“It is. It is far more than I deserve.” I deserve nothing.
“Everyone deserves love.” She sniffs and I pull a tissue from the box that sits beside her bed. “Well, maybe not child molesters and serial killers, but everyone else.”
“The world does not owe me anything. That is one of the failings of many humans, I think. They believe the world owes them something.” She blows her nose and tosses the tissue in the trash. I want to lick the rest of the tears from her cheeks, but I stay silent.
She turns her face up. It is blotchy and her eyes are swollen, but she is still exquisite. “You know I love you.” It is the first she has said it out loud.
“Yes.” Yes, yes, yes. Always yes.
“Don't you care that I love you, but you can't love me back?” Always yes.
“I do, but it is not my biggest concern.”
“What is your biggest concern?” She pulls back so she can watch my face.
“Keeping you safe. That overwhelms any feeling I might want to have for you.” She wipes her eyes again.
“But I want to keep you safe,” she says.
“You cannot.”
“Yeah, that's right, because I'm a weak little human.” She tries to break away from the grasp of my arms, but I won't let her.
“No. Because if something will happen to me, then it will happen.”
“I don't want it to.” My stubborn Ava.
“I know.”
“I just love you and I don't want to lose you.” Her tears return.
“I know.”
“Would you stop saying that?” I know she is going to lunge at me, and I let her. Her lips mash against mine and her smell floods my nose. I kiss her back, letting her emotions bolster my own, making us both want.
More, more, more.
I have to push her away so I don't bite her lips to get to her blood. Her skin is like paper, so easily torn. A membrane that impedes my access.
“Have some.” She holds out her wrist. Of course she can sense my need.
“No.”
“Goddammit, I know you need it because my stomach is killing me.” She tries to push me away. I let her. She's crying again. “Will you promise me something?” I do not make promises lightly, but would make an exception for her.
“That would depend on what it was.”
“I want you to promise me that you'll look for a way. A way to break this curse. Because I swear, if I lose you, I'm never going to forgive you. I'll curse your name for the rest of my life.” It is the only threat she can make. She has little leverage, and she knows it. But the threat that she would curse me is enough. The image of her miserable is enough.
“I can promise to try.”
“Not good enough.” I recognize that face. She is determined. As usual.
“Ava.”
“Don't even.” She puts her hand up as if trying to stop me. “You got me into this whole thing. You made me fall in love with you, and now I want you to fix this. Because I can't lose you. I won't let it happen. I want to be with you, as insane as that sounds. I know you're like, way older and it's creepy and illegal, if you were a human. I know I'm going to have to give you blood and that there will be times when you do things I can't be a part of. But I don't care. I want to be a part of it. I want to be a part of you.” She snags her hand in her hair in frustration.
I need a moment to think. Even though my thoughts move faster than hers, the rapid spray of her words leaves me silent.
“It's not happening is it?” She takes my hands, turning them over.
“No. I was thinking.”
“Oh.” The blood rushes to her face, and I want to reach out and take it. I want it almost more than I want to promise her. Almost, but not quite.
“I never felt that way about anyone when I was alive. There was a girl in town that I used to walk home. She lived across the street and her laugh was so loud, I could hear it from my porch. I used to try and peek in her bedroom window, but I never got a glimpse of her. The legend of the vampire, such as it is, paints us as lascivious creatures with a lust for sex as much as a lust for blood. That is another myth. While there are some noctali, who, I am sure, take part in those activities, I am not one of them.” Her face flames with color at the mention of sex.
“Is this some sort of crazy way to tell me you're a virgin? Can you even, um, do that?” She's still holding my hands. Her's pulse with her heart. A ribbon of embarrassment runs from her to me. It took me a while to understand that was the uncomfortable emotion she had quite frequently. It is not an emotion I can feel for myself.
“I am trying to tell you that I have never felt that way about anyone. But if it would be anyone who could make me feel it, it would be you. You would be worth it. So yes, to everything you asked. I promise to find a solution.” While this is not a binding promise, since Ava is not a noctalis, I still feel the weight of it settling over my shoulder like a cape.
“Good.” She lets out a breath, expelling her scent all over me. I want to wrap myself in it and drown. She puts her hands around mine. They are so small, my fingers jut out above hers.
“Would you stay here with me?”
“I will always stay with you.”
“I mean here.” She motions to her bed.
“I don't know if that would be a good idea.”
Her hand drops mine. “Oh, well. It was just an idea. You can go back to your book.” She turns her back, sliding back down under the blankets. The rejections stings her.
“A few feet closer shouldn't do too much damage.” Surprised, she turns over. I have been working on my sarcasm.
“Are you sure? You could have a little, if you wanted.” She pushes her arm toward me.
“That would only whet my appetite.” I would kill her, if I took some now.
“Oh, right.” She watches as I lay next to her, pulling one pillow behind my back. I am never uncomfortable, but I want her to think that I am comfortable. Her scent wafts up from the sheets, surrounding me in a cloud. She turns on her side, looking up at me.
“Only if you're sure.”
“I am sure,” I say, picking my book up. She lays as far from me as she can get without falling off the bed. I will bring her closer when she falls asleep.
“Go to sleep. We will talk in the morning.”
“Okay. Goodnight Peter.” She rolls onto her side, her back facing me.
“Goodnight, Ava-Claire.”
She falls asleep and I think about promises and how to keep them.
Chapter Six