“I don’t know. But I need some space. And to be frank, you probably do too. Maybe you need to spend some time processing. It’s kind of a big deal what you shared with me,” she said in a sympathetic voice.
“When will I see you again?” he asked, hating the way he sounded, but needing to know if this was the end.
“I don’t know.”
“Are you . . . are we still staying together?” he asked tentatively, because it seemed as if the entire trip had been upended now, turned on its head.
“That’s a good question. And I don’t have the answer to that. This is why I need some time alone right now to think. All I know for certain is we have an expiration date in a week anyway. So, really, what’s another week?”
It was a damn good question. They’d already gone further, pushed more, fallen harder than they were supposed to. What would happen in another week? Too much, too little, not enough? Or did she mean what did it matter now if they shared their final days? Maybe they’d done all they could for each other and it was time to move on.
She seemed to be waiting for an answer, but he didn’t have one.
She walked away.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Closed
She was used to being alone. Had grown more than comfortable with her own company so it was only natural for her to leave, wet hair and all. She hadn’t expected the pain though. The ache in her chest from walking away. It felt like a fresh wound, bleeding and tender, seeping crimson tears into the rest of her body, a trail of her unrequited love for him.
She pushed on sunglasses even though the sky was turning gray. Typical Paris weather. But she needed to hide her eyes or everyone could see the sadness. With her arms crossed over her chest, she walked through the mid-morning crowds on rue Royale, past the designer shops, past Cartier and Lanvin, wishing she wasn’t sore in her ass. She shook her head, frustrated with herself, and nearly bumped into a woman walking a small Terrier mix.
“Pardon,” she mumbled as she kept up her pace.
It seemed an indignity to have gone there with him last night, only to have him decide the next morning to suddenly confess all his goddamn guilt. She’d tried so hard to be rational, to separate herself from all he’d shared, to be the consummate professional. But inside, she’d been reeling, sent back to the starting line. Do not cross go. Do not collect $200. You are once again in love with a man who doesn’t love you.
Fine, fine. The situation was vastly different from Clay. He hadn’t even known how she felt, and he never reciprocated. With Jack, she knew he cared. She knew he wanted her. But was he even capable of love? That’s what terrified her. He hadn’t returned her words the other night, and he certainly hadn’t left her with any reassurances this morning either. He’d only said You are.
A slight reassurance, but it didn’t cut it.
She understood why he’d left Aubrey, and she didn’t fault him for that. But she had to wonder if the man could ever take a big step, and she needed a big step. She’d taken it with him. Not through sex, but by loving him. Loving him desperately. She didn’t want just sex with him anymore. She wanted it all, and she barely had anything.
But that was her own fault, wasn’t it? She’d overstepped the conditions of their deal.
Typical. So damn typical of her. She always fell for the wrong guy. She always felt too much. She needed a straightjacket for her heart. Cage the damn thing up, and wrap chains around it. Stupid organ was working overtime, and she needed it to work less.
She marched past a cafe with a red awning, and peered inside at the plates of eggs and bread being served. Her stomach rumbled. She was hungry, and she was mad for being hungry. Didn’t her stomach know that her heart and her head were a terrible mess?
She spotted a couple in the corner, the man happily feeding the woman a slice of potato. The woman rolled her eyes in pleasure. His arm was draped over her shoulder.
Michelle wanted to hiss at them.
She looked away, resuming her walk, but suddenly lovers were everywhere. Around every corner. On every bench. In every cafe. She didn’t want to be surrounded by lovers. She wanted to escape from her head, and all these thoughts pounding at her, begging for attention.
At the next taxi stand, she grabbed a cab, and sped off to Gare Saint Lazare. An hour later, the train rattled into Giverny, and she caught another taxi to Monet’s Gardens.
She bought a ticket, and crossed into another world, a kaleidoscope of colors with reds, yellows and oranges that blazed under the sun. She wandered through lush fields of purple tulips, red irises, pink poppies and reached the pond where the water lilies floated lazily in the glassy blue waters, under the watchful gaze of a weeping willow.
She walked through the fall morning mist, staring at the endless beauty before her, at the pinwheel of colors—rich purples, pale blues, emerald greens. She wished love were as easy as this garden. As easy as knowing this was as close to perfection as the world would ever get.
But love was not a garden. It was a war zone right now, and she had no notion of whether to retreat or rejoin the battle. She only knew that it would be wise to have her own hotel room. She phoned the Sofitel and booked a second room for the next few nights, biting out the words so she wouldn’t break down and sob. This was not how she’d planned to spend five days in Paris with him.
Apart.
* * *
He buried himself in work for the next few hours. He couldn’t do anything else. Thinking about her hurt too much.
He put on blinders, and narrowed his focus solely to running his company. Tending to matters. Dealing with suppliers. Even reviewing the plans he’d put together to “change the conversation” when it came to Denkler. The plans were good, solid, strong.
Casey had sent over the marketing strategy. Henry and Eden were fully on board too. But honestly, it wouldn’t take much to get the word out. A few well-placed signs outside Henry’s Upper East Side store, a few online ads, and some social media mentions. Then word would spread of exactly how Eden and Joy Delivered contributed to the community.
Conroy was winning with a message that appeared positive. Denkler and company would overtake him, with a far, far better one.
The approach would work; he was as sure of that as he was of anything when it came to business. He knew how to navigate the choppy waters of the business world. Show him a problem, he’d show you the solution. That was his specialty. Applying logic. Studying the map and seeing a new route through. Finding the path that others hadn’t spotted yet.