I nod, and she turns towards the counter in Starbucks. I sit back down at the small table – our table – and wait for her to return. Saturday mornings at Starbucks are always crazy, and it’s hard to be here. It’s hard to be so exposed to so many different people.
It feels like every pair of eyes that looks my way is scrutinizing me. Every look is a judgment. Every laugh is about me. Every conversation is about the girl in the corner.
And the funny thing is, no one in here knows me. They have no idea who I am or what I’ve been through. But it doesn’t stop me feeling naked.
“Phew.” Maddie drops opposite me and places two coffees and two muffins in front of me. “Don’t tell Braden. He thinks I eat too many of these things…” She waves her blueberry muffin. “…So I have to eat them when he’s not around. I think I’m gonna eat like one hundred this weekend.”
I smile wryly. “Maddie, under the thumb?”
“Psssh. The only thing about him I’m ever under is his whole body – because he’s the one under the thumb the rest of the time. Believe me.”
“I believe you.” And I do – Maddie is the kind of person that could wrap a plank of wood round her finger. “Where is he, anyway? I thought he was coming with you.”
She sighs. “He was. His Nan died last weekend so he’s gone home to see his Mom and help her sort some stuff. I told him I’d go, but he practically frog marched me to the freakin’ airport and threw me on the plane. Her funeral is next weekend, and I’m going back with him then.”
“I wouldn’t have minded if you’d gone with him!”
“I know, but he wasn’t having it. He told me to, and I quote, “Go and have a girly weekend and eat those f**kin’ muffins you adore so much.”” She smiles.
“Hate to say it, Mads, but he has you worked out.” I tilt my coffee towards her.
“Yeah, he does, but I just bribe him and it works.”
“I don’t want to know.” I shake my head.
“Anyway, enough about my caveman. I want to know about you. There’s only so much we can talk about on the phone, and it’s not the same as sitting here with you, so tell me everything. How are you really doing?”
I shrug a shoulder. “Okay, I guess. Some days are harder than others. I feel pretty good today, but that could change later.”
She chews the inside of her lip. “Do you still…” She pauses. “I hate asking this. God!”
I stare at her, knowing what she’s asking, but wanting her to actually say it. She doesn’t. Instead, her hand creeps across the table and wraps around my wrist. Her thumb strokes along the inside of my wrist, and I breathe in sharply.
“Do you?”
I shake my head, taking my hand away. “It’s hard, but I dance instead. That and Mom decided to hide anything with even a half sharp edge. If Dad’s to be believed, she even tried to hide the forks.” I smirk at Maddie, and she responds in kind.
“Typical. But I’m glad, Abbi. I’m glad you found something other than that to help. And it seems fitting that the thing that helps you is the one thing you refused to give up when I did.” Maddie’s smirk changes to a wide grin.
“Hey, I loved ballet. I still do. It’s what keeps me going.”
She nods slowly, and I know where our conversation is about to go. I can feel it descending onto us, a heavy storm cloud weighed down with inches upon inches of torrential rain.
“Do you… Do you know about Pearce?”
I nod.
“Shit.” She smacks the table. “How did you find out?”
“Jake. I saw him a few days ago and he told me.”
“Asshole!” She snaps her jaw together. “I told him to keep his sorry ass out of it. Shit, Abbi. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you what happened. I didn’t want to say it over the phone, and then you were leaving that place and I didn’t want to push you back. I was gonna tell you this weekend.”
I shrug. “Hey, it’s okay. I had to find out sometime, right? I don’t think I care, if I’m honest. I was scared to see him again, so finding out I won’t be kind of makes it better. Makes it easier to be home. Last week I was scared I’d run into him every time I turned a corner or walked into a store, but now I’m not. I feel kind of… freer. Like I honestly know he can’t hurt me anymore. I knew it before, but I really do believe it now.”
Maddie picks some of her cupcake off and puts it in her mouth, chewing thoughtfully for a minute. “I don’t know if I care. I mean, okay, obviously I care a bit. He is my brother; an ass**le brother, but my brother all the same. I don’t want him to be there, but a part of me can’t help but think he deserves it. After what he did to you, and then deciding to deal… How f**king stupid could he be?” She shakes her hair out. “He made those choices and now it’s costing him fifteen years of his life. After everything Mom taught us, he went and did it all anyway. She’d be so disappointed if she could see him now, and I’m damn glad she can’t.”
I lean forward and take her hand. She squeezes my fingers.
“I’m okay,” she says with a sniff.
“Mads, it’s okay to be upset he’s in prison. He’s still your brother, and he wasn’t an ass**le until he got to high school.”
“The problem is, that’s the Pearce I remember. The non-dickhead one.”
“You know what?” I look from my coffee to her. “I think that’s the same problem I had. I think I fell in love with the Pearce that threw water balloons at us, that stole your mom’s freshly baked cookies from the cooling rack and threw rocks at the boys that bullied us.” My eyes travel to the window, and my heart clenches with the realization that what I’m saying is completely true. “I think I fell in love with the idea of the person he could be, not the person he is, and because of that I never truly saw him for what he was. I was wrapped up in a fairytale, but everyone knows fairytales aren’t real.”
“My brother will always be an ass**le, but that doesn’t mean fairytales don’t exist. Remember, every fairytale has a bad guy and a bad patch, but they all have a happy ending too. You had your bad patch, now you just have to wait for your happy ending.”
I smile sadly at her hopeful face. “I don’t believe in happy endings, Maddie. Not anymore. I’m alive. That in itself is enough of a happy ending for me.”