I heard her sigh before saying, “Reiss, please, you don’t have to do this. It’s fine. You can go by yourself to these events. There’s no need for you to explain yourself or feel bad about. You were clear in the beginning, and I have accepted that. As I said before, having you this way is better than nothing, and I stand by that decision.”
“What do you mean?” I sounded exactly as I felt, frustrated as hell. “So are you telling me you’re fine with me going out, wining and dining other women, just as long as you have me come home to you every night? Am I getting this right, or am I off the mark?”
She made another sigh, the sound starting to grate on me. “I don’t need you to feel like it’s an obligation to take me with you when you socialize since I’m carrying your baby or we’re sleeping together,” she grounded out, sounding more level-headed as the time ticked away. “It’s fine, and I mean that, Reiss. So, please, you need not worry.”
“How can you sound so calm and tell me not to worry? Everything about this is making me bloody worry. You acting rather nonchalant about other women makes me believe you would readily tolerate such behavior from me. I truly apologize if my past actions led you to believe such, but I don’t want any of this. The more time I’ve had to think about it, the more I have come to believe that I don’t want anyone else sparking your interest due to my neglect of you.”
“Reiss, you haven’t neglected me. I just know how these marriages work. I see this sort of relationship happen all the time, so you don’t have to feel awful about it.” She reached out to touch my chest, as if trying to soothe the tension that was wired into my body.
“You’re not getting my point, Ava! Just for a second, please, just listen to me.” Pressing my temples, I pulled myself together and sat up on the bed, somewhat slouched as I blindly stared into the ocean of comforters and sheets. “I want this to work. I don’t want some complicated relationship with you that’s based on an agreement and nothing more. I’m trying to tell you that I want a marriage— a real one—with you.” I suddenly felt nervous when she didn’t respond; however, I didn’t glance back, needing courage to finish what I had to say before facing her and what she thought of it. “I want a family, maybe a couple more kids after this little bun. Marriage has always been on my mind, although I never really thought it would happen since I paid little attention to making it happen before.
“What I told you at The Savoy about me telling the woman I loved to wait because she was who I wanted to marry … it was all a lie. I made that up to somehow build a protection around me, and at the same time, for you not to have any designs other than what we’d agreed upon. I was in the wrong to that because, you see, I had underestimated your power over me.
“I should’ve taken a lesson from the past—it would be an impossibility for me to ever resist you, Ava. Apart from the brilliant chemistry between us, we also have this bond that I’ve shared with no one else. I’m comfortable with you. I can be myself without having to always worry about my partner accusing me of being neglectful. We enjoy each other’s laughter as much as we enjoy our joined silence while we simply drift into our own worlds.
“I have no doubt in my mind that you’re going to be a splendid mother. I also have no reservations that you will do everything in your power to keep us both—the child and I—happy in your care and in our home. You have this calming energy about you that lulls my troubles away. Maybe it’s simply how much you represent one of the happiest times of my life. But none of it matters if you don’t see a future for us, or anything past having the baby.
“Tonight … tonight, I realized how much I wanted you to be there, standing next to me. I actually pictured you whispering silly things or rather fun facts about the people we’d encountered. Your sense of humor is off beat, but I think it’s cute, and I want all of that. I want all of you.
“These past weeks have been nothing short of amazing, and I want this—us—to continue. I want us to be weathering all the good and the bad, hand in hand, as we tackle them together.
“Being with you made me realize how much I need you with me. You make me feel as if I’m truly living. For years, I have been living a lie, believing that everything was perfect and nothing would ever crumble the world I had made for myself, but you came along and proved me wrong. You appeared out of nowhere, just as you had that first time, and effortlessly took my breath away.
“I’m not perfect, nor do I want to be. I have the oddest tendency of being a bastard and unapologetically irrational when jealous. Also, I have the hardest time trying to put my emotions into words, which must tell you how difficult of a journey it was for me to get to the point where I can openly tell you I want this to work, forever if you’re willing.
“I’m sure you already know that you didn’t marry a saint, but I can give you my word that I’m loyal, and I’ll be your greatest advocate, to cheer you on when you’re feeling blue or when your mother decides to grace us with her superiority. I’m going to be here, next to you, holding you because you and I are a unit.
“I also can’t promise that, along the way, I won’t let you down a time or two, and I hope, when that time comes, you won’t give up on me, because even though I know I can be a stubborn fool, I won’t ever leave you. So, to save us both the argument and screams, I’m giving you an advanced warning where that’s concerned.”
I took a moment, recalling everything. “The past made us who we are today, and even though it was a turning point in my life, I didn’t ever regret loving you. True, I hated you on sight, but that all stemmed from rejection, amongst other things. But I have moved past that, setting it aside, and all the emotional baggage I have harbored is gone. I won’t ever forget what it did to me, but it’s time to bury the hatchet and move forward.”
Letting myself look at her, I shifted to fully face her before gathering both of her hands with mine, holding on to them to show her how much I meant all of this. “I care about your happiness, and if you think or doubt for a moment that I’m not the man to give you the kind of joy you’re seeking from a partner, then I’ll gladly step away and let you go, though reluctantly, of course.” Seeking her eyes, I held my breath as I read her eyes, hoping they could clue me in on how she would respond.