Colt managed a terse, “No,” through clenched teeth.
“I didn’t either. I doubt I coulda stopped her if I woulda known. That woman gets her mind set on something…” He huffed.
“Evidently they had harsh words. India said she didn’t need our approval to date you. She didn’t see where Caro got off tryin’ to tell her what kind of man you are, when she doesn’t really know you.”
“Indy said that? To Ma?”
“Yep. Caro was a little stunned. She was even more stunned when India said she agreed with Cam, that we’re all a bunch of idiots and hypocrites. Demanding you change and when you do, not believing that you have.” His dad picked up a rock and threw it in the pond. “I’ll admit that accusation threw me for a loop.”
“Why?”
“’Cause it’s true. ’Cause we’ve all been pretty selfish for years.
And yeah, I’m includin’ myself in that group. It pisses me off I was so busy judgin’ you, that I didn’t see what was happenin’ right in my own damn family. Saw your brothers had followed my lead and were wrongly judgin’ you too. It took Cam to bring it to a head.” He scowled. “Although, now that I think back, Keely mentioned something along those same lines, what’s the point in changin’ if no one believes you can.” He shot Colt a sidelong glance. “I’ll admit she was right. To you. Be no livin’ with that girl if I admit it to her.”
Colt smiled.
“Son, I’m just gonna say this flat out. You know I ain’t a spillin’ my guts kinda man. I’m better at showin’ my feelings than my dad was, but I ain’t nearly the father I oughta be. I know that, especially when I see how good Cord and Colby and Carter are with their boys. I’m damn proud of them. They’re good fathers and good men. I struggle with wantin’ to be more like that even now that you kids are all grown.”
Would his father gloss over and say something nice about him…just to have something positive to say?
“Yet, of all my boys, I feel I failed you the most.”
Thud. The other boot officially dropped.
“Not because you hit bottom. Not because of the alcohol.”
“Then why?” Colt demanded.
“Because you’re too goddamn much like me for your own goddamn good. You have been since the day you slid outta your mama, all wide-eyed, cooin’ charm and smilin’.” He paused. “Know the first thing Caro said to me after she gave birth to Cam? You must’ve been about two and a half.”
“What?”
“Don’t let me love Colt more than the other boys. I thought it was some weird hormonal pregnancy talk, so I kinda patted her on the hand and told her it’d be all right. But she was insistent I understand. Musta been mother’s intuition because she knew from the get-go.”
“Knew what?”
“Knew that you’re a carbon copy of me. People say that of Cord, but it ain’t true. You look like me, you act like me, hell, you probably even think like me. Caro knew every time she looked at you…she’d see me. See my strengths and faults and want to fix the bad ones and bolster the good ones. Caro knew she’d play favorites.
She knew she’d let you get away with anything, so she left it up to me to even things up.”
Colt was absolutely tongue-tied.
“Now that I think about it, it chaps my ass, her passin’ the buck to me. I ended up bein’ harder on you than I shoulda been. Harder on you than I was on your brothers, that’s for damn sure. Expected more outta you too. And if you did something wrong, goddamn if I didn’t feel like I’d done something wrong. And when you did something right?” His laugh was bitter. “Well, I didn’t heap praise on you, now did I?”
“No. Dad—”
“Lemme finish. As things changed, we expanded the ranch, you showed us all up by buyin’ land we all scoffed at and forged your own way. Then your brothers came home, and I shoulda taken you aside. Made sure you knew how important you were—are—to the ranch and to me. But I shoulda warned you too. I knew you were drinkin’ too much. I knew you were whorin’ around. Thing was, I didn’t know them things because I’d been listenin’ to gossip. I knew them things because I’d lived them.”
Not another back in my day lecture, Colt thought.
“Your uncles and I were the original McKay hellraisers. I was the worst of the lot. I drank too much, smoked pot, drove my truck like a f**kin’ idiot, charmed my way into the pants of every woman that’d have me—married, single, old, young, if they had a pu**y they were fair game.”
Colt reached behind the log and handed his dad a bottle of water. The man’s mouth had to be parched with the way he was babbling on. It was as scary as it was fascinating.
“Thanks.” Carson took a long pull off the bottle. “Oh, and you’ll get a kick outta this. I told my old man to f**k off.
Repeatedly. Told him I didn’t give a shit about his stupid piece of Wyoming dirt. I just wanted to get the hell away from him because he was a mean, old bastard.”
“Jesus. What did Grandpop say?”
“Told me to get my ass back on the tractor and finish mowin’ the south hay field because I had no choice. The McKay Ranch was my only choice. I imagine you must’ve felt that way a time or two yourself.”
“You might say that.”
“Anyway, about that time, I met your mother. I ain’t gonna get graphic and gooey, but sweet baby Jesus, did I want that woman in the worst way. She was an innocent eighteen-year-old beauty. I was a hard-edged, twenty-four-year-old cowboy who got by on charm and looks and lived to raise hell. I convinced her to marry me, over her family’s objections, over my family’s objections, hell, over everyone’s objections.
“Sad to say, I didn’t change once we said them vows. I still drank. I still went to the bars and fought anyone who looked at me cross-eyed. And if they looked at your mother? I tried to kill them. I still did whatever the hell I wanted, whenever I wanted. Within three years we had one baby and one on the way, we were livin’ in a trailer, hand to mouth. She shoulda left me. Many times. I thank the heavens she didn’t because she’s the only one who could ever get through to me when I hit rock bottom.”
The idea of his staid, gruff, in control father, hitting rock bottom, startled Colt into blurting out, “No shit?”