Standing here, in front of her grave in this serene place, I know now that I couldn’t have saved her. I was seven years old. My father was right. The intruder would’ve killed her regardless. It was his plan all along or he wouldn’t have even brought the gun.
We ride back to the airport in silence.
Finally, my father speaks. “You should call Mila. She’s been very worried about you.”
I look at him in surprise. “She said that to you?”
He nods. “She’s the reason I came to your house, remember? She called me or I wouldn’t have known that things were so bad. She loves you, Pax. And if there’s anything that you should take away from this is that you need to live for today. Tomorrow is not promised to you.”
“I don’t deserve her,” I tell him honestly. “I’ve been an ass**le. All I’ve done is hurt her.”
My father looks at me doubtfully. “If that were true, then she wouldn’t love you so much. She’s waiting for you. She’s checked on you a hundred times and has asked me a million questions that I don’t know the answers to. Only you do. You need to answer them for her.”
“Such as?”
“Such as, are you coming back? Are you going to be okay? How are you handling things now? Things that you don’t talk about so I don’t know. You’re going to have to get some help figuring out how to deal with uncomfortable things. You can’t keep burying things in drugs and whiskey. You know that.”
I nod. And it’s painful because it’s true.
“I’ve f**ked up,” I say simply.
“Yes,” my father agrees. “But haven’t we all?”
I don’t answer. I slip away into my thoughts and continue to twirl Mila’s ring on my finger. As we make our way through the airport, dad turns to me.
“I’m going to tell your grandfather that you remember. It’s one of the reasons that he stopped talking to us. He didn’t agree with me not forcing you to think about it because he wanted your mother’s killer found. When I refused to try and force you, he couldn’t bring himself to go along with the lies that I told you, that your mother died in a car-crash. His absence isn’t his fault, it’s mine. The blame rests on my shoulders. And I’m sorry.”
I nod. To be honest, I’ll worry about that later. It’s the last thing I’m worried about right now. There’s only one face in my mind and it is beautiful and soft and has wide, green eyes.
Our plane touches down in Chicago and my father drives me home.
“I hope things will get better for us now, Pax,” he tells me in my driveway and I can see that he is sincere. I nod.
“I hope so too,” I answer. I find that I mean it. It will take a while, I’m sure. We can’t fix years of damage to our relationship in a minute. But at least it’s a start. If we keep at it, maybe someday we’ll be okay again.
He backs out and I watch until I can no longer see his red taillights before I drop into Danger and speed for town. I can only think of one thing.
Her.
I burst into the door of her shop and she looks up in surprise from the counter. She is alone and seems to be studying a portfolio. As I walk in and she recognizes me, at first her expression leaps. In joy.
But it quickly becomes guarded and I feel the sting of that all the way into the center of my heart. I did that to her. I taught her to be guarded and protective around me because I might crush her. That knowledge kills me.
I stride across the store, not stopping, not hesitating. I step around the counter and smash her to me tightly.
“Please,” I tell her. “Please forgive me. I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I’m so sorry that I’ve been an ass**le and that I shut you out. I didn’t know how to handle things without being self-destructive. Self-destruction is all I’ve ever known. Deep down, it’s what I felt like I deserved.”
I pause and look down. She’s staring up at me with her gorgeous, clear eyes and my gut clenches.
“Give me another chance,” I ask urgently. “I will do anything that you want me to do if you just tell me that we can start again. I know I don’t deserve it, but I’m asking anyway. I honestly don’t know if I can breathe without you. Please. I love you, Mila. Please tell me we can work it out.”
I stare into her eyes and she seems uncertain and I feel a moment of panic.
“I don’t want to start over again,” she says slowly. “I like what we had. I don’t want to re-do it. I love you, Pax. But I don’t know if I can handle it if you leave me like that again. You shut me out and I couldn’t help you. That’s not what people do when they love someone. You ripped my heart out and stomped on it.”
“I know,” I agree. “I know that. You have no idea how sorry I am. I’m just not that good at relationships. I haven’t had any practice. But if you stay with me, if you stay… I promise that I will never leave you again. I will never shut you out again. I’ll put in the work and I’ll fix what is broken. I promise.”
“I want to believe you,” she says slowly, her eyes still frozen on mine. “But I’m too afraid, Pax. You scared me. A lot. How do I know that you won’t shut me out like that again? How do I know that the next difficult thing we come across won’t send you into another tailspin and I’ll find you on the back yard, like we found Jill?”
She pauses, her eyes pleading, wanting me to say something, wanting me to argue that she’s wrong. But I don’t know that she is. So I can’t say anything.
“Jill’s two babies are in foster care now, Pax. Their whole lives have been shattered. I don’t know that I can trust you not to do that to me. I haven’t slept in days and when I do sleep, I have horrible nightmares. I’m a wreck, Pax. And I don’t want to go through this again. I just don’t think I can.”
Her words terrify me and I pull off the ring, holding it out with a shaking hand.
“Love never fails, Mila. That’s what your parents believed. And because of you, it’s what I believe now, too. You stuck by me and loved me when I didn’t deserve it. All I want is a chance to prove that I can be worthy of it. Your parents were sort of f**ked up in their own way, like me, and they never got the help that they needed. But I will. I promise. I will put the work in. I will learn how to cope with painful things and I will never leave you again. Just tell me that you’ll stay with me.”