I turned around to leave her, but stopped at the door. “Good night, Kiera,” I whispered, then I left before she could respond. There was nothing to say anyway. As quickly as I could, I rejoined the two girls waiting for me in my room, and I made a promise to myself that I would not cry out Kiera’s name. Not out loud anyway.
Chapter 24
Bring On the Pain
My days, afternoons, nights, and sometimes early mornings were a blur of random women. Even for me, I was exceedingly active. I was trying to stop thinking about Kiera, but she was all I ever thought about. Whenever I was with a girl, my mind drifted to her. I made love to her over and over and over again, with dozens of different bodies, but the scenario never changed in my mind.
Kiera was the one running her hands over me. Kiera was the one placing light kisses over my body. It was Kiera’s mouth I was pressing against, and Kiera’s tongue I was brushing with mine. And it was Kiera begging me to take her.
While my Kiera mirages were growing steadier, the real Kiera was growing icier. Every time I saw her after one of my dates, her glare practically seared my skin off. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say she’d figured out that I was making love to her on my many dates. But there was no way she could know that; I was careful to never make a peep when I was “pretending.” I couldn’t risk exposing my true thoughts, which was why I didn’t tell anyone what was going on. No one would understand.
My friends all sensed something was off though, and asked questions I didn’t want to answer. I always brushed off their concern and expertly changed the subject. Surprising me, Denny even asked about the tension in the house. Well, he indirectly asked. One night, when Kiera was at work, he stopped me as I was about to head out to the bar. “Kellan, wait.”
Adjusting my jacket, I looked back at him. He seemed uncomfortable, and I felt anxiety slipping into my calm façade. Did he know something? Scratching his head, he said, “First off, I’m cool with whatever you do here. It’s your place.”
I narrowed my eyes, wondering what he was getting at. He sighed and avoided looking at my face. “It’s just…noisier around here than it used to be and…Kiera asked if I would…I told her it wasn’t my place to say anything, and that you could do whatever you wanted with whomever you…” Stopping, he put his hands up. “You know what, I’m just going to shut up right now. It’s your home, mate. You can do whatever you want. We just both really appreciate that you’re letting us crash here. So, thank you. It means a lot to us.” With a smile on his lips, he clapped my shoulder, then turned and walked away.
All I could do was stare after him, shocked. Kiera had asked him to…what? Talk to me about my dating habits? I knew she was being frosty, but was she really so angry with me that she’d pull Denny into this? Because she had no right to be upset. None at all.
I tried broaching the subject with her a few days later.
I gave her a polite, friendly greeting when she showed up in the kitchen for her morning coffee. She completely ignored me. “Kiera?” Still ignoring me, she grabbed a coffee cup and started pouring a mug. Well, I guess we were returning to the realm of immaturity, where we both handled things badly. “Are you…mad at me?” God, she was cute when she was being stubborn.
With a glare, she told me, “No.”
“Good, because you shouldn’t be.” I’m doing this for you. To make it easier for you to let go of your…infatuation, which is all I am to you.
“Well, I’m not…” Her response was in a snotty tone of voice that really got under my skin. “Why shouldn’t I be?”
Did she really not get this? Did she not remember how volatile things had become between us? How awful? Did I need to call her a whore again for her to recall why us being apart was a good thing? “We both ended things, when it started getting…out of hand.” Severely out of hand.
“I know that. I was there.” Her voice was pure ice. Regardless of what she said, she was mad at me. For what? For living? For moving on? How could she blame me for that?
“I’m only doing what you asked. You wanted to know if I was seeing someone.” You didn’t want me, so I found something else to take away the pain. But now you want to take that too, don’t you?
“I didn’t want secrets between us…but I didn’t want to see it!”
So she wanted me to hide? She wanted me to sneak off to live out my fantasies so her perfect relationship wouldn’t be affected by my carousing. She wanted everything to go her way. No compromises. No compassion. She was living here with him…and I was just supposed to deal with that…but she couldn’t deal with the reverse of it? That was hypocritical bullshit.
