The pain and guilt poured out of me and I pressed my forehead against Andie’s. “I should have been there,” I whispered. I should have saved you. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I haven’t been here.”
A buzzing sound infiltrated the darkness and I jerked awake. I blinked a few times against the harsh lighting, the blur across my vision fading to reveal my unconscious sister in her hospital bed and Rick on the other side of it, opposite me.
“Your phone,” he said quietly.
I yawned and followed the buzzing sound—my phone vibrating on the bedside table. I tried to focus on the screen. “It’s Jake,” I whispered.
“Yeah, he’s called a few times. You should call him back.”
I frowned at Rick. “How long have I been out?”
He shrugged. “You were out when I got here. That was a few hours ago.” His brows drew together in concern. “Charley, you should go back to our place with your parents. Get some sleep.”
I was never going to get any real sleep until Andie woke up.
Seven days.
Seven long days she’s laid in that bed, breathing through a ventilator.
“Charley.”
I looked up from my sister’s face to Rick’s haggard one.
“Go get some sleep.”
“I just slept.” I shook my head.
“Then call Jake back.”
Wondering if perhaps Rick really just wanted some time alone with my sister, I nodded and grabbed my phone. “Do you want a Starbucks?” I noted his cheekbones looked a little sharper. I wasn’t the only one losing weight. “Something to eat?”
“A coffee and a sandwich would be great.” He eyed me. “Get yourself something to eat too, before you fade away to nothing.”
I reluctantly agreed and strode out of my sister’s hospital room. For a little while, I found myself wandering aimlessly as I clutched my phone. After the first long few days following Andie’s accident, when she showed no signs of waking up, somehow I managed to convince Claudia and Jake to return to Edinburgh to finish up their exams. It was difficult to bring them around, but since Jake didn’t want to cause trouble by appearing at the hospital, there wasn’t a whole heck of a lot he could do. And Claudia… well, I just… my focus was on Andie and I wasn’t able to give any other part of myself to anyone, which included reassurances to Claud that I was okay.
I was far from okay, and I needed to be that way. I didn’t want to spend half my time lying to people about how I was coping when in all honesty, I was barely hanging on, but barely coping on my own was easier because I could do that without the pressure from other people to do better than barely hang on.
Once a day Claudia would FaceTime to check in. That was beyond harrowing—to have to keep using the phrase, “There’s no change.”
With Jake, though, it was even harder.
My insides churned with guilt that Andie was lying in a hospital bed and I hadn’t spoken to her in months. The thought… the thought that she might die, that I might never have a chance to say another word to her after having spent the last few months choosing Jake over her and avoiding her…
I leaned against the nearest wall to catch my breath.
This was my fault. Andie’s accident. I knew that deep in my bones. Although there was some part of me that knew it wasn’t rational, I worried that somehow I’d interrupted fate all those years ago when I’d knocked Andie out of the way of Mr. Finnegan’s SUV. Was this fate’s way of punishing me?
I didn’t know if that was true or not.
What I did know was that I was definitely being punished for treating her so badly.
And the reason for my falling-out with her… well, it was Jake. I couldn’t get that out of my head.
Looking down at my phone, I fought the urge to smash it underfoot. I had to call Jake back or he would only keep trying.
After making my way outside, I found a quiet spot.
His face appeared on my phone screen and I felt a painful grip in my chest. Just looking at him made me feel a horrible mix of relief and shame.
“Baby,” he said in greeting, his dark eyes filled with concern and love. “How’s it going?”
I shook my head, looking away from the screen for a moment. “Same.”
“She’ll come out of this, Charley. Andie’s strong. She’s a Redford.”
Biting my lip to stem the tears, I shrugged loosely. “We’ll see.”
“You’ve got to stay positive.”
“I know.”
“Charley? Charley, look at me.”
I did as he asked, turning my head back to the screen.
His expression was tender. “I can come back. If you need me, I can come home.”
“No,” I said adamantly, my pulse racing just at the thought. “You have to finish up there. I… I’m better on my own,” I said honestly. “I feel like I don’t have to worry so much about worrying everyone else when I’m on my own.”
“I get it,” he said and I knew that he did. “You’re not completely alone, though, right? Your mom and dad and Rick are there.”
“Yeah, but… I guess we’re all dealing with it differently.” I didn’t even want to think about how much this had broken my parents. My parents had always been larger-than-life characters who could deal with anything life threw their way. But this… they seemed older, more fragile, and every time they looked upon Andie in that hospital bed, I could see another crack form in the armor they’d worn their whole lives.
That scared me just as much as the sight of my sister in a coma.
“I better get back,” I whispered, my throat constricting.
“Okay, baby,” he said softly. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I hung up and stuffed the phone in my pocket.
Okay, baby. I love you.
I love you too.
But I hate you too. I hate me too.
Trembling, I sucked in a huge gulp of air and tried to calm myself. After a minute or so, I felt a little more together and walked back into the hospital.
I’d barely left my sister’s side. The only time I did leave the hospital was to go back to Rick and Andie’s for a shower. My parents tried to get some sleep there, but I just couldn’t sit in that house. It was filled with Andie. Her pictures, her perfume, her things, her work, her clothes, and the funny refrigerator magnets she collected.
I’d gone into the kitchen to get some orange juice and I’d stopped at the sight of the magnets. In the middle was the black and white one I’d found during my sophomore year at Purdue. When we were younger, my sister was obsessed with pirates. I’d never forgotten the many times I found myself sitting on a sofa cushion in the middle of my parents’ living room floor with my hands bound behind my back while my sister stood triumphant on the arm of the sofa, a patch over her eye. With that, she’d command her invisible crew to haul anchor and her ship (the sofa) would sail off, leaving me to die on deserted island (the cushion) for betraying her to the navy.