My heart slammed in my chest. What I wouldn’t give to have Lily be Maddie’s baby. Our baby. As I walked by, I stopped next to her. We locked eyes, and I knew she felt the same way.
MY MOTHER AND Maddie chatted for a bit after I introduced them. Maddie smiled that sweet smile of hers and I could tell that my mother loved her immediately. It had nothing to do with who Maddie’s father was.
“Are you sure?” My mother asked Maddie.
Nodding, Maddie smiled. “Yes. Go home and rest. Cale and I will be fine. I’ve taken care of plenty of babies. I promise I know what I’m doing.”
My mother’s shoulders relaxed. “Oh Maddie. Thank you, honey.” It was then that I saw how tired my mother looked. I took her into my arms.
“Thank you, Mom. I’m so sorry I abandoned you with the baby.” I pulled back and tried to smile. “I love you, Mom.”
She sucked in her bottom lip and wiped away a tear. “I’m sorry, Cale. For everything.” She turned to Maddie and grabbed her purse. “Now, if you need anything, call me. I’ll write my cell number in the kitchen in case Cale falls asleep and you need something darling.” My mother kissed Maddie on the cheek as she smiled. “Okay. Thank you, Maddie.”
We watched as my mother walked down the stairs. The front door shut and I met Maddie’s gaze. She gave me a weak smile. “Are you ready to see your daughter?” she asked.
I swallowed hard and nodded. Maddie turned and opened the door to the nursery. It wasn’t even decorated. I kept asking Zoey when she wanted to decorate, and she kept putting it off. She said she wanted to wait and meet the baby first. I wasn’t sure now if she just didn’t care, or if she’d somehow figured out that she wasn’t going to make it. If maybe she thought the baby wouldn’t, either.
I took a deep breath and held it in. Maddie reached for my hand and the shock I felt caused me to let out my breath.
We entered the nursery. I took in the bare walls. There was a rocking chair in the corner and a crib against the wall. Jack had gone out and purchased the crib and chair yesterday before my parents brought Lily home. That’s when it hit me. Zoey had done nothing to prepare for the baby. It was all a blur. I remembered Monica and my mother making a list of all the things they needed:
“Cale? Did Zoey not even have a baby shower?”
“No. She didn’t want one.”
She knew. Zoey knew she wasn’t going to make it. But she was wrong about one thing. Our daughter was much stronger than Zoey gave her credit for. I looked over to Maddie when I heard her let out a sob.
“Oh my God,” she whispered.
I stopped walking. I was frozen. The guilt began to set in and I wanted to run. Maddie reached into the crib and picked up my daughter.
Maddie brought the baby up to her face and smelled her head, then kissed her. I felt tears burning my eyes as I watched Maddie hold my daughter. This should be her child. This should be our daughter. Our moment.
She turned and looked at me. “Cale, come meet your daughter, Lily. She needs her daddy.”
I took a slow first step. My feet felt like lead. It took all my energy to walk the five more steps I needed to walk to get to my child. When I finally looked down at Lily, I couldn’t believe what I saw. She was gazing into Maddie’s eyes.
Maddie was talking to Lily. When she looked over at me and smiled, a tear rolled down her face. I couldn’t help but wonder what Maddie was thinking, whether she was thinking and dreaming the same thing I was.
She held the baby out for me and whispered, “Lily Rose, meet your daddy.”
I took Lily in my arms and, when our eyes met, something in me changed. It was as if everything I’d done wrong in the last three days was wiped away. I was starting with a clean slate.
My daughter looked into my eyes as if she was trying to tell me how much she needed me. I smiled as I took in her breathtaking face. “I’ve never seen anyone so beautiful in my life,” I said.
Maddie laughed, and then hiccupped. I glanced up at her and she crinkled her nose. “Sorry,” she said. “That happens when I’m trying not to cry and then laugh. It’s like the laugh and cry come out at the same time as a hiccup.”
I walked around the room holding Lily. I had no idea how I was going to make this work on my own. I was scared shitless but, somehow, in this moment, I wasn’t worried. I’d figure it all out sooner or later. Right now, I wanted to enjoy this moment with my daughter. I walked out onto the balcony and showed Lily the lake.
“This is where you are going to grow up, Lily,” I said. “I’m going to teach you everything I know. How to swim, ski, and fish. You’ll be a better fishermen than daddy.”
I felt Maddie come up next to me. I turned and she smiled at me before looking down to Lily and touching the side of her face. My heart pounded. I wanted this forever. Just the three of us, forever.
Glancing back down, I smiled at my baby girl. “I’m going to show you the world, Lily. You and me, together.”
I TRIED TO focus on the report I held in my hand, but all I could hear was Cale talking to Lily on the balcony. Cale sharing his dreams with his daughter had pulled hard on my heartstrings, and I wanted more than anything to stand next to him and be a part of it.
I tossed my pen down and sighed in frustration. Cale was sitting on the back deck holding Lily as she slept. He’d hardly put her down all day.
“He’s spoiling her,” Monica said as she set a glass of wine down in front of me.
I picked up the glass and took a sip. “No, he isn’t. He’s bonding with her.”
“Uh huh. What was your excuse last night?”
“What?”
She grinned. “Yeah, I got up to pee last night and I heard you humming as you rocked Lily for God knows how long last night.”
I looked away quickly to hide my red cheeks. I’d packed a small bag that first day, but I’d been staying with Cale for almost a week. Andre wasn’t so thrilled with my decision, but I didn’t care. Every night I snuck into Lily’s room and held her for at least two hours before she woke up for her feeding. Then I’d feed her and hold her for another hour before slipping her back into her crib and sneaking back to the guest room. I was pretty sure Cale knew, despite my attempts at being stealth.
Cale and I had hardly spoken to each other. Other than helping each other give Lily a bath together, we pretty much just took turns with her. I lay in bed almost every night and fought to hold back my tears. I longed for something more with Cale and Lily. But I felt so guilty for the things that were running through my mind. I closed my eyes and pictured us walking along a path, each holding one of Lily’s hands as she begged us to swing her again.