She had to own what she’d done. She’d kept something huge from him, a truth she should have admitted long before. And now he was left wondering just how they could build a relationship on a lie. And deciding they couldn’t. She didn’t blame him. She just wished she’d thought of things from his perspective earlier.
At first, she’d had the honest excuse that she and Decklan had agreed neither one of them wanted a relationship. And once things had changed, she’d wanted to live in the moment. She’d convinced herself that nothing that was going on with Brad meant anything in the scheme of her real life with Decklan. Because it was easier not to deal with the issue, to tell Decklan the truth, or to push Brad to change the status quo. She’d been stupid and deluded. And even selfish. As she’d told him, being in a real relationship wasn’t something she had experience with. Neither was being in a functional family.
But those were also excuses. She’d screwed up. And now she was paying the price.
When her doorbell rang, she pulled her covers up higher over her head and ignored it. Of course, whoever it was wasn’t giving up, but neither was she giving in. Eventually they’d go away.
Finally, there was silence. “Thank God.”
“What’s wrong? Do you need a doctor?” Brad asked, striding into the room.
“Oh my God, you scared the crap out of me!” She jerked up in bed and put her hand over her pounding heart.
“Have key, will enter,” he said, dangling the set she’d given him for emergencies.
“This isn’t an emergency,” she told him. “Go away.” She slid down into the bed.
“When you don’t show up at work, it is one.” He settled on the edge of the bed and pulled the covers away from her face. “Decklan didn’t take the news well?” he asked, sympathy in his voice.
“Decklan had already seen the news.” She groaned at the memory of his cold greeting and everything that had followed.
“I’m so sorry.” Brad held out his arms for a hug, and she accepted the comfort, laying her head on his chest.
“He’s so hurt and angry.” She didn’t get into the personal details of the confrontation. Those were between the two of them. “The thing is, he’s not wrong.”
“No, he’s not. But if he knows you as well as you say he does, he’ll understand you have a big heart and you were helping out a friend.”
She looked up at him. “He understands that I didn’t put him first. I didn’t choose him over you. And you know what? He’s right,” she said, coming to that revelation for the first time.
She pushed herself up against the pillows and folded her arms across her chest. “If I’d seen him on television being announced as soon-to-be-engaged to another woman, I’d not only lose my shit, I’d probably want to kill him.” Looking at it that way, she was lucky he’d only had her strip before changing his mind.
As she realized how selfish and stupid she’d been, another lump formed in her throat. Both she and Brad had been selfish. “What happened with Keith?”
He settled onto the edge of her bed with a resigned sigh that didn’t bode well. “He was watching because I’d given him a heads-up once I realized there’d be a press conference. And when I got home, his bags were packed.”
“What? It’s not like he didn’t know about our charade, so why now?”
“The announcement drove the point home that we’d never have a life together. He didn’t want to live that way,” Brad said, his pain evident.
“God. So we both lost someone we love.” She blinked, the word love spilling off her lips and the realization slamming into her. She loved Decklan. She wasn’t sure why her emotions had taken so long to crystalize. Maybe, because like everything else in her life, she’d never felt this depth of feeling for another human being other than Brad. And that was deep friendship.
She choked back a sob. She wasn’t the only one suffering.
“Is he really gone for good?” Brad asked.
Amanda shrugged as the tears came again. “I think he needs time, but I don’t know if he’ll ever trust me.”
And once again, she was forced to admit if the situation were reversed, she didn’t know if she’d be able to re-extend that kind of faith and trust. Not when it had been so hard won to begin with. And it had, for both of them.
“What are you going to do?” she asked her best friend.
“I’m going to do what I should have done from the beginning. I’m going to come out to my parents and hope for the best.”
Amanda blinked. “Really? You’re ready for that?”
“I’m not ready to lose the man I love.”
She wished he’d come to this conclusion before her life had imploded, but she couldn’t tell him that. And it wouldn’t change anything. “What do you think he’ll say?”
“Publicly, he’s opposed to homosexuality and same-sex relationships. But that’s the party line. I’ve always known it and I never pushed the issue.” He dipped his head. “I think I’ve been a coward. I used his political future as an excuse.”
“It’s not easy, I’m sure.”
“Come with me to tell him?” he asked her, placing his hand over hers.
“Of course.” She wouldn’t send him alone. After all, the senator might not be her father, but this was her lie too.
* * *
A few days later, Amanda found herself at the senator’s newly and quickly established campaign headquarters with Brad. She’d pulled herself together after that first twenty-four hours, climbed out of bed, and returned to work. She’d promised to stand by Brad as he came out to his father, and she planned to keep her word.
They were met by Mitchell Dawson, the senator’s campaign manager, a weasel of a man who Amanda had disliked the first time they’d met. Her view hadn’t changed. He greeted them cordially but without warmth and escorted both her and Brad into the senator’s large office … and stayed. He didn’t excuse himself or walk out.
Amanda shot Brad a concerned look but he shrugged. She took that to mean he’d expected the other man’s presence. Mitchell was always around, even in the Ritter’s personal get-togethers, silent but there, another reason Amanda found him creepy.
“Bradley, Amanda! So good to see you both.” Stephan held Amanda’s hands and kissed her cheek. “You look pale. Are you feeling okay?” he asked her.