Renee didn’t say anything. There was no need to point out the obvious: If I was so worried about repercussions, I shouldn’t be doing it in the first place. If I really cared about my future, I should end things with Maxx and forget about him.
But that would make things entirely too simple. And clearly my heart didn’t like simple.
Renee reached out and stroked the back of my head. “I honestly don’t think Brooks would do that to you. He’s your friend, Aubrey. You would never have gotten close to him if you thought him capable of such bitchy behavior.” Again, my suddenly wise roommate was right. I couldn’t imagine Brooks being so hateful.
Then again, it was hard to forget the anger and hurt on his face when he realized what was going on between Maxx and me. The truth was, I just didn’t know who and what to trust anymore.
“I wish I could tell you what to do, but if you hadn’t noticed, I’m not the best one to give relationship advice. I can only tell you to be careful. I don’t want to see you getting hurt,” Renee continued, giving me a look full of sympathy.
Oh, how times had changed. Not too long ago I was bestowing those particular looks on her. I had sunk so low.
Before I could drop to the floor in a flood of self-pity, Renee’s phone dinged, letting her know she had a text message. She picked it up off the coffee table and read it, her face contorting in a mixture of anger and fear.
“What is it?” I asked, watching as she hastily deleted the message.
Renee forced a smile and tucked the phone into her pocket. “It’s nothing,” she lied.
I narrowed my eyes at her, and she lifted her shoulders in a shrug. “It’s just Devon,” she replied.
“Devon? I thought you guys were done?” I asked, hoping I hadn’t missed a major shift in my roommate’s circumstances while I had been wrapped up in Maxx.
“Oh, we’re done. He’s just having a hard time accepting it,” she muttered.
“What did his text say?” I asked. Given Devon Keeton’s stellar personality, I could hazard a guess at the contents.
“Nothing, really. He just has a fondness for some not-so-nice words.” She shrugged again.
It was on the tip of my tongue to say something nasty about her ex. But I stopped myself. Renee was holding strong, though I worried about how long that would last. And I knew my hateful remarks wouldn’t help anything, even if they made me feel better. Looking at Renee, I could see how much Devon and their relationship had taken their toll. But she still loved him. I could see that plain as day. And that love was hurting her.
I couldn’t help but wonder if I was in a similar situation. My feelings for Maxx were causing me to make decisions I never would have made in the past. I was forgetting about everything that had mattered to me, potentially throwing it all away to save a boy I was pretty sure didn’t want to be saved.
Love made us stupid.
Love made us blind.
Love could incapacitate us and leave us powerless.
And love could also make everything better.
I couldn’t let myself think anything else.
But Renee’s love had come close to destroying her. It hadn’t fixed anything. There was a new realization in my friend’s eyes that had never been there before.
I reached out and squeezed her hand, offering support, which ultimately is all that any of us wants. She tried to smile, but her mouth twisted into more of a grimace.
“I’ve got to head to the library. Will you be here tonight?” Renee asked.
“I’m not sure,” I answered honestly. Because I knew if I could find Maxx, I wouldn’t be coming home. Already, I was twitchy and anxious to be with him again. We had been together just that morning, yet here I was fidgeting and restless like a junkie needing my fix.
Maxx was my drug.
Renee’s lips turned upward in a sad smile. “Just don’t get dragged down by him, Aubrey. Learn from my mistakes,” she cautioned. I wanted to blow off her statement, but I couldn’t. She was right.
After Renee left, I gave in and tried to call Maxx again. And again he didn’t answer. I thought about leaving a message but decided against it. He’d see that I had called. I only hoped he’d call me back.
I couldn’t sit around my apartment waiting for my phone to ring. It was sad and pathetic. I had things I should be doing. I had work that needed to be done. I had been neglecting school in the past few weeks, and I would have to work my ass off to get back on track.
I gathered my book bag, trying not to focus on the state of my bedroom, which also had been neglected due to my obsession with Maxx. The amount of dust had me fleeing quickly.
Once on campus, I headed for the back entrance of the psychology building. I had forgotten to check Dr. Lowell’s symposium schedule for the week, and I didn’t want to make things worse for myself by not showing up to the class.
I hoped I wouldn’t run into my adviser, but I should have known I wouldn’t be that lucky. The universe seemed to be turning up its middle finger in my direction lately.
“Aubrey! Come in and talk to me for a minute,” Dr. Lowell called out as I tried to slip into the reception area outside her office without being noticed. Clearly I needed to work on my stealth skills.
Facing my professor, whom I had a lot of respect for, knowing I was betraying the confidence she had in me, was a new kind of torture. I was fearful she’d look at me and know all my secrets.
I hated that this shiny new love I felt for Maxx also brought with it immeasurable amounts of guilt and shame. Why couldn’t Maxx and I have met under different circumstances?
But a part of me knew that a lot of what drew me to Maxx was the messy chaos inside him that had landed him in the group in the first place.
God, what did that say about me? Maybe it wasn’t Maxx who was the truly messed-up one? It was apparent my issues were just as damaging.
I walked into Dr. Lowell’s office and stood awkwardly inside the door. My professor looked up and gestured for me to have a seat. I scrutinized her face, looking for displeasure or anger. I was festering in my own distrust.
“Just give me a moment to finish this,” Dr. Lowell said, sorting through a pile of papers.
While I waited, I looked around the office I had spent so much time in. I could remember taking my first class with Dr. Lowell my freshman year. Psychology 101 hadn’t been the most riveting class, but I had loved Dr. Lowell’s teaching style. She had a way of inciting passion in her students that was awe-inspiring.
I had been lost and miserable that first year, after losing Jayme. My relationship with my parents was strained. I was hundreds of miles from home, and I was alone. I had cut ties with all my friends from high school and hadn’t been looking to make any new connections with anyone.