It’s odd that Realm has that effect on him, but then again, maybe they’ve gotten into it before. Realm did seem pretty pissed when I mentioned the handler drugging me. I decide then that Realm is someone I should stay close to for a while. At least until I figure out how to navigate The Program on my own.
• • •
“You made it,” Realm calls the minute I stop at their makeshift card table. The other guys stare up at me with eager eyes, but I pretend not to notice. Realm pushes the kid nearest to him over and grabs a chair for me, sliding it in its place.
“I was sitting there,” the other guy says.
“And now you’re not.” Realm collects all the cards, even though it seemed as if they were mid-hand. He starts reshuffling them. I sit next to him, feeling the stares of everyone at the table on me.
“You let her join and not me?” A girl’s voice cuts through the air. A redhead stands across from me, pointing her finger in my direction. “I thought you said no new members, Realm?”
He tilts his head like he’s trying to apologize, but I hear the guy next to me suppress a laugh. “My darling Tabitha,” Realm begins, “I’ve told you that we are very exclusive. But I promise, if Sloane drops out, you can have her spot.”
She shoots me a vicious glare. “Oh, I—” I start to say as I stand, but Realm catches my thigh and eases me back down. When I look at Tabitha again, her eyes are angry.
“Whatever. You’re a bunch of losers anyway.”
“Nice chatting with you, Tabby,” one of the guys at the table calls out as she walks away.
“Don’t mind her,” Realm says as he deals the hand. “She’s always bitchy, and no, she’s not going to do something horrible to you later. She’s going to forget. She always forgets, which is why we don’t let her play. She can never remember the rules.”
Something about the coldness of this statement hits me, and I’m ready to run away. Realm must notice because he looks at me. “It’s a side effect of her suicide attempt. She took QuikDeath and, even though they revived her, she has some brain damage. She’s getting better, though, which is why she remembered me saying she can’t play. But twenty bucks says she’s back here tomorrow asking why you can play and she can’t.”
“Enough whispering,” the guy next to me says. “Deal the cards.”
Realm smiles at him, and then grabs a pretzel and balances it between his lips. “Boys, this is Sloane. Hands off.”
They all laugh, shooting odd looks at Realm, and I wonder if I’ve somehow been claimed. But then Realm introduces me to Derek and Shep. They seem all right—although Shep’s BO is a little strong next to me. He’s fifteen, and Derek is seventeen. They’ve all been here close to three weeks, hoping to get out in six. From what I can tell they look pretty balanced, other than the fact that Shep is scratching absently at his thigh to the point where I think he’s going to draw blood from underneath his scrubs.
Realm offers me a pretzel, but I shake my head. “So what’s the game?” I ask as they pick up their cards. Realm smiles, not looking at me.
“What else? Bullshit.”
They all start laughing, and I remember the game from junior high. James, Brady, and I would sit around my kitchen table and play when my parents were out. Sometimes Lacey would come by and join us.
James used to be the master at this game. He knew just how to act and would trick us all into calling bullshit, only to prove he was telling the truth. Thinking about that now, my cards shake in my hand.
“You know how to play?” Realm asks.
I nod but can’t answer.
“Bullshit, Sloane!” James would yell out, slapping his hand on the table. “You are the worst liar ever!” He and Brady would laugh hysterically, and I wouldn’t even bother flipping over my cards. I would just pick up the deck. It got to the point where I wouldn’t try to lie because James would always bust me. Every time.
“Your turn,” Realm says, nudging my elbow.
I glance at my hand and see that I’m supposed to come up with a ten. I have the ten of clubs, but I pull out a two of diamonds and set it down. “One ten,” I say.
There’s only the briefest moment of silence before Shep moves next to me. “One jack,” he says. Derek goes after him and the game continues, but I stare at my ten.
There’s no one to call me on my bullshit anymore.
CHAPTER FIVE
IT’S MONDAY MORNING, A WEEK AND A HALF INTO The Program, and Dr. Warren is sitting behind her desk, smiling kindly. Before the appointment I tried to eat as much food as possible, hoping it would weaken the effect of the drugs. But my body has already begun to feel heavy, making me sag into the chair.
“Did you and James have a physical relationship?” the doctor asks.
I laugh. “They don’t have sports at my school.”
“That’s not what I mean, Sloane.”
Obviously I know what she meant, but it isn’t any of her business. I don’t trust Dr. Warren. “What’s in the pills?” I ask.
She sighs. “We go over this every time. And the answer is always the same. They’re just something to relax you.”
I shake my head slowly. “No,” I say. “It’s more than that. It makes me talk to you, even if I don’t want to.”
Dr. Warren watches me for a long moment, her eyes scanning me as if weighing out her answer. “Let’s get back to James,” she says. “Isn’t that what you really want to talk about?”
I wince at his name, reminded again of how much I miss him. The room is becoming transparent, my memories clearer than the world around me. I’d do anything to get back to him. “Yes,” I say, giving up on my question. “James and I had a physical relationship. He’s the physical type.”
“I can gather that much.”
I don’t like the way she says it, as if without James I’d still be a virgin and at home with my parents right now, baking cookies. “I’m the one who wanted him, if you must know. He would have been fine with waiting”—I pause at this—“well, he would have been fine with waiting a little longer at least.”
“Were you careful?”
I curl my lip. “Yes, Mom. We always used a condom because we would never want to bring a kid into this messed-up world.”
“Condoms aren’t always—”
“Look,” I say, “I know the statistics, but I hardly have to worry about it now, do I?” My voice takes on a hard edge, and Dr. Warren glances away. I’m angry at the way she’s portraying James, and I want to set her straight. I want to tell her that she could only dream of having someone like him in her life.