“I’m sorry,” Regine interrupts, obviously trying to contain her confusion, “but I don’t see why that was the last straw.”
“What?” Tomasz says. “But the Good Man was not who Seth thought he was.”
“Look, I don’t mean to downplay it or anything but –”
“But Tomasz got murdered,” Seth says, “and you got shoved down the stairs. All I did was get my heart broken.”
“Do not underestimate the broken heart, though,” Tomasz says. “My heart was broken, waking up here, without my mama. Was very painful.”
“I’m not saying it didn’t hurt,” Regine says, “but it seems a little –”
“Extreme,” Seth says. He taps the coffin again, gathering his thoughts. “You know that feeling we talked about, that there had to be more? More life beyond the crappy ones we were living?”
“Yeah,” Regine says hesitantly.
“Well, I thought I had more. I thought Gudmund was my more. It didn’t matter how crap everything else was. The stuff with Owen, the stuff with my parents, even later with the stuff at school. I could live with all of that, because I had him. He was mine and no one else’s. We lived in this private world, that no one else knew about and no one else ever lived in. That was my more, do you see? That was the thing that made it all bearable.”
“But it wasn’t just yours,” Regine says, sounding like she’s understanding.
“I thought Gudmund being taken away was the worst thing that could ever happen to me,” Seth says, “but it wasn’t. The worst thing was finding out he was never really all mine in the first place. And so, for a moment, for a terrible, unbelievably shitty afternoon in a shitty little town on the shitty, freezing coast of Washington, I had nothing. There wasn’t anything more, and the one good thing that was mine wasn’t mine after all.”
He takes a thumb to wipe the tears from his face. He clears his throat, embarrassed.
“You miss him,” Tomasz says.
“More than I can say,” Seth says, his voice rough.
“But I can understand this,” Tomasz says to Regine. “Why it would feel so bad to lose someone so important. Why it would feel so bad you would want to walk into the ocean. Can you not?”
“I can understand pain,” she says. “Feeling so bad you want to get out. Believe me, I understand that. I’ve looked into the darkness. You aren’t the only one.”
“I never said I was,” Seth says.
“But the difference is that I think you never do it. Even if you’re tempted, even if you’re really close, because who knows? There might be more.”
“But –” Tomasz starts.
“No, she’s right,” Seth says. “There was more, even for me. More than I thought, more than I could see for myself. I mean, look at Owen. Even if that world was a lie, then part of that’s still true for my parents. Something terrible happened to their son. Why wouldn’t that affect them? And not even be about me?”
“But for your Good Man, though?” Tomasz asks. “Where is the more?”
“The more is in the things that made him so safe, that made him so good. They were exactly the same things that made him be with Monica, weren’t they?” He smiles sadly to himself. “Gudmund couldn’t stand to see people he cared about suffer. And he didn’t know how to stop their suffering, so he offered himself.”
“And you’re wondering if that’s all he did for you,” Regine says.
“That’s the big question, isn’t it?” Seth says. “And that was my big mistake. When I remember it, when I see it clearly, like what I just told you, I know that wasn’t true. H said so, Monica said so, and I couldn’t hear it. Gudmund loved me back.” He brushes his cheek again. “It was everywhere, in everything he said and did, every memory I’ve had of him since I’ve been here.”
“Which does not make it easier,” Tomasz says.
“Except it does, though, in a way. For one minute I stopped believing it and that was enough to make everything seem impossible, but it wasn’t impossible. And that isn’t even all. I mean, in those last days, my dad apologized to me, said he was sorry he hadn’t been there for me. Something I chose to forget because it didn’t fit in with how shit everything was. And even H on that very last morning.”
“He was offering you friendship,” Regine says.
Seth nods. “He was lonely. He missed me, missed his friends, and telling me about Monica was probably, for H, the biggest act of friendship he could have done.” Seth has to clear his throat again. “I wanted so badly for there to be more. I ached for there to be more than my crappy little life.” He shakes his head. “And there was more. I just couldn’t see it.”
Regine sits back. “And that’s why you’ve got more to tell us, isn’t it?
Seth doesn’t respond.
“Tell us what?” Tomasz says. No one still answers. “Tell us what?”
Regine never stops looking at Seth. “That’s why he’s about to tell us he’s going back.”
“He is WHAT?” Tomasz says, standing up.
Regine just keeps a challenging gaze on Seth.
“Is she right?” Tomasz demands. “Tell me she is not right.”
“Yeah, Seth,” Regine says, “tell Tommy I am not right.”
Seth sighs. “She’s right, but –”
“NO!” Tomasz shouts. “You want to go back? You want to leave us? Why?”
“I don’t want to leave you,” Seth says, firmly. “That’s kind of the whole point –”
“You want to go back, though!” Tomasz’s face crumples. “You always have. Since you arrived. One way or another, you have always wanted to leave us.” He makes a frown so sad, Seth can hardly bear to look at it. “I do not want you to leave us.”
“Tomasz,” Seth says, “when Regine went back, she remembered. She remembered who she was and how she got there.” He turns to Regine. “Didn’t you?”
She looks uncomfortable. “Vaguely, though. Not enough to change anything. Not enough to not make anything happen.”
“Are you sure?”
She opens her mouth to answer, but then stops. “I never even thought about that. I just knew what had to happen and that I had to do it.”