“I’ll call the guys,” Beck said, ducking out of the room.
“You’ll all be careful outside of the city?” my mom asked, worry creasing her forehead.
Claudia nodded. “Of course, Delia Mom. We can get a train from Edinburgh straight there and we’ll get a taxi to the lodge. And we’ve got all the guys with us. We’ll be fine.”
Oh, yeah. We’d be freaking awesome.
I pretended to bury my nose in the site images so I didn’t have to fake a smile both Claud and my mom would see right through.
Five minutes later Beck walked back into the room smiling. “Most of the guys are up for it. Denver is emailing Rowena to see if she wants to come with us but Jake said he’s not sure.”
Yes! There is a God!
Trying to hide my grin, and suddenly feeling very excited about our trip north, I shrugged casually. “That’s cool. We’ll still have fun without him.”
I deliberately ignored Beck’s burning gaze, sensing he was desperate to ask what my problem was. Thankfully Mom was there, so he didn’t get his chance.
Beck returned home that night and Claudia successfully avoided talking about his sudden white-knight appearance for about two days, just as I successfully avoided talking about Jake.
We were lounging around the sitting room watching a Disney Pixar movie when my cell rang. It was on the floor near Claud and she lifted it absentmindedly to me. “It’s Jake.”
Feeling that unwelcome churn in my gut, I took it from her and hit the disconnect button.
Claudia glanced up at me over her shoulder. “You didn’t answer? Again?”
I pinched my lips together and threw the phone beside me on the couch.
In response, she paused the movie and turned around. “You’re ignoring him? Since when?”
“Since I got home. I didn’t want to say anything because you’re going through something serious. My drama with Jake and Melissa doesn’t even matter.”
“Of course it matters,” she scowled at me. “And remember … there is no longer a Jake and Melissa and I think we can all guess why. Don’t you want to find out for sure?”
“I’m not ready to. I can’t be his friend and I’m not sure I can be anything else. So … for now, I’m happy with avoidance,” I replied softly.
Claudia’s eyes melted with concern. “You’re a mess.”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“So … you’re just ignoring him? You’re not even going to talk to him about it?”
I shook my head. “What’s the point? I don’t want to have this big heart-to-heart with him. Look, I know I miss him, I know I still want him, I know that he can make me feel on top of the world and seconds later like shit. But I also know I don’t trust him with my feelings. You’re right. It’s a mess.” I closed my eyes. “Honestly, I think the best thing to do is walk away. Move on. A clean break.” I shrugged. “And you know it might sound petty, but he left me last time with a crappy explanation and no closure. I don’t owe him a chat. I don’t owe him anything.”
The expression in Claudia’s eyes suggested she disagreed but she kept her mouth shut and just nodded.
“What about you and Beck?” I arched an eyebrow, trying to turn the spotlight off me. “He rushed all the way to Indiana to make sure you were okay. He took you for a walk and when you came back, you seemed better. A lot better. Not even I lifted your spirits the way he did.”
As soon as her eyes dimmed, I kicked myself for bringing it up. “I’m just as confused as you are. We walked and he … he just gets it, you know. His mom or whatever. My parents are never going to give me what I need emotionally, but Beck suggested I needed to tell them how much they hurt me, even if it didn’t penetrate. He said I needed that closure. And he was right. They didn’t say they were sorry or that they loved me, but they came as close to an apology as I’ll ever get out of them—upping my credit card limit and sending me on vacation.”
“Beck really cares about you.”
“I know,” she nodded, her eyebrows drawn together. “As much as he can care about me. I’ve accepted that. It took me a while, believe me. I kept fantasizing about it changing because of our attraction, but Beck is too messed up emotionally to go there. Maybe in ten years when he’s grown up a bit, but not now. You know, though, I’d rather have him as a friend than not have him at all.”
“Claud, what’s happening between me and Jake isn’t the same. He’s my first love and all that stuff is mixed together with a pretty ugly history. There’s too much regret and hurt.”
“I’m sorry, Charley,” she whispered. “I’m sorry you can’t see what the rest of us see.”
“And what’s that?”
“That no matter what happened in the past … you guys are still meant to be together.”
“Don’t—”
“We all see it,” she cut me off. “When you guys are together, it’s like the whole world goes away. And … Beck knows Jake better than anyone. He says he’s never seen him as happy as he’s been these last few months.”
I felt that pressure on my chest again and breathed hard through it. “Claudia, I know you think you’re helping but you’re not. Please … stop. Okay?”
“Okay, okay. I’ll shut up.” She sighed and turned around. “I just don’t think you should give up on him just yet.”
Saying goodbye to my parents for another four months didn’t feel great, but I managed to hold in the tears. Claudia, on the other hand, was a mess. Mom and Dad had done such a good job of trying to make up for her parents’ lack of affection that Claudia had bubbled and clung to Mom for a good five minutes at the airport, before I managed to pry her off.
When Claud had suggested I change my flight to the only flight she’d managed to get out of Chicago, rather than taking the same flight back as Jake and the guys, I’d jumped all over that. Avoiding Jake was almost turning into a game.
He’d called me three more times and left a voicemail the last time. I didn’t listen to it.
I also deleted his messages on Facebook without reading them.
Returning to Edinburgh would prove the ultimate test, of course. It was going to be much more difficult to avoid Jake when he lived a two-minute walk from our apartment.
Milking her parents’ guilt money for all she could, Claudia upgraded our flights to first class, so I enjoyed the luxury and tried to ignore the dilemma waiting for me when I arrived in Edinburgh. Technically, it wouldn’t be a dilemma until I got back from Fort William. A day after we landed, we were catching a train to Fort William for our minivacation.