I scramble for it, my hand closing around the hilt as Oliver rolls on top, choking Ethan, his legs thrashing wildly.
‘Chloe,’ Ethan gasps, clawing blindly at Oliver. He turns his head, his eyes meeting mine in a desperate gaze. ‘Help me!’
I watch, frozen. They’re fighting for their lives because of me. Because of my choices. And I can’t go back, I can’t change a thing, I just have to decide, right now.
It’s me, it’s all on me.
So I choose.
I deferred college for a year. It was long, drawn-out process of frustrating phone calls, pleading with distant administrators and wrangling with my dad, who couldn’t fathom why I would hit pause on my future for something he described as trivial as Mom’s ‘woe-is-me self-indulgence’.
‘I don’t expect you to understand,’ I said through gritted teeth, gripping the phone so hard I felt it dig into my palm. He had loved Mom for twenty years then left without a backwards glance; now he was surprised I wouldn’t do the same. I swallowed back my anger, doing my best to soften my voice. ‘Dad, things are really difficult here. Can you maybe send me the money you were going to pay for tuition now, instead?’
‘I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that.’ Dad sounded distracted. ‘That money was tied up in a specific fund, the rules for withdrawal are very particular. And I don’t think you should be worrying about things, your mom can look after herself.’
‘But Dad . . . ’ I paced in the small storage room, trying to control myself.
‘I’m sorry, pumpkin.’ He had the nerve to use my childhood nickname, as if I was asking for an advance on my allowance to buy a new toy, not keep the electricity turned on. ‘Things are tight for me too, with the baby coming. If you’ve made the decision to put off college, that’s your decision, but I can’t support it, not financially.’
I hung up, my heart thundering in my chest, anger still hot in my veins. I should have known better than to expect help from him; still, it surprised me afresh every time he let me down.
He’d left us, and now, every day, he chose to stay gone.
I wouldn’t be calling him again.
‘There you are.’ A voice brought me out of my thoughts. I looked up to find Sheriff Weber loitering in the open doorway. ‘I can’t find the incident report sheets; do you know where you keep them now?’
‘Sorry!’ I exclaimed, tucking my phone away and pasting on a bright smile. ‘I was just getting more ink for the printer. Be right there!’
‘No hurry,’ Weber added, yawning. ‘It was just Mrs Farnham’s dogs acting up again, Kelly Bates says they went after her cat. Take your time.’ He shut the door and I was left alone, in the narrow storage closet that housed office supplies and spare uniforms, and all the many reams of paperwork that the Haverford County Sheriff’s department required.
This was my new job, my new life now: receptionist, filing clerk, and general errand girl down at the police precinct. It wasn’t much, and I’d been lucky to get it at all. With diner traffic slowed to a trickle, Loretta could only offer me weekend shifts, so I asked around town and found they needed someone on the front desk at the station. It was basic work: filing, answering phones, taking lunch orders from the motley crew of local deputies, but I didn’t mind the boredom of the work, it left my mind to wander, free to focus on a plan. A plan to keep my sanity intact; a plan to get me through this.
A way to keep hold of normalcy, even with my life slipping further and further out of reach.
It had been a month now since the end of summer, and I’d got us through this far. I used my summer earnings to pay the most overdue bills, and drained the last of Mom’s savings account. I rode my bike and took the bus to save on gas money; kept the heat turned off as long as possible, and took home dinner from my shifts at the diner, as many nights as I could. With my new wages at the sheriff’s department, and the meagre diner tips, I figured, we could just about make it to spring. Mom would be better by then.
She had to be.
I grabbed the box of cartridges and stepped back out into the main floor. The deputies had all abandoned their desks for lunch, but I found Weber by the front reception, regarding the files covering the floor with a twitch of bemusement.
‘Sorry.’ I hurried to explain, hoping I hadn’t done the wrong thing. ‘I know it looks a mess, but I’m reorganizing. Some of the guys were saying they couldn’t find a thing.’
‘Hey, good luck to you.’ Weber backed away from the mess, as if the avalanche of files teetering precariously on the desk were about to crush him. ‘The incident paperwork?’
‘Right.’ I looked around, then delved into a blue folder and found the right forms. ‘And do you need to file a report with Animal Control too?’
Weber sighed. ‘If I have to. One of these days, someone’ll just shoot the damn things, and then where will we be?’
‘Filing more paperwork,’ I replied wryly.
Weber cracked a smile. ‘You ain’t wrong there.’ He paused, loitering by the desk. ‘Have you heard from Alisha?’
‘Not much this week. Just a couple of emails and texts,’ I replied, sorting files again. ‘She said things are still pretty crazy.’
Weber nodded. ‘It’s strange to have her gone. Her mom keeps setting an extra place at the table.’ He gave me a faint smile, almost lost. ‘We’ve been calling, but, she’s so busy now, with classes . . . ’ He trailed off.
‘It’s just the first semester,’ I offered. ‘I’m sure once she gets into a routine, she’ll have more time.’
‘I know.’ Weber gave a nod, then tapped the desk. ‘OK then, I’ll be getting back to work.’
He headed to his office, leaving me alone to work through the filing.
Alisha couldn’t understand why I stayed. But why would she? I’d never told her what was happening with Mom, so she didn’t realize how bad it had become. She departed town in a car packed high with boxes, and I’m sure, she never once looked back. At first, she texted and called every other day. I could hear the uncertainty in her voice as she gossiped nervously about her roommate, and the dizzying size of campus, and how she needed to spend every night in the library, just to catch up. But quickly, the calls dropped off; became shorter and rushed. She found a group of girls to hang out with, and chattered happily about their pizza parties and study nights.