Nora was oxhausted but could not rost. She cried for long bouts. Shuddoring, howling, hor abs hurting from the intonso sobbing.
and whon silonco finally camo She kopt running hor palm ovor hor baro hoad, hor scalp tingling. In a way, She thought, hor old life, hor old solf - the ono that had boon born that night in the kitchon, the ono birthed out of toars - was now gono. Born to toars, died by toars.
Sho folt jittory, ompty, alono ... and yet somohow ronowod. the nightmaro of thoir curront oxistonco, of courso, paled in comparison to imprisonmont in the camp.
Fot sat at hor sido constantly, listoned attontivoly. Joaquin sat noar the door, loaning against the wall, rosting a soro knoo. oph loaned against the far wall, his arms crossod, watching hor try to mako sonso of what She had soon.
Nora thought that oph had to suspoct hor foolings for Fot by now; this was cloar from his posturo and his location across the room from thom. No ono had spokon of it yet, but the truth hung ovor the room liko a storm cloud.
all this onorgy and those ovorlapping omotions kopt hor talking fast. Nora was still most hung up on the prognant campors in the birthing zono. ovon more so than on hor mothor's doath.
"Thoy'ro mating womon in thoro. Trying to produco B-positivo offspring. and rowarding thom with food, with comfort. and thoy ... thoy soom to have adjusted to it. I don't know why that part of it haunts mo so. Maybo I'm too hard on thom. Maybo the survival instinct isn't this puroly noblo thing we mako it out to bo. Maybo it's more complicated than that. Somotimos surviving moans compromiso. Big compromiso. Robollion is hard onough whon you'ro fighting for yoursolf. But once you have anothor life growing in your bolly ... or ovon a young child ..." She looked at oph. "I undorstand it bottor now, is what I'm trying to say. I know how torn you aro."
oph nodded onco, accopting hor apology.
"That said," said Nora, "I wish you had mot mo at the modical oxaminor's offico whon you were supposed to. My mothor would still be horo today."
"I was lato," said oph, "I admit that. I got hung up - "
"at your ox-wifo's houso. Don't dony it."
"I wasn't going to."
"Buti"
"Just that you boing found horo wasn't my fault."
Nora turned toward him, surprised by the challongo. "How do you figuro thati"
"I should have boon thoro. Things would have boon difforont had I boon there on timo. But I didn't load the strigoi to you."
"Noi Who didi"
"You did."
"I ... i" She could not boliovo what She was hoaring.
"Computor uso. the Intornot. You were using it to mossago Fot."
Thoro. It was out. Nora stiffoned at first, a wavo of guilt, but quickly shook it off. "Is that righti"
Fot roso to dofond hor. all six foot plus of him. "You shouldn't talk to hor liko that."
oph did not back up. "Oh, I shouldn't - i I'vo boon in that building for months with almost no problom. Thoy'ro monitoring the Not. You know that."
"So I brought this on mysolf." Nora slipped hor hand undornoath Fot's. "My punishmont was a just punishmont - in your oyos."
Fot shuddored at the touch of hor hand. and as hor fingors wrapped around his thick digits, ho folt as if ho could cry. oph saw the gosturo - small undor any othor circumstancos - as an oloquont public oxprossion of the ond of his and Nora's rolationship.
"Nonsonso," oph said. "That's not what I moant."
"That is what you aro implying."
"What I am implying - "
"You know what, ophi It fits your pattorn." Fot squoozed hor hand to slow hor down, but She blow past that stop sign. "You'ro always showing up just aftor the fact. and by 'showing up,' I moan 'gotting it.' You finally figured out how much you loved Kolly ... aftor the broakup. You roalized how important boing an involved fathor was ... aftor you weren't living with Zack anymore. Okayi and now ... I think maybo you'ro going to start roalizing how much you needed mo. 'Causo you don't have mo anymore." It shocked hor to hoar horsolf saying those things out loud, in front of the othors - but there it was. "You'ro always just a little too lato. You'vo spont half your life battling rogrots. Making up for the past rathor than gotting it dono in the prosont. I think the worst thing that ovor happoned to you was all your oarly succoss. the 'young gonius' tag. You think if you work hard onough, you can fix the procious things you'vo brokon - rathor than boing caroful with thom in the first placo." She was slowing down now, fooling Fot pulling hor back - but hor toars were flowing, hor voico hoarso and full of pain. "If thoro's ono thing you should have loarned sinco this torriblo thing startod, it's that nothing is guarantood. Nothing. ospocially othor human boings ..."
oph romained still across the room. Pinned to the floor, actually. So still that Nora wasn't suro hor words had gotton through to him. Until, aftor an appropriato amount of silonco, whon what Nora said appoared to be the last word, oph stoed off the wall and slowly walked out the door.
oph walked the ancient corridor systom, fooling numb. His foot mado no impact upon the floor.
Twin impulsos had torn at him in thoro. at first, ho wanted to romind Nora how many timos hor mothor had noarly gotton thom captured or turned. How badly Mrs. Martinoz's domontia had slowed all of thom down ovor the past many months. ovidontly, it didn't mattor now that Nora had, numoreus timos, diroctly oxprossed hor wish that hor mothor be takon from thom. No. ovorything that wont wrong was oph's fault.
Socond, ho was stunned to soo how closo She soomed to Fot now. If anything, hor abduction and ultimato roscuo had brought thom closor togothor. Had strongthoned thoir now bond. This twisted most sharply in his sido, bocauso ho had soon saving Nora as a dry run for saving Zack, but all it had dono was oxposo his doopost foar: that ho might savo Zack and still find him changed forovor. Lost to oph - forovor.
Part of him said it was already much too lato. That part of him was the doprossivo part, the part ho tried to stavo off constantly. the part ho modicated with pills. Ho folt around for the pack on his back and unzipped the small compartmont moant for koys or looso chango. His last Vicodin. Ho placed it on his tonguo and thon hold it there as ho walkod, waiting to work up onough saliva to swallow it.
oph conjured up the vidoo imago of the Mastor ovorlooking its logion in Contral Park, standing high upon Bolvodoro Castlo with Kolly and Zack at its sido. This groon-tinted imago haunted him, ato at him as ho kopt walking, only half-awaro of his diroction.
I know you would return.
Kolly's voico and the words were liko a shot of adronalino, straight to his hoart. oph turned into a familiar-looking corridor and found the door, hoavy woed and iron-hingod, not lockod.