“God. I’m an idiot.”
A knock on the door sounded out and she rolled to her feet, reluctantly pulling herself up and out of her own misery. As much as she wanted a distraction from her own thoughts, she was in no mood for company. She walked across the room, pulled the door open and said, “Nathan?”
He looked so good, it made her heart hurt. Why was he here?
“Keira,” he said, shoving one hand through his hair, as his heated gaze raked her up and down. “I had to see you.”
Hope leaped up into her chest and nearly strangled her. Was he here to admit that he cared? To tell her he wanted her as much as she wanted him? Her mouth went dry and her stomach did a weird pitch-and-roll that made her reach out and slap one hand to the doorjamb to keep herself upright. “What is it?”
He stepped past her into the house, not waiting for an invitation. When she closed the door and turned around to look at him, he was looking around her house. “I didn’t say anything the other day, but this is a nice place.”
“Thanks,” she said, glancing at him over her shoulder as she moved past him into the living room. “Smaller than the lodge, but I like it.”
Her knee caught the edge of a chair and Nathan reached out to steady her. His hand on her elbow sent bolts of heat rocketing through her body like frenzied lightning strikes in the middle of a summer storm. God, she’d missed that sensation.
“Still tripping, I see,” he whispered, then let her go.
In a few days, there’d be no one around to catch her when she stumbled. She’d have dozens of small aches and bruises competing with the giant ache in her heart. She rubbed her elbow as if she could ease away the hum he’d created, and looked up at him. “Why are you here, Nathan?”
“I’m sorry we ended things the way we did,” he said tightly.
“But not sorry we ended,” she whispered, feeling a quick stab of fresh pain. So he wasn’t here to grovel and beg her to take him back. When would she stop being an idiot?
He scrubbed one hand over his face, then reached into his jacket pocket. “I wanted to see you in person again. To give you this.”
He handed her a folded slip of paper. Keira knew what it was before she opened it. Hadn’t he given her one before? A personal check. Made out to Hunter’s Landing. Only this check was for one million dollars.
“I want the town to have that,” he was saying, and she could barely hear him over the roaring in her ears. “The clinic can become a first-class hospital and I want—”
“What?” Keira ground the word out as she tore her eyes from the check to meet his gaze. “You want what exactly? To be a hero? To be remembered? Well, the money isn’t necessary, Nathan. I’ll remember you just fine without it.”
“Keira…”
“No,” she snapped, fury rising up to swamp her pain, “you already made a huge donation, and I don’t need you to throw more money at me because you’re feeling guilty.”
“Guilty?” he repeated.
“You’re unbelievable,” Keira said, riding that anger gratefully, because rage was so much easier to handle than pain. “I offered you love and you offer to make me your mistress. And when I turn that lovely offer down, you offer me cash.”
“Damn it, Keira, this is all I can do. All I know how to do.”
“Bull,” she said and angrily swiped at the one stray tear that coursed down her cheek as she faced him down. “I can see in your eyes that you want to stay. I’ve watched you with everyone these last few days. I’ve seen you in town and you like it here, Nathan. I know that you want to be more, have more in your life. But you’re too scared to try. Too caught up in your own careful world to take a risk—even if it means cheating yourself out of a real life.”
He stalked away from her, whirled around to face her again and said, “I offered to take you with me.”
“As your ‘companion.’”
“I wanted you with me, I don’t care what you call it,” he said. “I never promised you anything, Keira. I made it clear right from the first that I wasn’t the kind of man you needed.”
“How the hell do you know what kind of man I need?” she argued. “Nathan, look at you. You’ve completely forgotten how to give yourself because giving money is so much easier. You hand out checks so you don’t have to get involved. It lets you stay in the shadows, safe at a distance.”
He didn’t say anything though she waited a moment or two, desperately hoping he’d argue with her, tell her she was wrong and he did want a life. With her. When the words didn’t come, Keira shook her head, crumpled his check in one tight fist and then shoved it into his jacket pocket.
“You already donated money for the clinic,” she said, pride coloring her tone now as much as fury. “And the town will get its share of Hunter Palmer’s bequest when the six months is up. We don’t need more from you.”
“Keira—”
“Go away, Nathan,” she said, sorrow filling her voice and staining the words until she was sure she could see the pain she was feeling actually coloring the air. “Just leave. Go back to your travels. Go to Barbados. Find some woman who’ll want your money so you’ll know what to do with her. Move from hotel to hotel, making sure to never speak to anyone. Keep your insulated life because I don’t want you or your money.”
Nathan couldn’t breathe. He looked into her stormy green eyes, heard her order him out of her house and knew that if he left, he was a dead man. He’d come here telling himself he only wanted to give her money for the town she loved. Telling himself he only wanted to see her one last time.
When she’d turned down his offer to travel with him, he’d been lost. He had been so sure she’d accept. He’d never had anyone turn him down before. Never had anyone tell him that what he could buy for them wasn’t enough. He’d been so damned sure that she’d throw her own life away to follow him. And he hadn’t even admitted to himself how important it had been that she come with him. He hadn’t wanted to see just how much she meant to him.
When she told him to leave, he’d felt more alone than he ever had before. He couldn’t see the coming years without Keira in them. He couldn’t see himself without her in his life.
She was right. He was a damn liar.
Panic clawing at him, he reached out, grabbed hold of her and yanked her up against him. Wrapping his arms tight around her waist, he bent his head to the curve of her neck and inhaled her scent, drawing his first easy breath since the day she’d walked out of the lodge and out of his life.