She shook her head, but there was still something about her stunned expression that made him uneasy. This was too much, too fast for her. She’d barely had time to process the first bombshell he’d dropped.
He waited for her to speak but she kept looking around the field of bluebonnets, the horses grazing, the circle of trees—anywhere other than at him.
Nerves strung tight, he pressed ahead. “I have two drug addict parents. I was born a crack baby. Consider me a broken model. As far as I’m concerned, I would rather fund orphanages and adoption agencies to help babies like me that didn’t have a rich grandma to step in. But if you have faith I can handle being a parent, then I’m going to trust you.”
“Thank you,” she said woodenly. “I understand how difficult that was for you to say.”
“Then why do I still see smoke coming out of your ears?”
“First of all. It’s not just smoke. It’s pain, Stone. Real, deep hurt.” Her hands clenched into fists, and she drew her arms in closer to herself, away from him. She kept shaking her head slowly from side to side. “But yes, there’s anger, too. All those months we were together using birth control, you were lying to me, letting me believe that you might be open to having a family someday even though you knew otherwise.” She shoved to her feet, dusting the flower petals off her jeans in angry sweeps. “It wasn’t just one lie by leaving out something in your past. It was a lie every time we made love. I’m having a difficult time wrapping my brain around that.”
She thrust her hands into her hair, pressing against her head as she paced.
“Yes, it was a cop-out on my part not telling you.” He stood, walking off the quilt and toward her, wary. “I’m an even bigger jackass than you imagined.”
She stroked her fingers through her horse’s mane, a nervous habit he recognized well. “Stone, I’m... I don’t know what to say other than I feel betrayed.” She looked up at him, her eyes so full of pain the clover-green was dewy with unshed tears. “How could you say you love me? How could you propose to me and keep something this important from me?”
“I intended to tell you, even though I knew it would drive you away. Maybe that’s why I delayed because I knew it would make you leave me.” Just as it was doing now. The hole in his chest widened until he fought back the urge to howl in denial. “Then it was too late. Apparently, it still is.”
She turned to him hard and fast, fire spitting from her eyes. “Don’t you get it? It’s not that you had the procedure. That happened before we were a couple. It’s because you lied to me, again and again. Telling me now... I don’t know if that’s enough. I just don’t know.”
“God, Johanna.” His voice cracked as he reached for her.
She yanked away, her horse sidestepping sharply. “I can’t...”
“Can’t what?”
“I can’t process this. I need air—away from you.” She hitched a foot in the stirrup and swung up onto her palomino.
He didn’t bother to stop her. There wasn’t any use. His worst fear had happened, just not for the reason he’d expected. She hadn’t left him because he couldn’t father her children. She’d left him because he hadn’t trusted in their love enough to tell her.
* * *
Johanna gripped the reins tightly in her hands even though she knew Goldie could find her way back in the dark. The evening had started out on such a hopeful note only to end in total heartbreak. She’d even chosen Mariah’s horse to ride as a tribute to the woman who meant so much to them all. Now she could only think of everything they’d all lost.
Goldie slowed from a canter to a trot as they neared the stables. And, oh, God, on the lanai, a wedding was taking place. The trees were strung with lights. Sunflowers and wildflowers filled the space, a live band played as the happy couple walked back down the aisle. The whole ranch would echo with music all night with the reception in a special barn built for just such catered occasions.
She’d dreamed of a wedding just like this.
Squeezing her eyes closed, she let Goldie find her way back to the stables. The regular scents of hay and leather offered none of the normal calm she found here in the barn, her realm. The noise level didn’t help with the reception in full swing and some kind of party going on in the hot tub, too. She could have sworn she heard someone calling her name....
She looked back over her shoulder.
Amie was walking fast in a whispery sequined sun dress and cowboy boots only someone like her could pull off. Her brother trailed behind her, hands in his jeans pocket.
“Wait!” Amie waved, bracelets sliding to her elbow. “Johanna, I have to talk to you.”
There was no missing the panic in her voice, which launched an echoing wave of panic in Johanna. “Is something wrong with Mariah?” She slid from her horse, her own boots a dusty, scarred contrast to Amie’s shiny black leather.
Amie shook her head, her long hair in two loose braids swishing. “No, she’s fine. We just got a surprise visitor. The king—Enrique Medina—is in the lodge. He wants to save us the trouble of delivering Ruby so he’s coming here.” She clapped her hands, bracelets jingling. “Thank God we had the presidential suite available because every other room is booked. But he’s here and he wants to meet Ruby, and Gran couldn’t find you or Stone, and you didn’t have your cell phones.”
Alex put a hand on top of his sister’s head. “Amie. Chill. Johanna’s got it now. Right, Jo?”
Johanna looked back and forth between them and it didn’t appear they were joking. “The king that wants Ruby is here now?”
Amie nodded quickly. “We can’t keep him waiting any longer.”
Johanna looked down at the stained jeans and sweaty white tank top. But he wanted his dog now. “Give me five minutes to throw on a dress and pull back my hair. I’ll be right there.”
She could do this. For Mariah, for Ruby, and yes, even for herself. She could pull this off. What a time to realize Stone had helped her unearth a confidence in herself she hadn’t known existed.
* * *
By the time Stone finished riding alone for an hour, then brushing down Copper and returning him to the stable, he still had no clue what—if anything—he could say to Johanna to ease the pain he’d seen in her eyes. Pain he’d put there. He loved her and yet he’d still fallen short.