It was the type of situation that called for some sort of heavy piano music, or maybe a haunting cello motif, but the only soundtrack was the bass beat of “Despacito” rattling off the windowpanes of the Main Gym behind me.
I sat on the curb and wiped my eyes and felt the yawning void of self-hate open up beneath me.
The thing about having depression is, you can recognize the cycles your mind goes through, even when you can’t do anything about them.
Landon kept echoing in my head: “Selfish.”
And I kept seeing Chip’s eyes too. How he couldn’t quite look at me.
I trusted him.
I knew his history with Trent. Knew he had never, ever stood up to him. Knew he was as much accomplice as witness, since Trent worked best with an audience.
And I trusted him anyway.
This is what I deserved.
I sniffed and pulled my phone out. The droplets left tiny rainbow flecks on the screen.
What was I supposed to tell Mom?
Were Landon and I broken up or was it just a fight?
Ditching me at a dance felt like a breakup.
“Darius?”
I glanced behind me and then looked down at my phone again. Mom was sending Oma to get me.
Chip lowered himself to sit next to me. His knees splayed to the side and bumped against mine.
“Well, that was super awkward,” he said, and did this sort of nervous chuckle.
“What do you want, Chip?”
He frowned and looked at his hands.
“Just wanted to apologize for what Trent said.”
What Trent said.
Chip only ever apologized for Trent.
I didn’t say anything.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“Where’s Landon?”
I shook my head.
“What happened?”
“You and Trent happened!” I shouted, but then I lowered my voice. “He was already frustrated with me, but then you and Trent making jokes about me, it was just . . .”
“I didn’t joke about you,” Chip said.
“But you told Trent about that day in the locker room.”
Chip sighed.
“Yeah.”
“Why would you do that?” I choked out. “I thought we were friends.”
“Because I like you, okay?” Chip gulped. “I like you, and I was telling Trent about it because I couldn’t get you out of my head. We were alone and you were so beautiful. You are. You’re beautiful and funny and thoughtful and kind. You’re the nicest person I know. And I couldn’t stand hurting you. I couldn’t stand being so close to you.”
Chip put his hand on my knee and tried to squeeze it, but I took his hand and lifted it off me.
“Don’t touch me,” I said.
“But—”
I couldn’t believe Chip.
If he liked me, why didn’t he treat me better?
The pulsar inside me destabilized and exploded.
“This isn’t some . . . some TV show, where you can torment me for years and then kiss me and be like ‘Guess what? I was gay for you all along!’ It doesn’t work like that.”
“I’m queer. I’ve always liked guys too,” Chip whispered. “And I never tried to kiss you. I wasn’t tormenting you.”
“You’ve stood there, every time Trent said or did something to me. Every racist joke. Every homophobic nickname. You never stopped him.”
“Trent’s not homophobic. He knows I’m queer.”
“You can have queer friends and still be homophobic, Chip.”
He sniffled.
I couldn’t tell if he was crying or if it was just the rain.
“Is that why you told me to quit my job?”
“What?”
“You wanted me to quit because I worked with Landon?”
“No! I wouldn’t . . . You seemed so sad. I just wanted you to be happy. I promise.”
“Why should I listen to anything you say? You’re just as bad as Trent is.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I’ll make him leave you alone. I promise.”
Cyprian Cusumano didn’t get it.
It wasn’t just about how Trent treated me.
It was about how he treated me too.
I recognized the glow of Oma’s headlights curving around the parking lot. She pulled up and honked.
I sighed and stood.
“Darius?” Chip said. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m sorry.”
Chip was always saying sorry. But he never acted like it. He never changed.
I wiped my own face and cleared my throat.
“Yeah, well.”
I didn’t know what else to say.
Maybe there was nothing else to say.
MENTAL HEALTH DAY
Monday morning, Mom knocked on my door.
I rolled over in bed and groaned.
I’d turned my alarm off when it woke me for my run, and I’d fallen back asleep, despite the noise of everyone else waking up.
Well. First I tried Sohrab.
Again.
And he didn’t answer.
Again.
That’s when I went back to bed.
Mom knocked again.
“Darius?”
“Yeah?”
Mom cracked the door and peeked in at me.
“You okay?”
I sighed.
“Can I take a mental health day?”
I hadn’t taken a mental health day since fall of ninth grade, when I was going through a medication change and having anxiety attacks every morning when it was time to get dressed.
Dad was a big believer in mental health days.
Mom came in and sat on the bed. She brushed my hair away from my eyes and rested her hand on my forehead, as if she could diagnose my mental state like a fever.
“Are you sure it won’t just be harder tomorrow?”
That was the thing about mental health days. Sometimes, you needed them, and they got you back on your feet. But sometimes, when you said you wanted a mental health day, what you really meant was you were avoiding something, and the more you put it off, the bigger it got.
“Maybe,” I admitted.
I hadn’t told Mom much about the dance.
Just that I had gotten into a fight with Landon.
And another one with Chip.
“Well, if you need to stay home, you can. You have some time to decide. I’ll check on you before I leave for work.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
She kissed my forehead.
“Love you.”
* * *
I guess Mom’s talk worked, because I dragged myself out of bed and got ready.
I spent the day avoiding Chip. We had an evening game, and I needed to study—I had a test in German on Friday—but I knew I couldn’t go to Mindspace.
There was a public library a few blocks away. I found a table in this little nook, not far from the Kids Korner, which was full of little kids enjoying story time.
There was this cute toddler in pink overalls. I wiggled my fingers at them. The polish on my left index finger had chipped. I needed to learn how to take better care of my nails.
The kid returned a little flappy-handed wave and then ran off.
It made me think of Evie, and how she had been so comfortable around me.
Was she that way with Uncle Trent too?
And then I thought of Chip, and how I had been so comfortable around him.
I should never have let my guard down.
That’s what stung more than anything else.
I knew the kind of guy Chip was, but I imagined him the way I wanted him to be.
I was so disappointed in myself.
* * *
Like always, Coach Bentley summoned us to circle up before the game. I sandwiched myself between Diego and Bruno, far away from Chip, who was over by Gabe and Jaden like usual. Jaden gave me a look, but I pretended not to notice.
I also pretended not to notice Chip trying to catch my eye.
And I definitely did not notice that his hair, usually pristine even after a long school day, was a complete and utter mess. Or the way the corners of his mouth drooped, almost into a frown, instead of his usual pre-game grin.
As we went around, I couldn’t come up with anything to say. I totally blanked.
Bruno said, “At homecoming, Christian gave me some gum when I was nervous about my breath not smelling fresh. Thanks, Christian. Heather thanks you too.”
Everyone chuckled at that, but I just felt a kind of twist in my gut.
“Uh.” It was my turn. “I’m blanking. Sorry. Um.”
I felt the weight of everyone’s eyes on me.
“I had kind of a crappy weekend. But I’m glad for tonight’s game, and the chance to go do something. So, thanks for tonight, everyone.”
Some of the guys nodded, but others looked at me kind of curiously, or turned to their neighbors like they wanted to gossip. But Coach Bentley said, “Glad we can be here for you, Darius,” and the whispers stopped.
Diego thanked me, of all people, for lending him a pair of socks last week, which I had completely forgotten about. “Sure thing.”
And on we went.
When we got to Chip, he said, “Darius told me something I didn’t want to hear. But I know I needed to. So, thanks.”
I looked up at that, but Chip had his eyes squeezed shut, like he was afraid of what was going to happen.
So I looked down at my feet and said, “I’m glad I could help.”
My heart thudded against my sternum, and my ears felt full.
It felt like the whole team was watching us.
But after a second, Jaden spoke up, and the circle continued.