Big and out there and open.
And so fucking gorgeous, it was almost hard to believe.
Deke’d never know how that smile would change after he made her come. After he made her breakfast. After she climbed off the back of his bike when they were done with a ride.
It’s good to finally know why you stood me up.
These thoughts the only ones in his head, he didn’t think it before he did it but he did it and his phone was slicing through the air, slamming against the narrow wall by the tiny kitchenette.
He worked construction and had that kind of life. He didn’t need much and part of what he didn’t need was to fuck up his phone so he had to buy a new one. This meant he had a protective case on it so it bounced right off the wall, the counter, to the floor without a scratch.
But the screen had been touched in a way the music died.
Jussy’s voice blinked right out.
And right then, that worked for Deke.
Chapter Eight
Your Life, Your Choice
Justice
Since I had zero sleep the night before, I was up when the banging on the door came early.
Six thirty.
This did not bode good things.
I went from closet, where I was trying to figure out what to wear, to bedroom, hall, great room and saw Deke was wearing a blue T-shirt that day.
He didn’t wear white every day but he switched it up only occasionally.
I hadn’t yet seen blue.
But I had noted that army green did spectacular things to his hazel eyes.
I had on a droopy cardigan over my pajamas.
I did not care. They covered me up, mostly. Little floral print shorts with pompom edging. Flowy camisole that had some lace and another floral pattern that didn’t match but didn’t clash.
Fake gypsy princess.
Outed rock princess. Heiress to the kingdom, she’d abdicated her throne.
And Deke now knew it all.
Or most of it.
Whatever.
I opened the door, lifted my eyes to Deke only to cut a glance through him before I turned and started walking away but did it talking.
“Hey. You’re early. Coffee isn’t started yet. I’ll hit that and then hit the shower.”
“Jussy.”
I carried on like he didn’t speak. Definitely carried on like he didn’t speak in that sweet, soft, remorseful tone that with one word, that word my name, did a number on me.
“Four cups, doesn’t take it long to drip. But favor,” I turned and looked toward him, my gaze hitting his neck, not his eyes, “if you and Bubba drain it, make some more for me. When I get out of the shower, gonna need it.”
“Jus, I’m here early to talk.”
He’d come in, hitting the center of the space, to his right side was the low, round, stone fireplace that Deke had told me was going to have a long, narrow copper hood that would look awesome without obstructing too much of the view when they got it in. A fireplace that was in line with the front door and in line with the fire pit on the deck.
Symmetry.
My life had never had symmetry. It was a zigzag line that led me to there, a place I’d wanted to end the zigging and zagging.
Now I suddenly wanted that back.
“You were right last night,” I replied. “If you get it, and you said you did, there isn’t anything left to say.”
He opened his mouth but I wasn’t done.
“Except, what I’d guess you’d guess is that wasn’t the first time I hit a stage. I work in the business.”
He nodded, doing it cautiously, and returned, “Know that, looked you up last night.”
So very easy to find so very much on Justice Lonesome.
He could read every word and have no clue.
I nodded too, just once, not cautiously.
“Right, then the only other thing left to say is that I was…well, we were in a weird place last night since I’d kept things from you. It’s cool you get it but just to explain, I knew you the minute I saw you.” I gave a one shoulder shrug. “It was kinda embarrassing you didn’t remember me, so I didn’t bring that up. But also, partially, it was about you being right with this gig also being me needing to be just Jus. A timeout from all the shit festering out there. And it’s also cool you’re down with giving that to me even though you didn’t know you were giving it to me. But all that said, last night I didn’t have it together enough to say but a few words about it so I’ll say now I’m really sorry for your loss. Your mom. I know what losing a parent feels like, not both, fortunately, but still. So I know there are no words to say except I’m sorry.”
I stood my ground, continuing to talk even if I did it while he was moving toward me.
He stopped way too close and I had to tilt my head back way too far in a way that made me feel small and vulnerable which, in a different world, feeling these around Deke would have special meaning.
But in my world they didn’t.
“Thank you, baby,” he said gently.
I closed my eyes and when I opened them, I requested quietly and not ugly, “Please don’t call me that, Deke. I’m not your baby. I’m not even Jussy to you. I know what I am and I think for both our sakes, especially mine, a good way to move on from here is that we both keep it just like that.”
There was a lot in his face, so different from the Deke I’d met years ago and the same man that came back into my life weeks ago. This being that he was showing it all to me, all of it good which meant all of it was bad.
And worse, he lifted a hand and filtered it up in my hair from the neck, where he rested his palm.
“Jussy—” he began.
“Don’t,” I whispered. I felt the pads of his fingers press into my scalp so I whispered again, “Please don’t, Deke.”