Beth walked me to the Escalade, and after a warm embrace, left me to find Chad. They would al meet at the Pub that night to celebrate, and I would stay at home. It didn’t feel right to have fun when Ryan was fighting for his life.
Jared was unhappy with my mood. He didn’t ask what it was, but I assumed he knew. I didn’t enjoy talking to him about Ryan. It was unfair to him, and didn’t make me feel any better, so I didn’t see a point.
The loft was immaculate, and the summer sun lit the beige wal s, making every corner of the room glow. It had been nearly a year since Shax had been in our living room, since Jared threw the book at him that Gabe so desperately wanted us to have. It had been almost a year since I was shot. I rubbed my thigh where the scar stil remained.
Jared flipped through the mail at the kitchen table. “What do you want for dinner, Sweetheart?”
“It just doesn’t seem to get better,” I said, shaking my head. “We can redecorate, and fil the bul et holes in the wal s, and pretend life is normal… but you’re gone every night, and we aren’t any closer to getting the book, and Ryan is gone. It’s been a year and it doesn’t feel like it’s gotten better.
We’re stuck.”
Jared raised an eyebrow. “Bad day?”
I sat on the arm of the couch. “He’s going to get kil ed. Every day that he’s out there, Claire is in danger. We should bring him home.”
“You’re suggesting that we go to the Middle East and abscond with a member of the Special Forces?”
I puffed. “It’s not right that he’s not here.”
“You’re just letting the guilt eat you alive. You have to let it go, Nina. You have to let him go.”
“I know what you’re thinking,” I said. “This isn’t about me having feelings for him. Maybe it is about guilt, but I can’t stand it anymore…how Josh and Tucker and everyone else look at me. That’s why I don’t hang out with them, anymore. That’s why I don’t go to study group. I have been sleeping through the night for months, and I can’t go back. The looks on their faces—they blame me.”
“You blame you,” Jared said. “I have an idea,” he said, pul ing his cel phone from his pocket. He dialed numbers, and then held the receiver to his ear.
After several moments, a grin touched his mouth. “Claire. How is everything? I see. I have someone here that would like to speak to you. You got a minute?”
Jared handed me the phone. “Hel o?” I said, unsure of her reaction.
“It is hot as hel here,” Claire snapped. “I have sand in places no woman should experience. It’s in my hair, my eyes, the seat of my Jeep. There’s no getting rid of it, even when I get the occasional shower. And my hair looks like crap. So…how are things?”
I managed a quiet laugh. “I miss you.”
“I miss you, too,” she sighed. “Don’t worry, Nina. I’m taking care of him. He’s a cowboy, and likes to pretend he’s invincible, but despite his best efforts, I’m keeping him alive.”
“Thank you.”
I could hear the wind whipping against the phone, and she spoke loudly to compensate. I imagined her standing alone in a sea of sand, big sunglasses, and light camouflage clothes blending in with her platinum hair.
“Ryan doesn’t want you to feel guilty. He wants you to be happy. He’s just trying to get on with his life. He’s happy with his choice. Be happy with yours.”
“Of course I am. I just…everything feels wrong here. I feel lost.”
Claire laughed. “Try driving around with identical sand dunes as your guide…then you can talk to me about feeling lost. It’s a good thing I’m fluent in Farsi, or I wouldn’t be able to keep up with him. How’s Jared?”
I peeked up at him, his blue-grey eyes comforted that his idea had worked. “He’s Jared. He’s good.”
“I need you to take care of him for me, okay? I’m kicking ass over here, so you can rest easy. Just concentrate on school, and work, and being happy, and I’ll get the cowboy home safe. Deal?”
Relief washed over me. “Deal. See you soon?”
“As soon as I can. Gotta go, they’re moving,” she said. The phone silenced, and I handed it to Jared.
“He’s okay,” I said.
Jared nodded. “Feel better?”
“A little. Thank you.”
Jared took a step toward me and enveloped me in his arms, touching his forehead to mine. “I would do anything, go anywhere, suffer anything to make you happy. You know that, right? That’s al I want.”
I lifted my chin to kiss his lips. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“You’re exhausted. I’m going to run you a bath, and you can soak until your hands get al pruny, and I’ll have dinner waiting for you when you get out. Then we can turn in early.”
I buried my face into his warm chest. “Sounds perfect.”
Chapter Five
Landstuhl
The first day of Summer Break, I took the day off from Titan, and Jared and I went to our Oak Tree. I lazily traced the details of the carving of our names, and let the sweet, summer air sweep over my skin. Lunch was served on the blanket he had given me as a graduation gift—before I knew him—and we playful y wrestled and chased each other barefoot in the grass.
Jared was working overtime to prove to me that our lives could be as normal as anyone else. Even with the bad dreams keeping us apart at night, he had figured out how to get around them and made it seem that nothing was different.
The air smell ed of fresh grass and sunshine, and coupled with Jared’s scent, it felt a little like Heaven. Summer soaked into my every pore, and I could see that Jared was enjoying my mood. He sat next to me, waiting for me to catch my breath from chasing him.
“Having a better day?” he asked, running his finger lightly across my wrist.
“Exponential y,” I said, digging my toes into the grass. “I feel like I did at Little Corn.”
“Speaking of that…have you given any more thought to returning to that perfect little chapel we came across there?” Jared said the words casual y, but he was fidgeting with the hem of his jeans.
“Wedding date,” I said, nodding. I should have seen the topic coming. Jared never broached anything important lightly, and always insisted on the perfect back drop. “Does Claire know when she’s coming back?”
“No,” Jared said, frowning. The hem of his jeans seemed to be irritating him, but I knew it was the direction of our conversation.
“We can’t get married without Claire. I’m going to make her wear something hideous.”
“Already have your Bridesmaids picked out?” he said with a contrived smile.
“Beth, Kim and Claire. What about your groomsmen? Can’t exactly have Samuel and Eli stand in.”
“Sure I could. I don’t think they would do it, but I could ask.” I laughed, and his smile relaxed. “Bex, obviously. Maybe I could ask Ryan. It would help Claire.”
“Not funny,” I said, ripping out a handful of grass, and then throwing it at him.
He shrugged. “Nothing says I have to have as many as you.”
I had never considered that the smal details of a wedding would be so difficult for him. He had siblings, and contacts within the system to make things easier, but no friends. Barely any family. His side of the church would be pitiful y bare.