Maybe that’s why I’m so desperate to stop her from being mad.
Maybe it’s not for her at all. Maybe it’s because I’m too fucking selfish to see her hurt.
But it isn’t about me.
It’s about Sofie and Mila.
Because of Mila, a part of Sofie will always belong to me. It doesn’t matter whether that part lives inside our daughter or not. A part of her will always be mine, and it’ll always be living inside me, because no matter what she says, she’s mine.
She can fight it. She can deny it. She can scream at me. She can walk away from me.
It won’t change that Sofie Callahan is irrevocably fucking mine.
“Eight hours without talkin’. Did I say I’m impressed?”
“You should be more impressed that it’s been eight hours after an argument and he hasn’t cornered me and kissed me yet,” I mutter in response.
Leila raises an eyebrow. “I don’t want to know.” She jumps on her bed and bounces a couple of times before settling. “I feel like I’m thirteen again and we’re having a slumber party.”
“Yeah, except I’m not painting those smelly toes of yours, and we’re definitely not having a pillow fight.”
She pouts. “Oh, come on. The pillow fights were the best!”
“We always lost!” I flop back on the bed with a sigh. “The boys always hijacked them. Four hormonal, always-at-the-gym boys against two tiny teenage girls? We were doomed!”
“Yeah, but they were fun.” She grins. “Do you remember that time we hijacked their band practice?”
“And broke Kye’s guitar?” A laugh bubbles up inside me. “Oh my God. Has he even forgiven us for that?”
Leila shakes her head. “He took money out of my allowance for six months to fund his new one. I swear he tries to take the change out of my pig even now.”
I present to the world the only twenty-one-year-old I know who keeps change in a piggy bank.
“So don’t keep it there. Put, like, a booby trap on it or somethin’.”
“A booby trap? Aren’t you supposed to be all grown up and something now, Mom?”
I shrug. “Only when Mila’s around. I can totally be a mini-asshole when she’s not. Even more so when it concerns one of your brothers.”
“I thought Kye was your favorite. After Conner, obviously.”
I bend my neck up and snap the hair tie on my wrist. “Kye is my favorite. Right now, over Conner.” I twist my hair on top of my head. “Of course, right now, I even like Tate more than Conner, and that’s saying something.”
“Holy shit.” Her eyes widen. “No way.”
“Yes way.”
“Mind you, I’d be mega-pissed if I were you. That trending thing was so immature I wanted to, well, really hurt him.” Leila leans against her headboard. “I know, I know, they make me violent. Thank fuck they’re in LA recording more often than they’re home nowadays.”
I feel my face drop a little.
“Shit. I didn’t mean. . . . Well, shit.”
“No, I get it, Lei.” I roll onto my side and prop my head up on my elbow. “That’s where they work, y’know? That’s part of the reason I left. How could I subject Mila to a dad she’d only know for a handful of weeks out of a year? She wouldn’t know him when he came back. At least now she’s old enough to get it, sort of, no matter how hard it’ll be when they go again.”
“They’ll come back after the tour for a couple weeks,” she says soothingly. “They’ll be back for Christmas, too. But we’ll still be here, you know? Me and Nana and Poh. You won’t be alone anymore.”
I smile sadly. “I know, but you guys aren’t him.” To either of us.
“Okay.” She holds her hands out. “There aren’t many people I’d get a sex change for, so don’t be takin’ this one lightly. . . .”
I burst out laughing. “You’re such an idiot.”
She giggles. “Someone has to be, y’know? The atmosphere in this house is so heavy I think I’ve put on five pounds in the last week.”
“Oh, yes, I can see it. All that extra pudge around your tummy.” I roll my eyes. “Although if you wanted an extra five, my stomach and thighs would gladly share.”
“Whatever. You look amazing for having a baby.”
“You have to say that. You’re my best friend.”
Her eyes shoot to mine. Her lips twitch, slowly, then she lets them tug up on one side. “Yeah, well, be careful how you use that line. Being your best friend also entitles me to tell you when you look like a fat bitch.”
“I’ll suck my tummy in,” I say, laughing. “Seriously, though. It’ll be hard for Mila when Conner goes. She’ll lose a part of her, y’know? She adores him so much. She did before she even met him.”
Leila’s smile drops. “But she can watch him on TV, right, like she did before? And he can call and Skype and stuff. It’s not like she won’t ever see him again. He’ll probably fly y’all out there.”
“So I can experience the epic fangirling that happens whenever he walks down the street?” I snort. “No thanks. He can make the round-trip.”
Leila’s silent for a moment, a long moment that’s almost suffocating. Then she says, “That’s part of why you left, isn’t it?”
“I dunno what you mean.” I pick at her bedspread.
“You thought he wouldn’t want you anymore when he had a whole bunch of groupies throwing themselves at his feet and flashing their tits.”
“Shut up.” I sit up and hug one leg to me. “Maybe. A little.”
“A lot!”
“Shut up!” I repeat. “I just . . . It doesn’t matter, okay? What I did then and why I did it doesn’t matter now.”
“It does, because two and a half years later, he’s still totally fucking in love with you.”
“He says he is. But I don’t know. He pulls some real asshole moves sometimes, and he’s kind of a prick to me for the rest of it. How do you love someone you treat badly?”
Leila looks at me, her eyes conveying how very hypocritical that statement is.
“I dunno, Sof. How do you?” she finally says, cutting through our silence.
“You love them with every last selfish bit of you. You love them because you want to and not because they deserve it.” I hug my leg tight. “That’s how. I don’t want to love him, but I do, and that’s why I can’t fucking stop it.”