She loved that he let the moment rest, that he didn’t leap in and try to pressure her.
Finally, she lifted her gaze to his. “Is this what you want, Jean-Pierre, truly want with me? I know that what happened so long ago broke your heart, ruined your heart, and I don’t want you to feel that you have to do this.”
Strangely, his eyes grew wet.
Once more, he kissed her forehead. “Earlier tonight, when I was paralyzed and could not breathe, when I knew that I would die, do you know what I thought?”
She shook her head.
“I thought that no man had been so foolish as I had been in holding my heart back from you. I was already in love with you, but I told myself it was a sweet transient love, not very serious. Lovely, but not meaningful.
“But as I lay there, all I could think was how much I was going to miss you. I could not even imagine what death would hold, but I felt certain I would miss you terribly, that my soul would carry an ache in the very center of my being because I would no longer be with you, have you near, have my arms around you.
“I know it does not make sense, but in that moment I realized that my love for you was … enormous, that it filled every corner of my being.
“As for the breh-hedden, I know it will bring many difficulties for us both. I know that. I know that our responsibilities to Endelle will be greater, perhaps to Colonel Seriffe and the Militia Warriors as well. This I feel also deep in my soul. And for that, for you, I am so sorry.
“Because I love you, I want something so very different for you—a life of peace for one thing. But I cannot have this, because this is war and we do not know when it will change.
“My answer is simply, oui, I want to complete the breh-hedden with you. I want you so much in that way that I can hardly breathe. Despite the difficulties that will come, I want to know you, your mind, your body, your blood all at one time and I want you to know me in the same way. And I want to experience where that joining will take us.
“This I believe, Fiona: Something awaits us on the other side of this, something we are meant to know, to experience, perhaps even to accomplish together.
“But mostly, it is you I want, all that you are. So, yes, I want this joining with you, more than life itself.”
Fiona had to blink several times so that the tears that had gathered while he spoke would dissipate. She had never thought to hear such a beautiful speech from him, to hear him speak of loving her in such a way, that his love for her filled every corner of his being.
She was moved beyond words. More tears gathered then fell. She swiped at them with her fingertips.
He pulled her close and held her in his familiar warm embrace. She leaned her head against his shoulder.
Her life moved at light speed now, so strangely fast. For over a hundred years the rhythm of her existence had been measured month by month as Rith took her blood, as he drained her to death, then gave it all back again with someone else’s blood and the hard, painful jolts of the defibrillators.
But from the time of her release from captivity, life had sped up, or perhaps caught up with the flow of Second Earth and the demands of war.
She was now the gold variety of obsidian flame, able not only to channel someone else’s power, but also to allow a full possession and increase that power exponentially.
What she could contribute to the war effort had made Endelle dance a jig on top of her marble desk. She’d even helped release Marguerite from her captivity and rescue twenty thousand people. Surely a woman who could do all this could also give herself to the mysteries of the breh-hedden.
She stood on the rim of a canyon ready to leap off into the abyss, hopefully to fly.
He rubbed her back, which of course reminded her of her itchy wing-locks. As though reading her mind, Jean-Pierre began at the upper right and started to scratch at just the right pressure. She trembled then relaxed, settling more deeply against his chest, her soul filling with wonder.
Her mind seemed to open and expand right then and there, in the foyer of Jean-Pierre’s house, next to a piano they both knew how to play, held in the arms of the man she loved, having the man who loved her in every corner of his being giving her wing-locks some much-needed relief.
When he’d gone over each lock and then just held her once more, when he seemed content just to hold her, when he didn’t launch into all the reasons she should complete the breh-hedden, and even when her heart began to pound in her chest and throat, she whispered, “Yes.”
His body stilled. He didn’t draw a breath for a moment.
“Yes,” she said more loudly. And finally peace flowed through her, a warm wonderful river of ease that told her she was doing the right thing, the best thing, the most necessary thing for herself and for Jean-Pierre.
He pulled back from her a little so that he could look into her eyes. He frowned. “Are you sure? I do not want you to feel the smallest pressure. This must be your decision and your desire. Truly your desire.”
She nodded. “I know.” Then she smiled. “I admit this has been a lot to get used to. But I’m ready. Scared, but I’m ready. I want to know you in this way as well, my mind, my body, my blood.
“When Rith died, just a few hours ago, that part of my life ended. Oh, I know that I will work with the rehab center for a long time to come, and I’ll continue on at Militia HQ, working to identify blood slave facilities, but I can feel that this is a new beginning, that I, that we, are meant to accomplish more, perhaps have always been destined to accomplish more together.”
She shook her head. “But no, I don’t feel pressured anymore. I feel—” She paused and put a hand to her chest. “—I feel light and joyous. I know now that I belong here with you and I want to be your breh as I want you to be mine.”
“So, it is the breh-hedden.”
“Yes.”
The breh-hedden always reveals the butterfly.
—Collected Proverbs, Beatrice of Fourth
Chapter 23
Jean-Pierre did not move for a long time. He held Fiona in his arms, unable to release her, or to suggest that they retire to his bedroom, or anything. Peace held him immobile, something he had not felt in a very long time, perhaps not since well before the revolution.
He held the moment, as he held Fiona, savoring, wishing that he could make time stop, forever. His breathing was deep, very deep, breaths that seemed to reach into the earth and pull every good thing back up into his body.
He loved Fiona with all his heart.
She was as the stars to him, a vast universe to know and to discover.