It’s all coming back – everything I felt when I found out he’d gone and that he wasn’t coming back. The betrayal and the heartache. The ever-present sting of pain and the lonely ache in the pit of my stomach. The feeling of abandonment from the man who promised to always be there.
My hands shake as I grab a mug and click the kettle to boil. I clench my jaw when the front door shuts, and I have to suck my tongue to stop myself from turning and screaming at him the way I want to.
Because I still don’t know why he left.
I never got the explanation. From Mom, from Dad… No one ever gave it to me, and no matter how much Mom thinks her excuses are an explanation, they’re not.
I make my coffee in silence and lean back against the kitchen counter. I look at my parents coldly, shooting daggers with my eyes.
“Not quite the welcome I was expecting,” Dad says softly, breaking the silence.
“Did you expect us to roll out a red carpet?” I raise an eyebrow. “Six years, Dad. It ain’t like you went to Mexico for a month, is it?”
“Kia…”
“You left without an explanation. You just upped and went in the middle of the night. Am I supposed to cry and fall into your arms? Is that what you were expectin’?” I put the mug down. “Well I’m sorry to disappoint, but you don’t get that. Not when either of you has ever told me the reason why I woke up one morning to find you weren’t there anymore. Ever.”
Dad’s face slowly turns toward Mom, and she visibly shrinks back a little. “You didn’t tell her the reason I left?” he asks, his jaw tightening.
“She never needed to know,” Momma replies, getting up and reaching into the cupboard for a glass.
She slams it down. Grabs the vodka bottle. Pours it in. Downs it.
“Never had a reason to tell her,” she continues, setting the glass down more gently. “I was gonna tell her when she got older, before she went to college, then she was so happy I couldn’t do it.”
She cared about something other than the alcohol? I’ll be damned.
“You should have told her, Mari!” Dad thunders. He stands and slaps his hands against the wooden table, making it shake. “She has a right to know!”
“And who would have been here to deal with the fall out, huh?” she cries, turning to him. “It woulda been me, Lee! You never left a number, an address, or anythin’! She woulda hated me, and she would have had to live with it until now!”
I look between them, frowning. Neither of them are making any sense to me. “What are you talkin’ about?”
Mom and Dad stare at each other for a minute. His hands clench. Hers shake. He tightens his jaw, and she purses her lips.
I can feel the tension. It’s crackling around us, almost palpable in its intensity and effect. Almost suffocating in its heaviness.
Dad sighs, dropping his head, and sits back down on the chair. I look between them again when neither speak.
“Well?” I prompt. “Does anyone wanna tell me what’s going on? Or should I say, what really went on?”
Dad looks up at me. “I left because your momma decided one man wasn’t enough for her. She decided I wasn’t enough for her.”
My heart stops. I don’t want what he’s saying to be true. No matter how I crave the truth, I don’t want to believe anything other than what I have done for years.
My eyes travel to Mom in slow motion. “Is that true?” I whisper. “Did you cheat on Daddy?”
She looks at me blankly. No twitch of her lips, no blinking eyes, not even a stray hair falls in her face. It feels like time is standing still as our eyes collide with each other’s. Mine asking, and hers hesitating. I don’t breathe until she finally opens her mouth and the truth comes out.
“Yeah,” she says simply, still unmoving, still unfeeling. “Yeah, I did. I had an affair, Kia.”
~
I climb the ladder to the treehouse. Somehow. Somehow, I do it. With the last burst of strength in me, I pull myself up, everything inside the wooden walls distorting behind the waves of tears falling from my eyes. I curl up on the floor and listen to the rumble of a car leaving. He’s gone to wherever, and she’s gone her safe place. And I’m in mine.
I’m alone the exact same way I have been for six years, but I’ve never felt quite as lonely as I do right now.
My phone burns a hole in my pocket. One message, three words. That’s all I need to do and Reese will be here.
Do I need him? I don’t want to need him. I don’t want him to be the one that makes it all go away in only the way he can. I don’t want to need him at all, but tonight I do.
Tonight, and maybe always.
I pull my cell from my pocket and type out a shaky message. Three words are all I need to bridge every gap, fill every hole and stitch every tear between us. Three tiny, simple words that mean more and hold more power than they should.
I let the cell fall to the floor next to me, hot tears burning blazing paths down my cheeks. I thought I knew betrayal. I thought I knew heartbreak. I thought I knew lies.
But I knew nothing. If I knew it all, it wouldn’t hurt so badly right now. It wouldn’t feel like every part of me was twisting into knots if I knew what real pain feels like.
Six years of being surrounded by lies and deceit. Six years of Mom burying her head under the sand and blaming it all on Daddy when none of it was his fault. Six years of keeping me away from him because she couldn’t face her mistake. It wasn’t his mistake, not like she was so adamant it was.
Reese’s strong arms wrap around me, breaking into my train of thought. He lifts me from the floor and into his warm chest. Reese. He rocks us slowly, running his fingers through my hair, and I bury my face into his neck.
“It’s okay, baby,” he whispers softly. “I’m here. I got you.”
“She lied. The whole time,” I croak out, wrapping an arm around his neck and pressing my face into him. “She said it was him, but it wasn’t it wasn’t it wasn’t it was her the whole time and she lied!” The words tumble out almost hysterically.
“Who said what, baby?”
I take a deep breath, the words clogging in my throat.
“Talk to me,” he begs. “Tell me what happened.”
“Momma, she lied.” I take another deep breath, pushing through the thick waves of emotion washing over me. “She told me Daddy left ‘cause he was a good for nothin’ excuse of a man, but it wasn’t why. She cheated. She had an affair, and he found out, so he left. I’ve blamed him for six years. Six goddamn years I’ve hated him for leavin’ me, and it was never his fault.”