“Is that where you took those men you killed the night I was attacked?”
“We aren’t going to talk about that.”
“You never told me what you did to them.” I’m not sure Bleu could ever look at me the same if she knew.
“And I won’t now, either.”
“Why not?”
“Once you learn certain things, there’s an invisible line you cross where there’s no return. There are dark things that will keep your heart from ever seeing the light again. I don’t want that for you.” And that’s why I’ll never allow her to be tainted by the ways of The Fellowship.
Chapter Nineteen
Bleu MacAllister
The drapes are closed but sunlight peeks into the room through a tiny gap in the fabric. I’ve been in Scotland for months and I’m still not accustomed to the long daylight hours. My mind and body remain confused by the short nights.
I reach for Sin but he isn’t by my side. I’m sure he’s in his office working. That’s all he’s done the past two weeks since discharge from the hospital—playing catch-up.
Against doctor’s orders, Sin only took a few days off before returning to his duties at the firm. I’m not at all surprised. He has little to no concern for his health since he thinks he’s invincible. His worry always lies with the well-being of The Fellowship. And me.
I’m certain Sin has come to care for me very much. Our relationship won’t sit well with the brotherhood. It’s possible it won’t be tolerated. That could mean big trouble for me. The rational side of my brain tells me I’m being foolish by playing with a fire I can’t extinguish. If I were smart, I would end this, kill Thane, and get out before I’m discovered.
But I’m not smart. I’m in love.
I move to sit on the edge of the bed and stretch. I plant my feet on the floor and hear a sound I could never mistake—the music of a violin. I fetch my robe from the chair and slip it on as I go toward Sin’s office to discover who the musician is.
I stop in the doorway to admire Sin’s playing. It’s as though he’s making love to the instrument while playing Canon in D Major. I watch him drag the bow and I’m almost jealous of the loving manner in which he regards his instrument.
How could I not know he was a violinist? I love learning new things about him but this is another blunder on my part. I should have at least noticed calluses on his fingers.
His playing ceases when he catches sight of me and I’m left with wanting to hear more. “Please … don’t stop. You play beautifully.”
I move to sit on his desk and he grins before resuming the tune. I close my eyes, savoring every beautiful note until he reaches the end. When he finishes, he leans forward and places a soft kiss against my temple. “Did I wake you?”
“No. I was already awake when I heard you.”
“I haven’t played in a long time. I’m not really sure why I decided to just now.” Okay. Maybe that’s why it never popped up in my research. And he wouldn’t have calluses if he hasn’t played in a while.
I lift my brows and hold out my hands. “May I?”
He shrugs. “Sure.”
He comes to stand behind me and places the lower bout over my collarbone. “Put your jaw here, against the chin rest.” He takes my hand and wraps it around the neck. “Comfortable?”
I allow him to position the violin as though I’ve never held one. “Yes.”
“Keep your wrist rounded. Don’t rest it on the neck,” he instructs.
“Okay.”
He places my fingers where he wants them and then holds the bow for me to take. “Want to try?”
“Sure.”
He steps away and I move my fingers to the place I prefer and stroke the bow across the strings. He leans against his desk and watches as I play the intro to my favorite song. “My choice in music is a little different from yours.”
“I see that.” He’s surprised I play—perhaps even a little impressed. “I don’t know the song but I can see you play quite well.”
“It’s called “Black Orchid” by Blue October.” This is a song I’ve played no less than a thousand times, mostly when I’ve been in a dark place I couldn’t escape. The lyrics are about deep depression but oddly, it brings me comfort.
I’ve allowed myself few things in life that had nothing to do with my plan to end Thane, but my love for catching still images through photography and the joy of playing my violin take the top two spots. Each has allowed me to decompress and express my feelings in ways no one could possibly understand.
I shrug when I finish and curtsy.
“You’re full of trickery, Bonny Bleu.”
“You should probably know it won’t be the last time.” Total truth.
Sin takes the violin and bow from me, placing both on his desk. He glides his hands down the satin gown over my hips and rests them at my lower back. “I’ve never had so much in common with a woman, or with anyone for that matter. Not even Leith or Jamie.” He’s holding me close and looks as though he wants to kiss me but doesn’t. Instead, he studies my face, beginning at my eyes. “I’m not sure what to make of it.” He strokes the back of his fingers down my cheek and rubs his thumb over my bottom lip. “You’re the strongest woman I’ve ever known. You don’t need me to protect you, and while I love that about you, I hate it as well. I sometimes find myself wishing you needed me, maybe just a little.”
I emasculate Sin, just like every other man I encounter. It’s my curse. My durability is going to cause me to blow this if I’m not careful. “I can be your china doll.”
“That’s not what I’m asking for, Bleu. I don’t need to break you to feel like a man.”
Then what does he want from me? “I don’t understand.”
“I want to be your protector. I’m asking you to let me do that if the time comes.” I think there’s something he isn’t telling me.
I’ve never had a man, other than Harry, who wanted to protect me. The turmoil I’m experiencing is bewildering. He’s asking me to submit to him. While that’s everything I’ve never wanted, it’s all I yearn to do when I look into his eyes.
“I’m yours to keep safe.” My submission to Sin feels like a literal door swinging open to a world I’ve never known while the one behind me slams shut.