She looked up from her computer and gave me a forced smile that never reached her eyes. “Do you need something, Cassian?”
Her tone told me she could do icy as well as I could. Fuck, being shut out stung. My walls shot up around me, like they always did when I sensed I could be hurt. I should have fought to say something to her, but I just shook my head and walked away back into my office.
I couldn’t go on like this much longer. I spent every waking minute thinking about her. I missed the sound of her voice, the smell of her perfume, everything that made her so different from everyone else in my life.
But whatever I did to get her back had to be right. It had to show her how much she meant to me since telling her wasn’t going to be enough after what I’d done.
Just before nine, I heard Olivia close her office door. Unlike so many nights before, she didn’t peek her head in to say goodnight. I watched from my desk as she walked into the club and my chest ached from how empty I felt without her in my life.
Stefan came in just as she faded from view. As always, he was the last person I wanted to see. Before he could sit down, I held my hand up to stop him. “I’m leaving, so whatever you want will have to wait.”
He ignored my warning and sat down anyway. Leaning forward to rest his forearms on my desk, he said, “I know. I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”
A parade of ideas as to what he was sorry for marched through my mind. With Stefan, I never knew. “What are you talking about, Stefan?”
Looking down at the floor, he answered quietly, “Rachel. I’m sorry, Cash.”
A flash of rage tore through me. Now he wanted to apologize? “What’s this about, little brother? For five years you didn’t seem to need to apologize. Now you feel the need to?”
Stefan looked up at me and grimaced. “I never meant to hurt you. I don’t know why it happened. I know it should have never happened.”
“Why are you telling me this now? Because Rachel and I are getting divorced? You want her? Feel free.”
He shook his head. “No. We were never anything permanent. By the time you two fell apart, we were done. I just saw how this Olivia thing affected you and wanted to say I was sorry for what I did.”
I moved from behind my desk to stand in front of him. “Stefan, Rachel and I didn’t fall apart. You and she tore us apart.”
Looking up at me with the same look he always gave our mother to get out of trouble, he nodded. “I know. There’s nothing I can do about it now, but I thought you should know I’m sorry.”
He stood to his full height, still two inches shorter than my six foot two inches, and stuck out his hand. I stared down at it in amazement, unsure what he expected me to do. “So we’re going to shake on it and then what? We’re all good?”
“Jesus, Cash. How long are you going to let this eat you up? I fucked up. I know. You’ll never trust me again. I get it. But Christ, you’re moving on with Olivia. You can’t move on with me?”
Ignoring how wrong he was about Olivia, I snapped at him, “You sleep with my wife and I’m supposed to move on. Is that right? Let me guess. You have some bullshit excuse like our father never loved you like he loved me. Was that it?”
“Says the son who the sun rose and fucking set on. You get to be Cassian March IV, the heir to our father’s name, and I get to be Stefan, the spare.”
“So this is your apology for sleeping with my wife and ruining my marriage? You felt unloved by our father, so you thought fucking my wife would make up for that?” I barked at him, not believing what I was hearing.
“Whatever. You wouldn’t understand. You’re the son who always got everything.”
I cocked back my arm to finally pummel the fuck out of his face, to finally live out that dream I’d had night after night for months after finding out what he’d done to betray me. I’d played out in my mind over and over what I wanted to do to make him suffer like he’d made me suffer. Now, though, other than wanting to lay him out like I used to when we were teenagers, I couldn’t bring myself to keep my anger at him alive anymore.
I didn’t hit him. Even though I hated his bullshit “Daddy never loved me enough” excuse, I stopped myself. Instead, I gave him the forgiveness I hoped Olivia would give me. Lowering my hand, I said, “Maybe it is time to move on, Stefan. You’re my brother, my blood. I can’t go on hating you.”
“See? I knew you couldn’t stay angry at me forever,” he said with that stupid smile on his face. “Don’t worry. I won’t ever do it again.”
Leveling my gaze on him, I let my anger out one last time. “I swear to God if you ever try anything with Olivia, I’ll kill you, Stefan.”
The smile slowly slid from his face, and he raised his hands in front of him as he backed up toward the door. “I get it. I won’t fuck up again. “
I walked around to sit down behind my desk, exhausted by Stefan’s need for confession and Olivia’s unwillingness to forgive me. Closing my laptop, I thought about what I could do to get her back. Day after day, the pain of missing her had grown until my chest felt empty and hollow.
“Cash, you okay?”
Looking up, I nodded at Stefan and forced a smile. “Yeah. I’m fine.”
“If this is what love makes a man look like, I don’t ever want it. You look shit, big brother.”
“Thanks.”
“She still won’t forgive you? You know, you have this coming. You do that shut everyone out thing that you don’t realize how much it bothers people.”
“Don’t you have a club to run or some bartender to molest?”
“I was just trying to give some brotherly advice. Thought I could help.”
This was the second time in a week my brothers thought their advice was warranted. “You too? First Kane and then you with the advice on my personal life.”
Stefan twisted up his expression. “Don’t listen to Kane, whatever you do. What would he know about love?”
I thought about everything I knew about my half-brother’s life before we’d begun working together at the club. “I’d say a whole lot more than you. The man did time for a woman he loved. I don’t think you can make the same claim.”
My younger brother snorted his disgust at Kane’s chivalry. “Thank God! Like I’d ever go to prison for any reason, especially love. And if that’s what love does to a man, fuck that. Look at you and him. He’s done time and you’re more miserable than I’d ever seen you. You two should do what I do—avoid love like the plague. It’s does nothing but ruin a man.”