My thoughts tunnel like they did that night in her apartment after I confessed to paying half the studio rent, but so much worse. What’s happening now is my greatest fear warping into reality. My entire purpose and meaning has been keeping her safe from situations exactly like this but Lennon just shoved me away. She doesn’t want my help. Or anything to do with me. Any hope or wish or pipedream shrivels up inside my stomach before burning away into fiery acid.
This feels like the end . . . of everything.
The only person I love is done with me and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it except meltdown like the beast her parents believe me to be. Flames blast through my bones as I scan the area for an escape. I need to get the fuck out of here before my broken brain takes over and shit gets really psycho.
My only trigger left is pushed when Lennon turns away. Every painful memory comes flooding back. The volume on the degrading voices cranks up so all I hear is their venom.
Hulk.
Weirdo.
Loser.
Stupid.
Crazy Eyes.
It’s like a low budget horror film flickering in front of me with each word as the hate blasts louder. The years of abuse and neglect from my parents. People shoving me away for being different. The constant bullying and harassment. The taunts and names that punctured my fragile soul. Being isolated and alone without hope of finding a way out. Everything Lennon has repaired shatters as a bolt slams into me. I’ve been stupid to believe she could actually care about me. This was all temporary and my logical brain screams at my gullible heart. I knew Lennon would get sick of me and now she has. I’ve been too pushy and clingy and needy and crazy.
Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.
I spiral further down with each passing moment but there’s no more shits to give. All the light has been snuffed out of my spirit with a few direct hits.
Lennon keeps looking at me as her once tempting mouth forms words I can’t make out. She reaches for my face but I dodge away from her touch, suddenly frightened of the impact her satin palm will have on me.
“Ry?” The nickname breaks through the fog but the dense clouds are too thick to see her sunshine.
“I understand.” The barely-there rasp grates from my throat as I stare past her. “You don’t need to explain it to me. You’ve made the choice. I’ll go.”
“What’s happening, Ryker? I’m really sorry for being snappy. Did you hear me? They always test my patience but that’s no excuse for my actions.” Her teal eyes mist when I evade her fingers again. “Please, stop.” Lennon’s voice is weak but the use of the exact same words from before might as well be a roar. Everything else she says is drowned out.
My head jerks as I shift further away, mentally and physically.
“You’ll always be my sunshine but this wasn’t meant to last.”
Tears stream down her rosy cheeks.
“Ryker, don’t say things like that,” she begs but the key to my wounded soul has been crushed to dust.
The need for my hood and the shield it offers from prying eyes consumes me. When I reach for the comforting cloak, all that’s wrapped around my neck is empty air.
I never thought the one to leave would be me but it’s clear that’s what Lennon wants. All I truly want is to make her happy and I hold onto that thought as I sink into the shadows and her form blurs before me.
Lennon
I’ll believe for both of us.
“RYKER!” I CALL out but he keeps moving further away.
His retreat doesn’t pause and sorrow hijacks my thoughts. Why the hell did I reprimand him for defending me? What the hell is wrong with me? Shame scorches my scalp as tears trickle from my lashes. A twitch attacks my hands, desperate to hold him, but he’s refusing my touch. I lashed out for the first time in my life and it was directed toward the very last person who will never deserve it.
What effing twilight zone did I get dropped into?
The hollow glaze masking Ryker’s ocean eyes is really freaking me out. The desolate indifference reminds me of how he looks at everyone else, but never me. At least until this moment. He’s withdrawing from me and the loss pangs inside me.
“Ryker, please!” I try again, regardless of the hopeless feeling slithering up my spine.
Even in the summer heat, my teeth chatter from a gust of frosty wind that seems to swirl around my chilled form.
My sandals slap the pavement as I begin following him.
“Be serious, Lennon!” My mother’s shrill cry stops me in my tracks. “We knew you’d find a boyfriend eventually but not like that behemoth. There’s no way you actually expect us to approve of him.”
