I nod.
I feel heavy, groggy, slow.
“What’s wrong with me?” I ask slowly.
“They gave you something to calm you down,” my father says hesitantly. His eyes are on my face, like he’s worried I’m going to fly off the handle. Did I before?
“Where’s Finn?”
My father looks away. “He can’t be in here, honey.”
“Why?”
My father sighs, and looks back to me. “You know why, Calla.”
I close my eyes. Because Finn knows I’m allergic to nuts. He knew and he gave them to me anyway.
Is that his version of saving me? Saving me from what? Sadness? Was his plan to kill me, then himself?
Pain ripples through me, slow, then hard, then unbearably, like a wave.
“I need to see him,” I say, the words cutting my lungs.
“No.” My father’s voice is firm.
I curl up on my side, looking away, out at the clouds having over the parking lot.
“Where is he?” I ask without looking at my father. He doesn’t answer, which sends chills down my spine.
“It’s my fault,” I tell him, turning over so that I’m looking him in the eye now. “It’s not Finn’s fault. It’s mine. I read his journal, I knew he was slipping and I should’ve told you, but I didn’t. He wants to save me from pain, dad. He wasn’t trying to hurt me. It’s not his fault, it’s mine.”
My voice takes on a jagged, desperate edge and my dad rubs my arm. “Calm down, sweetie. Everything’s going to be ok.”
“It’s not,” I insist, my voice shrill. “Don’t punish Finn. Don’t put him in the hospital, dad. It’s my fault. Not his. Not his.”
I’m practically screaming now, writhing in the bed trying to get up, but my dad holds me down, pleading with me. Before I know it, nurses have come in, two of them, one for each side. One injects something into my IV and then all of my agitation slips away. My anger is gone, my frustration non-existent.
“Please call Dare,” I whisper. “Please.”
And then everything is black.
38
TRIGENTA OCTO
Finn
“Let me go!” I shout, squirming to get away from the nurses. “I didn’t hurt her. I didn’t! I just had to help her. Don’t you see?”
No one can see and no one cares. They just wrap my wrists with elastic bands and fasten them to the bedframe.
I whimper into the pillow before I bite it. I’d never hurt Calla.
Never.
I’m doing all of this for her.
“Let me go,” I plead them. “I can’t leave her by herself. Please. I’ll be good. I’ll be good!”
But they ignore me and when I look up, I see my father’s face pressed against the glass.
I call out to him, but he doesn’t answer. In fact, his face slips away and doesn’t come back.
“Come back,” I whisper.
But he doesn’t.
My tears are hot, as I think about my sister, huddled somewhere in this hospital, alone and scared and thinking that I tried to kill her.
I would never. Would I?
YouDidYouDidYouDid. Don’tYouRemember? The voices are laughing at me, hissing and shrieking. YouDidYouDid.
I didn’t.
I couldn’t.
But my hands are handcuffed to this bed and there is no arguing that.
I fed her the nuts. There’s no denying that, either.
I close my eyes against the chanting in my head, trying to block them out. SisterKillerSisterKillerSisterKiller. You’reaMonster. Monster. WeControlYou WeControlYou.
Monster.
39
TRIGENTA NOVEM
Calla
When I open my eyes, I immediately focus on Dare sitting next to me.
He’s sprawled in the recliner, his eyes closed, his hands gripping the armrests. He’s long and slender and lithe. He’s beautiful and dark and here.
He’s here.
I take a deep breath and blink to make sure I wasn’t imagining it.
He’s still there.
“Dare,” my whisper is throaty and raw. I figure he won’t hear me, but he does. His eyes fly open and meet mine.
And then he’s out of his chair and on his knees next my bed, his forehead pressed to mine.
“Cal,” he says, his lips brushing my skin. “Thank God.”
“How are you here?” I ask in confusion. “Did my dad…”
Dare nods. “You asked him to call me, and he did.”
Bless him. A surge of gratitude rushes through me. “Where is he? Is he with Finn?”
“I don’t know,” Dare answers. “I told him I would sit with you until he came back, though.”
I close my eyes and inhale him, his musky outdoorsy smell. “Don’t leave me,” I tell him. “Please. You promised once, remember?”
He nods. “I do. And I won’t. Don’t tell me to again.”
I nod. I won’t.
He strokes my hand, his fingers smooth. “What do you remember, Cal?”
“Finn made me a plate,” I tell him. “I took three bites and then realized that there were nuts. Pecans.”
Dare closes his eyes. “You’re lucky to be here,” he tells me without opening them. “Your dad said even one nut could kill you. You barely made it to the ER.”
“But I did,” I remind him. “I’m here now. Please don’t let them keep Finn. He didn’t mean to hurt me. I know he didn’t. He would never….”
But Dare sits up and rocks back on his heels. “I don’t know what they’re going to do,” he says vaguely. “It’s not up to me.”
I close my eyes, pain ripping through my chest. “Maybe you were right. Maybe I do need to leave here. Maybe I’m a crutch for him… or maybe I’m even a worry for him. He hates that I’m sad about mom. Maybe he just wanted to end my grief. If I left, he could focus on himself… not on me.”
“And you could focus on yourself,” Dare adds. I open my eyes and his face is so tired, so drawn. I reach out and touch it, my blue hospital bracelet sliding down my forearm. When did I lose weight? My arms are so skinny.
“I trust you,” I blurt suddenly. “I trust you to tell me about yourself whenever you’re ready.”