I pul ed his lower desk drawer open and thumbed through every file, but I saw nothing of importance. Searching the remaining drawers, I rifled through old photos, envelopes, paperwork from the last ten years of tax filings, and a set of car keys. I slammed the last drawer shut and puffed.
My eyes wandered over to the file cabinets along the left wal . I started with the highest drawer in the cabinet closest to the back wal and searched for anything pertaining to properties, commercial or otherwise. I began to feel possessed. Every time I shut a drawer, I stifled a sob. Each drawer was slammed harder and harder. Only one cabinet wouldn’t open.
While searching through the last drawer my hands began to shake. Upon finding no suspicious evidence or anything related to Mr. Dawson I kicked the drawer shut, causing the cabinet to rock back and forth.
“AGH!” I stomped, bal ing my hands into fists at my sides.
I paced in a smal circle for a minute, and then made my way to the desk chair and col apsed. A smal bronze frame sat to my left. It was of me and Jack when I was about four years old. We had gone on vacation to the Grand Canyon and I had fal en. I looked closer to verify my bandaged knee and smiled. I was sitting on my father’s lap; he had just finished cleaning up the dirt and blood and used a colorful bandage from my mother’s purse.
He kissed my knee and told me that it was al better, and even though the sting remained, I nodded my head in belief.
The colors were al so vivid, as was my memory. My eyes fil ed with tears and I looked around, horrified that I was in Jack’s office and at what I was doing there. Mr. Dawson, a complete stranger, had made me doubt my father. I wiped my face and quickly straightened his desk. The door slammed behind me as I quickly descended the stairs.
“Miss Nina?” Agatha cal ed after me, but I raced past her, too intent on escaping the shame that I felt.
I yanked my BMW into gear and flew down the driveway into the street. Tears streamed down my face and I felt my body shudder in the same sobs I had worked so hard to rid myself of. Too many questions and no answers, everything that had made sense died with my father.
The flickering street lamps flew by as I sped down the road. As I passed the bus stop where I’d first met Jared. I noticed someone sitting on the bench and slammed on my brakes. I jerked the gear into reverse and my car made a grievous whirring noise as I back-tracked. My tires screeched to a halt straight across from where Jared sat.
Shoving my way out of the car, I stomped to the middle of the street. “Are you fol owing me?”
“Are you al right?” he asked, concern overshadowing his flawless features.
“What are you doing here, damn it?” I yel ed.
He stood up and held his arms out to me, but I shook my head. He stopped and furrowed his brow. “Nina, come here.”
“I want answers, Jared. You show up in my life, tel me you have these feelings for me. You won’t give me your number, and you al but refused mine.” I took a step toward him, and he a step toward me.
“Nina, I know you’re upset, but it’s going to be okay.” His voice was calm and soothing, almost too much so, as if he was trying to talk me down from a ledge.
“I’m standing in the middle of the street bawling my eyes out and yel ing at you, Jared! Why aren’t you asking me what’s wrong? Why don’t you ever ask me questions?” Jared thought for a moment, seeming surprised at my observation. He took another step toward me with outstretched arms, begging to hold me.
“Is it feelings you have for me? Or are you just fol owing me around because you feel sorry for me? Is it because I’m some tragic, fatherless basket case that you’ve decided to make a charity project out of?”
His eyes turned angry and his arms lowered. “You know that’s not true.”
As he took another step, his face for once didn’t try to hide emotion. His eyes ached for me to come to him; I could see that my tears caused him pain. I leaned into his arms and he wrapped them around me without hesitation.
I relaxed in his embrace for a moment, the warmth of his arms provided instant comfort.
He leaned down to press his cheek against my temple. “It’s more than just feelings, Nina. You have to know that.”
I peered up at him with damp eyes. “Then why haven’t you…?”
“What?” he asked. I shook my head at first, but he pul ed me closer to him and his eyes begged me to confess my thoughts. “Tel me.”
“Why haven’t you tried to kiss me?”
He seemed stunned, and then his eyes settled on my lips. I watched as his expression changed from desire, to conflicted, to a decision. I didn’t know what it al meant, so I closed my eyes and leaned into him, knowing his lips were just a few inches from mine. I felt his grip tighten and he held me at bay. My eyes popped open, humiliation crashing over me in waves. Adding to my already crippling embarrassment, tears once again spil ed over my cheeks.
His eyes closed tight and his face crumpled. “I don’t want to lie to you.”
The humiliation stil flamed my face, but it was now obscured by my anger. I’d grown weary of his vague non-answers. He would offer a tiny bit of truth shrouded in confusing ambiguity and my patience had reached its limit.
Seeing the resentment in my eyes, Jared let out a frustrated sigh. He released me and walked across the street to an impressive black motorcycle parked behind the bench. Without looking back he turned the key, and with a push of the button the engine roared to life. The motor snarled as he revved it a few times before speeding off the sidewalk and down the street.
The weekend came and went. Beth and I attended the basketbal game and Kim, Beth and I joined Ryan, Josh, Tucker, and Chad for air hockey and nachos. I refused to talk about Jared, even with Beth. I couldn’t even bring myself to explain what had happened that caused me to be so furious anytime they mentioned his name.
Ryan seemed to enjoy my change of heart. One night he cal ed to ask me for help with his chemistry, and we found ourselves sitting on the floor of my dorm room alone.
“No…it’s….” I pressed my lips together as I rewrote the last line.
“Chad said he failed this test last year,” Ryan grumbled.
“Wel , Chad didn’t have me for a tutor, now did he?” I threw my pencil at him and it bounced to the floor.
“Tutor or not, this test is gonna suck.”
“Have you lost your faith in me?”
“Have you reconsidered my offer, yet?” he grinned.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I shrugged, playing dumb.
“Yes, you do. It’s okay if you haven’t….you wil eventual y,” he smiled wide.
“I’m fairly certain I won’t be interested in dating for a long, long time.”
Ryan didn’t skip a beat. “I’l wait.”
Chapter Four
The Ring
The next weeks proved to be fairly mundane. I hadn’t seen Jared or Mr. Dawson, and Ryan’s propositions had tapered off. Beth had been noticeably absent from our room. I hadn’t even been sequestered for a bal game.
I didn’t leave campus for further theory-testing walks, and I tried not to venture off campus in general. My feelings were conflicted at any given second between being desperate to see Jared again and cringing at thoughts of any chance run-ins. I committed to pushing him from my mind, even if I had to do it a thousand times a day.
At study group, Ryan and I took our normal spots to work together on his latest academic crisis. Kim passed the time by shooting rubber bands at Josh while Beth and the new girl, Nicole, compared notes.