And then… and then I'd be tangled up in his life. His worldviews. His rules.
We'd be together, though, and he'd pull off his shirt and show me where his tattoos went. I would trace the lines with my fingers, and kiss his inked skin. That would be the good part, and if I could stay there forever, in that moment in time, it might be worth losing myself. Maybe for once I'd feel warm and safe.
I was supposed to start work on Wednesday at noon, but I was late because the school called. I immediately thought the worst—that she'd gotten hurt. To my relief, she'd just had a tantrum.
Bell was prone to these epic meltdowns, usually when she was hungry, but sometimes they just happened. I thought she'd outgrown them, as things had been relatively calm since the move to Surrey.
The woman from the school's office explained that I needed to bring her a change of clothes.
“Shouldn't I come take her home?” I asked.
“We feel it's in the child's best interest to have fewer disruptions. We try to carry on and keep things relatively normal, despite these incidents. It's like getting back on the horse.”
“Back on the horse,” I repeated, dumbfounded. Did everyone around here say that?
I asked for more details, and the woman explained what had happened. Another child had taken one of the classroom's hand-held video games from her, and she'd screamed and thrashed and worked herself up to the point of vomiting on herself.
Ah, the vomit tantrum. I was familiar with that one, unfortunately.
Poor Bell got the same bad temper as me and our mother.
Four of us sat in the nurse's room: Bell, me, her teacher, and the school nurse.
The teacher, a dark-skinned woman with brown lips and big eyes, said, “Mrs. Braun, you seem so young to have a seven-year-old daughter.”
I shrugged and twisted my lie of a wedding band. “My makeup hides the crow's feet.”
Bell was sitting at my side, listening in while pretending to be fascinated by a picture book on her lap.
The teacher pursed her brown lips, her judging eyes raking over my clothes. “Have there been any disruptions to Bell's home life recently?”
“Disruptions? Well, you tell me. We just moved here. She's only been at this school for three and a half weeks, dropped in from outer space, not knowing a single person.”
Bell looked up from her picture book. “Aubrey! We're not from outer space.”
The teacher looked at me sideways. “She calls you by your first name?”
“We're very modern that way.”
“I have some concerns.”
“Me too.” I grabbed Bell's hand. “Sweetie, do you want to stay here for school, or do you want to spend the afternoon with grandma?”
She kept looking at her picture book. “School.”
The nurse and teacher exchanged a look, and then the nurse nodded.
“She seems calm enough now,” the teacher said. “Before her outburst, she was telling the other students that her grandparents were ghosts. That they returned from the dead. Any idea why she'd say something like that?”
I looked down at her pudgy cheeks, her innocent face. She wasn't wrong. We'd been raised thinking our grandparents were dead, and now they were back. Alive again. I thought I'd smoothed it over with a story about how she'd misunderstood the stories our mother had told, but Bell had a good memory. A disturbingly good memory. Just not quite good enough to remember to call me Mom around other people like she was supposed to.
“She must have been telling one of her stories,” I said.
The nurse patted my hand, which I jerked away.
“Sorry,” she said. “I was just going to say that being a single parent is difficult. We have some programs through the school board, for single parents.”
I glared down at Bell. So, she'd also told people she had no father at home. What else had she told everyone? My ring seemed more pathetic than ever.
We talked a little more about bed times and getting Bell to get more sleep so she'd be less agitated during the day. The nurse wrote down a specific brand of vitamins they wanted me to pick up, and she tried not to insinuate I was a shitty parent, but I picked up on it loud and clear.
My cheeks burned with anger at being judged. They didn't know the sacrifices I made, and how I always put Bell's needs ahead of mine. To them, I was just some trashy single mother who'd be popping out another kid by a different father any day now.
The teacher kept staring at my stomach area, like she was checking for a baby bump.
I thought our “little talk” would never end, but finally it did.
With Bell in her new clean clothes, I hugged her and left her for the rest of the day.
Her grandmother would be picking her up after school, and I knew she would be in good hands, but as I walked away from the school, I felt like a failure. An utter failure.
Vitamins. I'd never given her vitamins, which made me a failure as a caregiver. And sleep. I'd been thinking that as long as she got a few hours' more sleep than I did, she'd be fine, but apparently kids that age need way more rest than she'd been getting.
Here I'd been thinking my mother was Parent of the Year, and it turned out I wasn't much better.
When I finally walked into the bar, I was half an hour late and full of apologies.
Bruce said, “Hey kid, if your face gets any longer, you're going to trip on your lower lip.”
“Not funny,” I said.
“Start drinking until I get funny. That's what I do.”
“I never see you drinking.”
He held his finger to his lips. “Shh, don't ruin my reputation as an unrepentant lush.”
I put on a barmaid apron and got to work filling the trays with citrus slices as he transferred ice cubes into pans from the big machine that cranked them out.
Bruce looked up at someone coming in the door and said, “Here on a Wednesday? You working on becoming a regular?”
Sawyer paused in his stride. “Are there any perks to being a regular?”
“A big chocolate cake on your birthday.”
“Really?”
Bruce grinned his crooked smile, his knobbed scar on his upper lip splitting that section of his dark beard. “Naw, not really.”
They both laughed their easy, masculine laughs. You never hear women laugh like that, and I don't just mean the voice. I mean the easiness. A big laugh over a dumb joke.
I grabbed a bar cloth and started making my way around the bar. “I should give your table an extra wipe, so your sketch book doesn't get sticky.”
Bruce called after me, “Hey, did you get that tooth yanked out or what?”
A couple of grizzled old-timers looked up from their spots at the bar.