He looks up sharply. “Yes, you could have.” He pulls himself to his feet and says it again, more firmly. “Yes, you could have. Choices may be unbelievably hard but they’re never impossible.”
“What if it’d been Simone down there instead of Todd?” I say.
And Simone is all over his Noise, his deep feelings for her, feelings I don’t think are returned. “You’re right,” he says. “I don’t know. I hope I’d make the right choice, but Viola it is a choice. To say you have no choice is to release yourself from responsibility and that’s not how a person with integrity acts.” A child, his Noise says, A CHILD, and his voice softens. “And I do believe you’re a person with integrity.”
“You do?” I say.
“Of course I do,” he says. “What’s important is taking responsibility for it. Learning from it. Using it to make things better.”
And I remember Todd saying, It’s not how we fall. It’s how we get back up again.
“I know,” I say. “I’m trying to make things right.”
“I believe you,” he says. “I’m trying, too. You fired the missile, but we made it possible for you to do it.” And I hear Simone in his Noise again, with some spikes of difficulty around it. “You tell Todd to tell the Mayor we’ll only help with things that save lives, that we’re working for peace and nothing else.”
“I already have.”
And I must look so sincere about it, he smiles. It’s so much what I’ve been waiting for that I feel a little leap in my chest. Because his Noise is smiling, too. A little bit.
We see Mistress Coyle coming out of a healing tent, blood on her smock.
“Unfortunately,” Bradley says, “I think the road to peace lies through her.”
“Yeah, but she’s always acting so busy. Too busy to talk.”
“Maybe you should get busy, too, then,” he says. “If you’re feeling up to it.”
“It doesn’t matter if I’m not feeling up to it. It’s something I have to do.” I look back over to where Wilf is working the animals. “I think I know just who to ask, too.”
[TODD]
My dearest son, I read. My dearest son.
The words my ma uses at the top of every page of her journal, words written to me just before and after I was born, saying everything that happened to her and my pa. I’m inside my tent, trying to read ’em.
My dearest son.
But they’re pretty much the only words I can make out in the whole stupid thing. I run my fingers down the page and then the next one over, too, looking at the scrawl of words stretching everywhere.
My ma, talking and talking.
And I can’t hear her.
I reckernize my name here and there. And Cillian’s. And Ben’s. And my heart starts to hurt a bit. I wanna hear my ma talking about Ben, Ben who raised me, Ben who I lost, twice. I wanna hear his voice again.
But I can’t–
(stupid effing idiot)
And then Food? I hear.
I put down the journal and poke my head outta the tent. Angharrad’s looking at me. Food, Todd?
I’m immediately up, immediately over to her, immediately agreeing.
Cuz it’s the first time she’s said my name since–
“Of course, girl,” I say. “I’ll get you some right now.”
She nudges her nose against my chest, almost playful, and my eyes go wet with relief. “I’ll be right back,” I say. I look round but don’t see James nowhere. I head over past the campfire, where the Mayor’s frowning over yet more reports with Mr Tate.
He didn’t have many men to spare but after the attacks on the spies this morning, he said he didn’t have no choice about sending small squadrons of men to the north and south with orders to press on till they heard the Spackle ROAR, then to camp there, far enough away so the Spackle knew we weren’t just gonna let ’em march into town and steamroll over us. They’ll tell us when the invasion is coming, at least, even if they won’t be able to stop it.
I head out into the army, glancing cross the square to where you can just see the top point of the water tank peeking up over the foodstore, buildings I never bothered noticing till they turned into life or death.
I see James coming away from ’em, into the square.
“Hey, James,” I greet him. “Angharrad needs some more feed.”
“More?” He looks surprised. “She’s already been fed today.”
“Yeah, but she’s still only coming outta the shock of the battle and all that. Besides,” I say, scratching my ear, “for the first time, she’s actually asking.”
He gives a knowing smile. “You gotta watch out for that, Todd. Horses know where to take their advantage. You start feeding her every time she asks, she’s gonna start asking all the time.”
“Yeah, but–”
“You need to show her who’s boss. Tell her she’s had her feed today and that she’ll get some in the morning like she’s sposed to.”
He’s still smiling, his Noise is still friendly, but I’m finding my own self getting a bit annoyed. “Show me where it is and I’ll get some myself.”
He frowns a little. “Todd–”
“She needs it,” I say, my voice raising. “She’s recovering from a wound–”
“So am I.” He lifts up the hem of his shirt. There’s a burn all the way cross his belly. “And I only ate once today.”
And I can see what he’s saying and I can see how friendly he means to be by it but there’s Boy colt? running thru my Noise and I remember how she cried out when she was hit and then the silence that followed and the few words I’ve been able to get from her since but still barely nothing compared with how she used to be and if she wants to eat then I’m damned if I’m not gonna feed her and this annoying little pigpiss needs to get it for me cuz I am the Circle and the Circle is me–
“I’ll get it for you,” he says–
And he’s looking at me–
And he ain’t blinking–
And I can feel something twisting, some winding curling invisible cord in the air–
And it’s twixt my Noise and his Noise–
And there’s a little buzz–
“I’ll go get it right now,” he says, not blinking. “I’ll just bring it on over.”
And he turns and starts walking back to the foodstore.