“Oh my God! Are you okay?” She demanded in a panicked voice. “I'm fine, Mom. It's Clay. He tried to kill himself.” “Oh, Maggie! Where are you? We're coming to get you!” I told her the hospital name and she assured me that she and my father would be there as soon as possible.
I hung up and dropped the phone onto the table beside me. I stared blankly at the TV mounted on the wall, unable to move. How did things get this bad so quickly? How could I have allowed it to get so out of hand? I blamed myself entirely for Clay being here.
I should have stopped him from leaving town. I should have forced him to face what was going on with his parents. But most of all I should never have ignored how badly he needed help. I was the biggest culprit in the enabling category. My “love” had only made things worse for him. Because I had refused to see what was right in front of my face. My denial had failed Clay. I put my face in my hands and cried.
A while later, I felt a hand touch my shoulder and I sat up with a start. Nurse Burke stood over me with a kind look on her face. “He's awake and asking for you. I shouldn't let you back to see him, but he's been very agitated, demanding to see you. We've had to give him a sedative. But I can only give you a few minutes.” I got to my feet. “Thank you so much.” I whispered as she led me back through a set of locked doors. The hospital smell made me feel light- headed and I tried to keep my breathing even and stay steady on my feet. Nurse Burke pushed aside a curtain and ushered me inside.
Clay lay in a bed, with a bunch of wires hooked up to his body, the beeping of machines echoing much too loudly in the small space. “You can only have a few minutes. I'll be back.” Nurse Burke said, before leaving to give us some privacy.
Clay noticed I was there and watched me as I came to his side. His eyes were heavy and clouded with the sedative. The white of his bandaged wrists stood out against the blue hospital blanket. He was deathly pale and he looked at me with an unreadable emotion as I gently took his hand in mine.
“Maggie.” He said. His voice sounded as though he had been chewing broken glass. My name roughly rolling off his tongue. I carefully sat down on the edge of the bed. “Hey.” I replied, trying hard to smile. Clay closed his eyes. “I'm so sorry. I can't believe I did this to you. I'm just so, so sorry.” I didn't say anything, just leaned over and pressed my mouth to his cheek. His skin was cold on my lips.
“You're parents are on their way here.” I told him, and he only nodded. The nurse must have already told him. “They're going to put me away.” He said matter of factly. “I know.” Was all I could reply. Clay opened his eyes and I could see a spark of the old Clay there, hidden in their depths. “They're going to take me away from you. That's exactly what I didn't want to happen.” He told me flatly. I could see him struggling under the weight of his sedation.
He reached out to touch my face, but his fingers fell back to the bed before they could make contact. “You look so sad. I did this to you. I hate myself for making you feel this way. I ruin everything. I always have.” He said, his voice deadened by the drugs. I shook my head. “No! Don't say that. It's not true.” Clay closed his eyes and leaned back against the pillows, almost as if it were too painful to look at me.
“I can't keep doing this to you.” He whispered, putting his hands up to cover his face. I needed to put an end to his bitter self-loathing. I just didn't know how. “Just stop this, Clay. You need to worry about getting better. Nothing else.” I said with more conviction than I felt. I reached up and pulled his hands down. “Please, just get better.” I begged him. He covered my hand with his and held it to his face. “I love you, Maggie. Forever. I was being selfish, only thinking about myself. I should have put you first, always.” He agonized, showing more feeling than he had since I walked in. I didn't say anything more. I pulled myself up onto his bed and spooned my body against his and held him until Nurse Burke returned.
As I was forced to leave his side I turned back to look at him one more time. Who knew when I'd get to see him again? His eyes met mine and he looked completely and utterly shattered- broken. His expression was haunting. And was burned into my mind.
Once back out in the waiting room I was greeted by a very angry Mrs. Reed. Mr. Reed stood behind her looking bland and disinterested, as though he'd rather be in a meeting at work than a hospital waiting room. Regardless that his son had been admitted there for trying to take his own life.
Mrs. Reed took two steps and leaned in uncomfortably close to my face. “What did you do to him?” She hissed. I reeled back in surprise. Was she for real? I almost laughed with the absolute absurdity of her question. To think this self-important bitch could actually stand there and place the blame for Clay's condition squarely on my shoulders. Especially when the root of so many of his problems rested solely with the two narcissistic people standing in front of me.
“Does this amuse you? And here I thought you and my son were in love. When in reality you're that little gold digging mooch I knew you were. Did you talk him into leaving town with you? Have him take you on some whirlwind vacation with our money?” She spat at me with all the venom she could muster.
This time I did laugh. “Oh yeah, because the Motel 6 is livin' large.” I said sarcastically. Mrs. Reed looked as though she wanted to slap me as her hand tensed by her side. “My son is a very sick boy. He doesn't need to be led astray by a selfish little bitch like you.” The hatred in her voice startled me. What in the world had I done to garner such a strong dislike from this woman?
Though if I thought about it, I knew Mrs. Reed's problem was that she wanted to place blame anywhere and everywhere but where it belonged; with she and her husband. She couldn't see her own failings as a parent, so instead I became the bad guy.
Well screw that!
So, I got right back in her nasty, smug face and poked my finger in the middle of her chest. “Back off Mrs. Reed. Your son is lying in a hospital bed after slitting his wrists because the two of you have been more concerned how this could make you look, rather than involving yourselves with what's going on with your son.” Mrs. Reed's face turned crimson and her jaw clenched.
And I wasn't even close to being done speaking my mind. “Maybe if you spent more time being actual parents, he wouldn't be where he is now. In ICU! After attempting suicide! I love your son. More than anything. And because I love him, I can recognize that the best thing for him is to get help, even though that means he will go away. I love him enough to realize my desire to be with him is not necessarily what's best for him. And I hope you can remember that he is your son. Your own flesh and blood! And that what he needs more than anything, is love and support. Not judgment and condemnation. And he sure as hell doesn't need you pressing bogus charges against him! So, for once, maybe you can do what he needs rather that what you want.”