"And I can't ever take my eyes off her," I noted. "Or you."
Spiridon laughed again and elbowed Dimitri. "You've got a star student there. Did you give her a stake?"
"No. She's not ready."
"I would be if someone would show me how to use one," I argued. I knew every guardian in the van had a stake and a gun concealed on him.
"More to it than just using the stake," said Dimitri in his old-and-wise way. "You've still got to subdue them. And you've got to bring yourself to kill them."
"Why wouldn't I kill them?"
"Most Strigoi used to be Moroi who purposely turned. Sometimes they're Moroi or dhampirs turned by force. It doesn't matter. There's a strong chance you might know one of them. Could you kill someone you used to know?"
This trip was getting less fun by the minute.
"I guess so. I'd have to, right? If it's them or Lissa..."
"You might still hesitate," said Dimitri. "And that hesitation could kill you. And her."
"Then how do you make sure you don't hesitate?"
"You have to keep telling yourself that they aren't the same people you knew. They've become something dark and twisted. Something unnatural. You have to let go of attachments and do what's right. If they have any grain of their former selves left, they'll probably be grateful."
"Grateful for me killing them?"
"If someone turned you into a Strigoi, what would you want?" he asked.
I didn't know how to answer that, so I said nothing. Never taking his eyes off me, he kept pushing.
"What would you want if you knew you were going to be converted into a Strigoi against your will? If you knew you would lose all sense of your old morals and understanding of what's right and wrong? If you knew you'd live the rest of your life - your immortal life - killing innocent people? What would you want?"
The van had grown uncomfortably silent. Staring at Dimitri, burdened by all those questions, I suddenly understood why he and I had this weird attraction, good looks aside.
I'd never met anyone else who took being a guardian so seriously, who understand all the life-and-death consequences. Certainly no one my age did yet; Mason hadn't been able to understand why I couldn't relax and drink at the party. Dimitri had said I grasped my duty better than many older guardians, and I didn't get why - especially when they would have seen so much more death and danger. But I knew in that moment that he was right, that I had some weird sense of how life and death and good and evil worked with each other.
So did he. We might get lonely sometimes. We might have to put our "fun" on hold. We might not be able to live the lives we wanted for ourselves. But that was the way it had to be. We understood each other, understood that we had others to protect. Our lives would never be easy.
And making decisions like this one was part of that.
"If I became Strigoi...I'd want someone to kill me."
"So would I," he said quietly. I could tell that he'd had the same flash of realization I'd just had, that same sense of connection between us.
"It reminds me of Mikhail hunting Sonya," murmured Victor thoughtfully.
"Who are Mikhail and Sonya?" asked Lissa.
Victor looked surprised. "Why, I thought you knew. Sonya Karp."
"Sonya Kar...you mean, Ms. Karp? What about her?" She looked back and forth between me and her uncle.
"She...became Strigoi," I said, not meeting Lissa's eyes. "By choice."
I'd known Lissa would find out some day. It was the final piece of Ms. Karp's saga, a secret I'd kept to myself. A secret that worried me constantly. Lissa's face and bond registered complete and utter shock, growing in intensity when she realized I'd known and never told.
"But I don't know who Mikhail is," I added.
"Mikhail Tanner," said Spiridon.
"Oh. Guardian Tanner. He was here before we left." I frowned. "Why is he chasing Ms. Karp?"
"To kill her," said Dimitri flatly. "They were lovers."
The entire Strigoi thing shifted into new focus for me. Running into a Strigoi I knew during the heat of battle was one thing. Purposely hunting down someone...someone I'd loved. Well, I didn't know if I could do that, even if it was technically the right thing.
"Perhaps it is time to talk about something else," said Victor gently. "Today isn't a day to dwell on depressing topics."
I think all of us felt relieved to get to the mall. Shifting into my bodyguard role, I stuck by Lissa's side as we wandered from store to store, looking at all the new styles that were out there. It was nice to be in public again and to do something with her that was just fun and didn't involve any of the dark, twisted politics of the Academy. It was almost like old times. I'd missed just hanging out. I'd missed my best friend.
Although it was only just past mid-November, the mall already had glittering holiday decorations up. I decided I had the best job ever. Admittedly, I did feel a little put out when I realized the older guardians got to stay in contact through cool little communication devices. When I protested my lack of one, Dimitri told me I'd learn better without one. If I could handle protecting Lissa the old-fashioned way, I could handle anything.
Victor and Spiridon stayed with us while Dimitri and Ben fanned out, somehow managing not to look like creepy stalker guys watching teenage girls.
"This is so you," said Lissa in Macy's, handing me a low-cut tank top embellished with lace. "I'll buy it for you."
I regarded it longingly, already picturing myself in it. Then, making my regular eye contact with Dimitri, I shook my head and handed it back. "Winter's coming. I'd get cold."
"Never stopped you before."
Shrugging, she hung it back up. She and Camille tried on a nonstop string of clothes, their massive allowances ensuring that price posed no problem. Lissa offered to buy me anything I wanted. We'd been generous with each other our whole lives, and I didn't hesitate to take her up on it. My choices surprised her.
"You've got three thermal shirts and a hoodie," she informed me, flipping through a stack of BCBG jeans. "You've gone all boring on me."
"Hey, I don't see you buying slutty tops."
"I'm not the one who wears them."
"Thanks a lot."
"You know what I mean. You're even wearing your hair up."
It was true. I'd taken Dimitri's advice and wrapped my hair up in a high bun, earning a smile when he'd seen me. If I'd had molnija marks, they would have shown.
Glancing around, she made sure none of the others could hear us. The feelings in the bond shifted to something more troubled.