August 10th
I got a new tattoo today. I wish I could show it to Payton, but I can’t because she’s not here. And she won’t ever be again.
I will be. And I can’t wait to see your new tattoo. I wish you had described it.
August 15th
I couldn’t shake the need to see my mother again so I called her today. We’re meeting tomorrow. It’s scary, but not near as much as thinking about spending the rest of my life without Payton. God, I miss her.
I didn’t know you saw Tillie. She never mentioned it.
August 16th
I met my mother at a restaurant in Collinsville today. I got to hear her version of how things happened. It wasn’t pretty, but I’m glad to know the truth.
Just when I think I can’t begin to understand how she walked away from us, I think about the things I would do if Payton asked me to and I find that I shouldn’t be too critical or judgmental because I would do anything Payton asked of me.
Payton was right. She blackmailed Vivian about her affair with David so we could be together. I said it wouldn’t change the way I felt about her, but I was wrong. She helped us be together, so how could I hate her?
She wants to see Jake and Dallas. I’m going to ask them for her, but Jake will refuse because he was so angry when Dad told him she lived so close. I think Dallas will agree. She doesn’t remember her and if nothing else, she would want to see her out of curiosity.
My mother says Payton is at UT and she hasn’t seen her in a few weeks. I found out Vivian lied to me about Payton and Cooper. They didn’t get back together. I was happy to hear that, but it only means she’s on the market for someone else to have.
It would kill me to see her with someone else.
I hope seeing Tillie helped you. I’m glad you know the truth about me and Cooper. And I’m not on the market. My heart belongs to you and no other.
August 22th
I’m settling into classes and it’s helping me take my mind off Payton. A little.
Luke and Justin talked me into going out with them tonight. They told me I needed to get laid to forget about Payton. I would try it if I thought it would work.
No. No. No. Don’t do that, Nick. Please.
August 23rd
We went to the club last night. I danced with some girls, but none of them held a candle to Payton. There was one that reminded me of her though. She wasn’t near as beautiful and she was soft spoken. Nothing like my Payton.
I don’t guess I can call her that anymore. She isn’t my Payton.
This girl liked me. A lot. She asked me to leave the club with her so I did.
No! No! No! I slammed the journal shut and threw it across the room. It slammed against the wall and fell opened on the floor. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t read about him being with another girl.
This was my fault. I shouldn’t have left him. He was sleeping with other girls because I was too stubborn to hear him out. He was innocent all along.
I put my arms around my legs and started rocking. I did this to myself and now I had to deal with the consequences. I looked at Nick’s journal on the floor and walked over to pick it up. I had to own this pain to get past it. Knowing the truth wouldn’t be as bad as imagining far worst.
I picked it up and read that last line again before I continued.
She asked me to leave the club with her so I did.
I went back to her apartment with her because I thought it would help me forget Payton. But it didn’t. Nothing ever does.
She didn’t even expect romantic stuff. It had been so long since I had been with a girl other than Payton, I had forgotten how some of them could be. She was stripping her clothes off like we were about to close some kind of business transaction. She was pissed when I told her I couldn’t sleep with her because my heart belonged to someone and it wasn’t her.
Thank, god! I breathed a sigh of relief, the first breath I had taken since I started reading this entry. And I’m glad she was pissed.
September 11th
Today is my sweet Payton’s birthday. I can call her that if I want to. We’re not together and I can’t give it to her but I still bought the ring I had been saving for. I even got it engraved on the inside just like I planned. “You and No Other.”
I don’t know what I’ll do with it. I guess I’ll stare at it every day and think about how I let the only girl I’ll ever want to marry slip through my fingers.
He bought me a ring? What kind of ring? One that you’d engrave You and No Other inside. I think it’s an engagement ring since he says I’m the only girl he’ll ever want to marry. I have to know. I have to see him. Now.
The sun wasn’t up yet but it would be by the time I got ready and made it to Collinsville. I had to see him. I had to tell him how much I loved him and how wrong I was.
I went to my room to shower and I got ready. I let my hair go curly the way he liked it and I put on the sundress I wore when he took me to dinner after we made love for the first time. I hoped he recognized it and remembered.
When I was ready to go, I softly knocked on Claire’s door. I heard stirring and smiled to myself because I knew she was putting on clothes. “Come in.”
I eased the door open and Jessie was still asleep. I motioned with my finger for her to come out so we didn’t wake him up.
She saw Nick’s journal in my hand. “You read it?”
I clutched it to my heart. “Yes. Maybe I shouldn’t have, but I did and I’ve been so wrong about him. I have to go to him. Now.”
She looked out her window and then at the clock. “It’s still dark. Why don’t you wait until it’s light outside.”
She wasn’t winning this argument. “It’ll be light by the time I get to his house. I can’t stand to be without him another minute. I’ll burst if I stay here. It’s only a two hour drive and I want to be there when he wakes up.”
“I can see it doesn’t matter what I want you to do. You’re going to do whatever you want.”
“Tell me something I don’t know.”
31 In The Middle Of Shallow
Nick
I drank way too much whiskey so my head was freakin’ pounding and whoever was blowing up my phone wasn’t helping matters. I reached over to silence the thing because I was in no mood to talk to anyone, especially at eight o’clock in the morning after the drunk I pulled.
A few minutes later, I heard a soft knock on my door. Shit! Could I not be left in peace for one minute? “What?”
Dallas opened my door and something about the look on her face wasn’t right. She wouldn’t be coming into my room on a Saturday morning this early. I lifted my head to look at her and she had her phone in her hand. She didn’t say a word. She just handed it to me and I could only assume she meant for me to answer it.