“Carrick Ryan?” I say to the woman. “The man who was staying here?” I explain at her blank expression.
“He checked out, ma’am,” she tells me in broken English.
He left.
My heart sinks, and it’s in this moment that I realize that maybe Carrick and I aren’t fixable. Maybe last night was the last time I’ll ever be close to him again.
As I walk away from the room, this sickly hollow feeling sinks down on me, crushing me to pieces. And I hate myself just a little bit more.
I HAVEN’T SEEN CARRICK in close to two weeks. When he left Barcelona, he headed straight back home to the UK.
I only know this because, later that night over dinner, I finally broke down and asked Uncle John about what happened to Carrick after the race. He told me that Carrick was in a foul mood because he’d come in fourth and that he caught an early flight home.
The next day after Carrick left¸ I flew out with the rest of the team to Monte Carlo, and it’s where I’ve been ever since.
Monte Carlo is a hard place for me to be. From the moment I signed with Rybell, I haven’t been looking forward to coming here. Monte Carlo is where my life changed forever fourteen years ago.
Circuit de Monaco is the track where my father had his accident.
The place where he died.
Uncle John keeps asking if I’m okay. Before we flew here, he even said to me that I could miss this race. He said I could change my ticket and go back to the UK. It was sweet of him, but I know if I had done that, it would have raised questions, and I don’t like questions. And if I’m to have my career in Formula 1, then I can’t avoid this place forever. Best to get it over and done with.
So here I am.
It has gotten easier the longer I’ve been here, but racing day will probably be a different story.
The first time I went to the track, I came alone, and it was…painful.
Especially afterward, when I went to see the statue commemorating my father in Casino Square.
I stood there for a long time, just staring at it, wondering what my life would have been like if my father had never died.
It’s not that I haven’t had a great life because I have. My mother made the best of what we had left without him, but I’ve felt his loss for the last fourteen years, like a gaping hole in my heart.
And it only fueled to remind me why Carrick could never be the man for me.
I know my mother is worried about me being here. She’s been calling twice a day, every day, checking to make sure I’m okay.
I know it’s hard for her, me being here. It drags up bad memories.
I’ve made sure to keep myself busy. When I’m not working, I’ve been doing touristy stuff and going out with the guys at night, having fun.
Today is Thursday, and racing weekend starts tomorrow. Carrick arrived today, not that I’ve seen him. I just heard he was getting in today, and it’s evening now, so he should be here.
I don’t know where things stand between us.
I haven’t heard from him, not that I’ve tried to get in touch with him either. I did almost crack and text him to apologize a few days after he’d gone back to the UK. I was feeling emotional from being here, and I missed talking to him. I typed the whole text out, but then I chickened out before sending it, and I erased it.
I know the time when I have to face him is fast approaching, and I’m dreading it.
I’m worried that he’ll ignore me because I know that will hurt more than anything.
Hence, why I’m out in a bar with the team, drinking up some Dutch courage in case I do see Carrick tonight.
We’re in a bar called Pattaya, which overlooks the harbor. It’s really pretty here. We’re sitting outside, and I’m sipping on a glass of local beer, chatting with Ben. Petra’s not arrived in Monaco yet. Her brother’s wife went into early labor yesterday, six weeks early, so she delayed her flight. She wanted to stay and make sure everything was okay with the baby. Fortunately, it was, and now, Petra is the proud auntie of a baby boy yet to be named.
She could only get on an evening flight in, so she’ll be arriving later on. I can’t wait until she gets here. Even though the guys are great, to be honest, I’m missing her company.
“Carrick just texted, asking where we are,” Ben informs me. His eyes are down on his phone as he types out a text, presumably back to Carrick.
“He’s here?” My voice comes out sounding a little strangled. I cover it with a cough.
“Yeah, he’s coming to meet us.” He puts his phone down on the table.
Panic slides a hand around my throat and squeezes tight. I take a few calming sips of my beer.
I can do this. It’s going to be fine.
Needing a moment, I excuse myself to the restroom. When I get back, Carrick still hasn’t arrived.
My nerves are on edge. I can’t sit still in my chair. I feel like I’m about to come out of my skin, and my head is rotating every few minutes, looking for a sign of him. I just need to see him, so I know how things stand between us.
It’s been a long while since Ben texted him back, and I’m starting to think that maybe Carrick’s not coming after all. But then I hear Robbie start catcalling, and the rest of them join in, so I know Carrick has arrived.
My stomach and head fill with butterflies, making me feel a little dizzy.
Be breezy, Andi. Breezy…
Trying to act nonchalant, I cast a glance back over my shoulder to Carrick.
And I feel like I’ve just been smacked in the face with a brick.
He’s walking toward us with a girl attached to his arm. A really pretty and tall—probably about my height—model-looking girl with long brown hair.