I dropped my fingers from their position on the strings, letting the song die without a name. The whole world seemed pointless. But I couldn’t let my mind wander that path; the trying-to-find-meanings-or-reasons-for-life path. Every time I walked that road, I came to the same conclusions, leaving that train of thought with nothing more than a large suitcase of frustration. Perhaps we were here to love, or to experience many trials—or maybe even to feel. I didn’t know. Pain was the only one that even touched the reality of living. So, maybe the meaning of life was to cram as much pain and heartache as we could into the puny timeline of our miserable existence.
Satisfied with that dismal conclusion, I started playing again, watching through the window as Dad and Mike played chess. It was like looking across the waters of reflection, reading the story of my life; two elements of my past—from different worlds—coming together in battle. They moved in slow motion; Mike rolling his head back, laughing at Dad’s witty move; Dad coughing into his hand at Mike’s reaction. And it occurred to me then, as I watched their hands meet in the offer of peace, that this was it. That was my Dad and my fiancé. There would be no more boys for me. Mike would be my first—and my last. A chapter of my life had ended before it even began.
Perhaps that’s why my dad liked Mike so much; he’d never have to worry about me ending up with a loser—or alone. But that didn’t save me from eternal loneliness.
Losing my soul to the calm whisper of the breeze and the warm September sun, I hummed softly, singing a few of the words to a song—one that made my soul ache to hear, but to play, only seemed to bring clarity. “I wish I could see you, but you went away; you left me defenceless, in the cold and the rain. I found my way home, and the world was all right, ‘til the darkness came, and took my knight.
“When I look in the mirror, the face that I see, wears the scars of her past well, but she isn’t me. I lost myself somewhere, when I walked to the light. For the darkness came and took my knight.”
The melody rang in my ears, forcing a tiny, stinging tear to the corner of my eye. I never cared much for the words before, but today, it seemed they were written just for me.
By my foot, a grey fluff-ball meowed, forcing his spine against my ankle. “Feel like flying up into a tree, Skitz?” I joked with a weak smile as I placed the guitar on the ground and let my heart sink down with it.
The cat looked up at me, his big, yellow eyes soft and round.
“Okay.” I chuckled lightly. “Maybe I like you a little.”
“I should hope you like me a lot—since you’re marrying me.”
“Hey, Mike? Did you win?”
“Nah.” He placed his hand down on the grass, the rest of his body sinking into it. Skittles leaped onto his front paws, ready to run if Mike was a threat, but then just closed his eyes, without re-adjusting his position, and started purring. Mike laughed at him. “Your dad’s too quick. He beat me twice.”
“He never beat my mum, you know? Not once,” I said.
“Yeah? I didn’t know that.”
I nodded.
“You’re not upstairs putting on your war paint?”
His soft tone provoked my tears; I forced them back with a shrug. “It won’t take long once I start.”
“Hm.” He picked a strand of grass and curled it around his finger.
“What’s hm?”
“Are you sure you want to do this, baby? It’s not too late to change your mind.”
“Change my mind? About what?”
Mike pushed up off the ground, shuffling over to kneel in front of me. “You don’t have to marry me. I’ll be okay if you say no.”
“Why would you think I don't want to marry you?”
A watery glaze glimmered under the light of the sun in his eyes. “Since I asked you, you haven’t been happy. Not really.”
“I’m trying, Mike.”
“I know. But is trying enough, Ara? Am I enough?” The pain in his words came through with the firm clasp of his fingers around my hips. Mike was scared—I could feel it. He had as much to lose here as I did. I mean, was love enough for this relationship to work, when it wasn’t enough for David and I?
“I just need to get away from here, I think, Mike.” My voice trembled. “I wanna go home.”
“Ara. Baby.” He pulled the swing into him, wrapping me up in his arms. “That’s fine. We’ll go. We’ll leave tomorrow, if you like?”
“I would—but, I think we better plan it properly first.” I flashed him a grin, which he returned.
“Oh, baby girl. You’re gonna be so happy. I promise. I’ll buy you a house and give you everything you want.” He squeezed me way too tight, forcing me to hold my breath against the base of his jaw. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too, Mike.”
And that was the truth. It felt good. Normal.
I knew I should be with Mike, should go home to Perth—and everything would be right again in the world.
The quiet whispers of my family lilted up the stairs, carrying my mind back from the hold of a masked stranger’s gaze. Her blue eyes stared out at me from a place and time I no longer belonged. She was the lie after the truth, hiding behind this beauty in a blue dress. And I couldn’t stand the sight of her.
Somewhere, at some point, I’d split in two. The innocent, dream-believing girl that tragedy left behind disappeared when David ran away with my heart. I was his picture of beauty, created by him, for him, but I’d never feel his cool fingers under the ribbon of my corset, holding me close as we twirled in our graceful, eternal dance. All that was left was the other half of me—the shell. And I’d dusted enough shimmer powder over my skin that I could almost disguise myself as a sparkly vampire. No one could see the depths of my darkness underneath. Except Mike. He knew there was something different—that something had changed. But I bet he never even conceived of the idea that my depression went so deep the fear they all had that I’d top myself was slowly creeping into possibility. I’d overheard him tell my dad he was worried—that I might be depressed. My dad just said it wasn’t a possibility; it was a fact, and all we could do was just be here for me. But the ever-watchful eye of my fiancé was getting overbearing. When he came to my room earlier, I called him to enter, completely ignorant to the fact that, while I was standing by my mirror, trying to re-pierce my ear, I was only wearing my underwear and bra.