“Where would you have me…? I have to see it…hear it. You’re not exactly quiet either. Do you think I like that? That I’ve ever liked…” I love you, and I constantly have to hear you with another man. Done with this conversation, I stood up. “I try and understand. You could do the same.”
The confrontation with Kiera put me in a bad mood. If I had to listen to my best friend screwing the only woman I’d ever loved, then Kiera could put up with a little pointless banging. And it was pointless. And empty. But it momentarily dulled the pain. What else was I supposed to do?
I drove around town once Kiera left for school. She’d taken the bus, just like she had ever since we’d started distancing ourselves from each other. I didn’t know where to go or what to do, I just knew I needed to keep my mind busy or I was going to go nuts. I ended up driving to a convenience store. I picked up a six-pack of beer and a box of condoms; I’d been going through them like crazy lately.
A cute blonde in the checkout line recognized me and started up a conversation about the D-Bags. I could tell she was interested in me, although she camouflaged her desire behind the band. After mentioning I was working on new stuff, she said, “I’d love to take a peek at anything you’d be willing to show me.” Her gaze drifted to my pants, and I knew she wasn’t talking about music anymore.
With a charming grin, I told her, “How about I give you a ride back to my place? I’ll show you everything.” I’ll show you my body, but I’ll never show you me.
She agreed, and we were in my room not too much later. She batted my door closed while I turned on some music. “Wow…Kellan Kyle’s bedroom,” she said, scanning the place. “It’s nice. Cozy.”
Her roving eyes stopped on me. I considered telling her that she could just call me Kellan, instead of referring to me by my full name, but I didn’t feel like small talk. I didn’t feel like talking at all.
Finding peace in the soft music that was playing, I reached out for her. I stared at her shoulder while we danced, and in my mind, it was Kiera I was moving with. I love the way we feel together, Kiera.
She kissed me then, and closing my eyes, I reveled in the fantasy. Kiera…yes, kiss me…
Just kissing Kiera in my mind made me ready for more. By the time the girl unzipped my jeans, I was straining against them. “Jesus,” she murmured. “You’re so hard.”
Yes, Kiera, and it’s all for you.
Wanting the girl to not speak anymore, I grabbed her cheek and kissed her harder. She moaned in my mouth, then she shoved me back. “I’ve been wanting to do something to you for a really long time now.” I wondered what she meant, and how long “really long” was. Ten minutes? Fifteen?
She pushed me back until my legs hit my bed, then she slowly pushed me down. Realizing she wanted me to sit, I complied. I was momentarily confused, until she sank to her knees in front of me…then I got it. Getting my Kiera fantasy ready, I closed my eyes. Yes, Kiera…Kiss me there…kiss me everywhere.
The girl rearranged my clothes so she could get to me. The air against my skin was chilly at first, but then her mouth was over me, and I was suddenly warm, wet, and insanely turned on. Yes, Kiera…God, yes. More. She was working against me, taking as much of me in as she could, and I could feel my climax building already. Cringing, I clutched the sheets and bit my lip. Yes, just like that, Kiera…Don’t stop. I’m so close…
I thought I heard something, and my pseudo-Kiera started to move off me, but I was almost there…she couldn’t go yet. She couldn’t leave me like this. Gripping her hair, I held her in place. Don’t leave me yet, Kiera. Don’t go…
Moaning in excitement, she worked against me in a near frenzy. Yes, I’m almost…Yes…God, Kiera, I love you…Don’t stop. Don’t ever stop.
I heard an odd noise, like a door slamming, but I was too far gone. “God, yes, I’m close…” I murmured with a groan.
She moaned again, loving my words. I was almost panting now, and the pressure was building to a point where I couldn’t contain it anymore. I was about to lose it, about to release, when I suddenly heard the telltale sound of my car roaring to life. What the fuck?
My Kiera fantasy shattered, and I tried to push my date away from me. She was too into it now though. “Stop,” I firmly told her, but she only moaned as she moved against me. I heard the sound of tires squealing and panic shot through me. Did someone steal my car? Holy fucking shit! If that was the case, I was about to kill someone, but first I needed this girl to get off my cock.