His head was down, so I couldn’t see his face. When he looked up at me, the hurt in his eyes was more than I could stand. When I started to walk toward him, he jumped up and held out his hand.
“What. Did. You. Do. With. Him?”
“Does it matter?”
He turned and knocked over the lamp on the end table. It crashed to the floor, causing me to jump back and scream.
“Yes! Yes, it fucking matters. You’re the one who brought it up, for Christ’s sake. I just made love to you all night long. Were you thinking of him while we fucked, Jessie?”
I started crying so hard that I could hardly talk. I began shaking my head frantically back and forth. “Scott…I love you…I only want to be with you.”
He walked up to me and grabbed me by the shoulders. “Tell me what happened, Jessie. Tell me!” he screamed.
“Um…he took off my clothes, and…and he touched me.”
His eyes filled with anger, and I felt my whole body shaking.
“Where? How?”
I closed my eyes and tried to erase the memory. “He…he kissed on my nipples…while he…while he…oh, Scott, please…I made him stop, and I felt so guilty afterward…even though I thought you had cheated on me. I made him stop!” I shouted out.
“Did he finger-fuck you, Jess? Did you come?”
I couldn’t move. I tried to open my mouth, but nothing would come out.
“Jessie!”
“Yes! Yes…he touched me with his fingers, but no…I didn’t come. I made him stop almost as soon as he’d started because I couldn’t do that to you. I love you, Scott. I love you so much, even when I thought you had hurt me. I still loved you too much to do that.”
Scott looked down at his hands holding on to my shoulders, and he quickly let go. He started to back up slowly. “He touched you while you were pregnant…with my child, Jessie. You let him suck on your nipples…while you were pregnant with my child.” He started to shake his head, and then he looked at me with disgust on his face.
“I didn’t know I was pregnant at the time! I would have never let me touch him if I had known, I swear on my life!” I cried hysterically.
Scott reached into his bag and grabbed a pair of jeans and then a T-shirt.
“Where…where are you going?” I asked in a panicked voice.
“I need to go for a walk. I need to clear my head.”
I started panicking even more. He’s going to leave me. “No…please don’t leave me. You have to believe me when I say that it meant nothing. I swear to God, it meant nothing. I just want to be with you.”
Scott turned and looked at me. “It all makes sense now—the way you were looking at him when I walked up, what you wrote to your dad on the postcard. It all makes sense.”
Wait…what is he saying? “No…” I whispered.
“Have you seen him since you told me you’re pregnant?”
“Yes. He was waiting for me at my cabana to make sure I was alright.”
“Did he ask you to stay with him?”
I shook my head. “He knows I love you and only you!”
“Oh yeah? Sure doesn’t seem like he cares if he’s fucking you with his fingers and sucking on your nipples, now does it?”
I felt like I was going to throw up. “Scott…we were both lost and hurting. I would have never…I didn’t…I stopped him. All I could think about was you and how wrong it felt, even when I thought you had cheated on me. Please, Scott. You have to know that I wish to God it had never happened.” I sucked in a breath of air as I sobbed. I tried to keep talking. “If I just hadn’t run away, none of this would have happened.”
The look in his eyes turned from anger to hurt. “You never even called…you just left. You left me to wonder where in the fuck you were and whom you were with. I was slowly dying with each day that passed.”
I sat down on the bed and put my head in my hands. “I’m so sorry! I’m so, so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I would never hurt you.”
I looked up and saw tears rolling down his face. I did hurt him though. I did the one thing I thought he was going to do to me.
He shook his head and walked past me. When he opened the sliding glass door, I jumped up and grabbed his arm.
“Wait! Where are you going, Scott? Please don’t walk away. Please don’t leave me.”
He slowly looked up at me, and the sadness in his eyes gutted me.
“I need to be alone for a while. I need to think, Jessica.”
I threw my hand up to my mouth and tried to keep the sick feeling I had down. “Let me come with you…please,” I begged.
“No. I just need some time to clear my head. I can’t even really think right now. Every time I look at you, I think of him touching the one thing that I value the most in this world. I think of you, pregnant, with him…” He stopped talking as he turned and walked out the sliding glass door.
I stood there, watching him head toward the beach. I quickly turned and ran into the bathroom where I began throwing up.
Scott had been gone for over thirty minutes. I walked into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. I found it stocked with bottled waters and every kind of beer I could think of. I grabbed a bottle of water and made my way out to the deck that was off of the main living room. The view was amazing. I looked up and down the beach, but I saw no signs of Scott. I quickly wiped away the tear I felt, and I tried my best to keep from crying.
I was starting to get cold, so I walked back in and grabbed a blanket. I headed back outside. I was so tired, and I fought to keep my eyes open. I was hungry also.
I placed my hand on my stomach, and for the first time, I talked to my child. “Daddy is upset with Mommy, and he has every right to be. I really screwed up…but I thought your daddy screwed up first.” I made a face and shook my head. “Not that it really matters who screwed up first. I love Daddy, and I know Daddy loves me and you, pumpkin. Mommy just needs to make him understand that I love him so much, and I would never, ever hurt him. Without your daddy, I’d be…I’d be…” I began crying again.
Jesus Christ. What is with me and all the crying?
“I’m so tired, pumpkin, so very tired.”
I leaned my head back and decided I was just going to rest my eyes for one minute. I didn’t want to miss Scott when he came back.
As I slipped deeper and deeper into sleep, I began dreaming.