I spin on my heel and stomp toward them. Anger like I’ve never experienced before streaks up my legs and races into my hollow gut, successfully burying me deeper in frigid numbness. The fury festers and spreads as my eyes narrow on their stern faces. Sharp and jagged icicles rise around me, hardening my backbone for what needs to happen. I’ve never stood up to my parents, all the unleashed hurt they’ve caused has been silently stewing inside. For years I’ve let them rule me but treating Ryker poorly is the last straw.
“You both need to leave. Now,” I demand as my arm sweeps to the open road. Their stern features melt into expressions of concern but I’m too far gone. “How can you say such horrible things without even knowing him? Why? Your shallow accusations are disgusting,” my voice is a rolling rumble.
Everything they’ve said is awful, but I’m the one to blame for turning this into an epic disaster. My throat burns with bile.
I need to fix this.
“Sweetie, listen to us. We know what’s best, and that man is not it.” My mother attempts to use a soothing tone but it falls flat. All I hear is static at this point, a broken record going round and round. “Let’s go somewhere quiet to chat about your future. Maybe you’d like to come work at the firm after all? Give this designing business a rest for a bit? Clearly staying here has not been in your best interest,” she says as she wrinkles her nose.
“I can’t believe this.” I swallow several times as my fingers spear into my hair, clutching hard at the roots. “Are you two for real? How about what I want? Do you care about me at all?”
I look between them and find nothing but scrutiny staring back. My face tilts skyward, asking for understanding from them. Hoping beyond hope that the people who raised me are better than this. Even in these moments of extreme distress, neither one reaches for me or offers comfort—not that it really matters since Ryker’s touch is all I want.
How are these my parents?
I shake my head in dismay as they continue quietly staring at me.
“Never mind, don’t bother answering any of that. I’m not going to keep standing here, pointlessly arguing, while the man I love is suffering.” My voice cracks thinking of Ryker walking away. “He’s my priority and always will be moving forward.” My palm shoots out when my father tries piping in. “My time listening to you is over. If you’d like to apologize for the damage you’ve caused, maybe we’ll try talking later.” With that, I’m officially done—at least until they’re ready to change.
As I stride off in the direction Ryker went, realization slams into me and my steps falter. Dammit, I should have known better. I caused all of this to happen. I’m such an idiot for snapping at him that way. All he was doing was trying to protect me and I shut him down. He had my back but I didn’t have his. I’ve let him down in the worst way when we needed to stick together.
Shit, I’m the worst.
Fuck. How do I fix this?
I just promised to keep reassuring him of my devotion until he truly believed me but at the first test I failed. He’s taking my harsh response as a forever betrayal against him, the rejection he’s been predicting all along. I should never talk to him that way.
But it’s more than me holding back impulsive reactions. I didn’t want to rock the boat or tear up the resolved agreement we’d come to after our disagreement with the studio rent. All along I’ve been aware of his resistance. Ryker placed his fear of abandonment and insecurities under my nose but I didn’t do a good enough job making him believe in my love. If we can’t move past his fear of me leaving him, we’ll never survive and that isn’t an option.
I’ve been so wrapped up in planning fun adventures and the most vital first of all has been forgotten. My love for him needs to shine bright, like the sunshine he calls me. I need to ensure he feels cherished, wanted, adored . . . everything he’s been starved of his entire life. My palm rests on my forehead as I take a shaky breath.
Why the hell am I still standing here?
It’s my turn to pursue him for a change. It’s a special way to reach Ryker that he’ll understand. I snag a few necessary items from the truck before dashing across the lot. I pause halfway after realizing writing while walking isn’t working. My hands get busy as my mind works double time to create unique phrases. Once my stack is complete, I continue tracing his path at a rapid rate. When I round the building, my fast pace stops short as my lungs seize.
Ryker’s massive form is crumpled on the ground with his back against the brick wall. His handsome face hides behind his hands, as though his old black hood is shielding him from view yet he’s out in clear sight. I settle beside him on the grassy lawn, giving him about a foot between us if he still wants space.