“And they’re okay with it?” Now my voice was quiet but squeaky.
“They got more years than us. They know you’re a good woman. They want you to be happy. And they sure as f**k want me to be happy. They’ve done enough judging when it was not their place and the judgments they cast were f**ked. They learned, honey. It is not lost on them that life is life and the goal is to gather as much happiness as you can while you’re livin’ it. Things mighta gone differently if I made a move while my brother was alive. They mighta frowned on that. Then again, they knew in their guts he was doin’ you wrong so they might not. We’ll never know. Right now, there is no one to hurt in this scenario ’cause the one who woulda got hurt is dead.”
“You have all the answers,” I noted, but not in a sarcastic way. It was just that he did have all the answers, answers to difficult issues I thought had none at all.
“That’s because there are answers to be had.”
“Why do those answers come easy for you?”
“Because I’m not makin’ them hard.”
I felt my brows knit. “Do you think that’s what I’m doing?”
“I think you loved my brother and you think you’re betrayin’ his memory by lettin’ yourself have what you want, goin’ there with me. But his memory is a memory, baby. There is nothin’ to betray. It boils down to a decision you make about what you want. And I know I’m hammerin’ this point home, but it’s a point that’s there for me to hammer. That is, he betrayed you before he got taken from this world. So my question is, why, when he’s gone, would you keep the faith?”
“You’re very angry at him,” I whispered, not having a good feeling about what Ben was making plain and not having that good feeling for a variety of reasons.
“Yeah. ’Cause I loved him and I’m pissed he’s dead. I’m pissed why he’s dead. I’m pissed at myself for what I did to you after he died. I’m pissed at what he did to you and my folks and my family before he died. I gotta work through that and I will. But don’t twist that shit in your head to make what I want from you to be about that. I knew a girl in high school who was sweet and spicy and I pissed away my chance with her back then because I was young and stupid. Years later, after I learned not to be stupid, I got my shot, so I’m takin’ it. Vinnie just happens to be what happened to you in between. It sucks because it makes it harder for you, but that’s what it is to me. He made this complicated. But that’s it. Now it’s just you and me.”
Listening to him, letting all he was saying sink in, I felt my breath escalating, but in a way where it felt I was finally getting oxygen after ages where I wasn’t able to breathe.
“You’re saying all the right things.” I said this as a defensive accusation because I wanted to breathe; I’d just been living without oxygen so long I didn’t trust it.
“No, I’m not. I’m sayin’ things that are right.”
Instantly, his words forced a giggle to burst out of me that I couldn’t hold back.
Benny was grinning at me when he asked, “That’s funny?”
“It was the right thing to say,” I explained, grinning at him back.
Taking in my grin, suddenly, he tugged my hand across the table and I watched in utter fascination as his dark head bent over it, then felt the utter exquisiteness of his lips brushing my fingers.
He kept tight hold of my hand, even as his eyes lifted to mine.
“Coupla weeks ago, you trailin’ me back to Chicago, you pulled off to follow Vi, I felt fear, baby. Came out as anger, but it was fear that cut right down to the bone. Sal told me they got you, it carved out my insides. Couldn’t think, ’cause I knew if I did, I’d think of wastin’ my time, not sortin’ shit out with you. Hit that forest, saw you on the ground draggin’ yourself through those leaves. Only thing that stopped me unloading my clip in that motherfucker was Vi shoutin’, and you looked in my eyes and mouthed her words, makin’ a f**kin’ joke. Pure f**kin’ Frankie. I have never loved a woman, not in my life, not like that. Honest to Christ, you’re crazy-beautiful and I was into you, but I don’t know where that emotion came from. I just know that whatever that is I felt that day meant something and that something is huge. So I wanna know the good parts of feelin’ that. All I’m askin’ is for you to let me.”
I stared into his eyes, words clogged in my throat, thoughts crowding my head, feelings gathering around my heart, but before I could get a word out, in a quiet, deferential voice, our waiter said, “My apologies. The lady’s Bellini.”
With a practiced hand, even though Benny and I were both leaned into the table, he set it by my place setting and whisked himself away.
But both Benny and I had shifted slightly back to let him in, and as he whisked himself away, Ben stared at his back like he wished he had a knife he could throw at it.
“Ben,” I called.
He looked at me.
“Minute by minute, honey,” I whispered.
He closed his eyes, his hand still in mine squeezed hard, and I lost his face when he again dropped his head, lifting my hand, and touched his lips to my fingers.
Through this, I clenched my teeth, held his hand, and fought back tears.
He put our hands to the table, gave me his beautiful eyes, and whispered back, “Minute by minute, baby.”
* * * * *
Three and a half hours later, I came out of the bathroom to find Benny in the bed, eyes to the TV. As he’d been in a suit, in order to lounge, he’d changed into pair of gray, blue, and red plaid pajama bottoms with which he’d paired a white tee that fit loose at his belly, snug at his chest.
I bit my lip and headed to the bed.
“Pill’s on the nightstand, honey,” he muttered to the TV.
“Thanks,” I muttered to the covers I was pulling back.
I slid in, turned, saw the pill Ben brought up for me next to a glass of water he also brought up for me, and I took it, feeling warm and good, and it was pure insanity, but I also felt happy.
I settled in beside him but down in the bed, head on the pillows, because I was exhausted. I didn’t even have it in me to sit upright.
After the heavy, dinner went great. The food was phenomenal. Benny and I chatted and bantered and laughed and fell into what we used to have in a natural way, except it was what it used to be when we were friends, plus a whole lot more.