass door opened.
I heard it and kept my cheek to my knees, my face turned away, my body so cold I was shivering.
A hand slid along my lower back, another one under my knees.
I twisted as the arms lifted me, I turned to fight and stilled at what I saw.
I thought it would be Hector.
It wasn’t.
It was Duke.
He carried me into my bedroom, set me on my feet and turned to the sliding door, pushing it shut.
Then I watched in stunned silence as he came to me and, when his arms were wrapping around me, pulling me tight to his big, warm body, I heard a violent noise coming from outside the apartment, like a body had thudded against the door.
I jumped and my head snapped around.
“Hector,” Duke said over my head. “He’s out there, the boys are with him. They’re holding him back so I don’t have a lotta time.”
My lungs seized at his words and, even though the warmth of his body was heating me, I still shivered.
“Knew your Mom,” he went on. “Didn’t know her well. I was a student then, gettin’ my Master’s but I hung out at Ellen’s store. Ellen was Indy’s Grandma, she gave the store to Indy when she died.”
I didn’t reply. I stood in his arms and tried to keep my mind blank but his words came at me and I had nothing left in me to fight in order to keep them from penetrating my brain.
“I used to study there, made friends with Ellen. Katie, Indy’s Mom, Lizzie and Kitty Sue came in all the time. So did your Dad.”
I sucked in a shocked breath at this announcement and waited.
“Loved your Mom, your Dad did. Thought she hung the moon. You could see it every time he looked at her. I didn’t get a good feelin’ about the guy but Ellen thought he was special. ‘Sharp as a tack, big heart.’ She told me. She had good instincts. She could sense things in people. She never shared much but she did tell me things weren’t happy at home for your Dad. It wasn’t a good place for him to be. So he spent all the time he could with Lizzie.”