I jumped into the water to pull him back to shore when he went under again and all his thrashing stopped. I dove down, searching the dark water for him.
I broke the surface the same time he did, only this time he was in his human form.
“What the hell, Sam?” he said, his voice a little shaky. “How about a warning next time?” He swam back to shore and pulled himself out onto the dirt ground. I did the same, morphing back, so we could talk.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to catch you off guard.”
“I didn’t want to go swimming!” he demanded.
“You were covered in blood,” I said flatly.
That seemed to shut him up and we both sat there, dripping wet in the dark. I wanted to ask him what happened. I wanted to ask him why he killed that deer. I wanted to know what it had felt like…
I wasn’t sure I really wanted to hear his answers.
“Can we go now?” Logan eventually asked. He sounded tired.
“Sure.” We both made the long walk back to the truck, silent the whole way until I couldn’t stand it any longer.
“Logan,” I began, “does it always hurt like that, every time you shift?”
Logan was silent for a few long moments and then his voice, soft and low cut right through me. “Yeah. The couple times I have shifted, it—it hurts. But mostly I don’t remember when I shift.”
“You don’t remember?” I stopped to stare at him through the dark.
He seemed self-conscious and something else as he looked away. He shook his head. “Sometimes I wake up in places that I hadn’t been when I went to sleep.” He looked back at me. He was scared. More scared than I had ever seen him.
“That happen a lot?” I asked, trying to keep my voice light, not letting on to how much this disturbed me.
“Not for a while. It’s better since I found you.”
I nodded. “That’s real good.”
Logan sighed. “Please don’t make me do this again.”
“Yeah, okay. We won’t do this—not until we know that you can control it. Not until you feel like it’s part of you.”
His shoulders slumped like he’d been told his best friend in the world died. “You don’t get it. It isn’t part of me. It’s a stranger.”
There wasn’t anything I could say. Before he could move past me in the direction of the truck, I grabbed him and gave him a hard hug. It was meant to be quick and firm, but he grabbed onto me and wouldn’t let go. His face buried itself in my shoulder and he shook like he might cry.
“Hey. Hey, bud, it’s okay. We’re going to figure this out.”
He pulled away and nodded, walking off to find the truck.
I watched him go. I hadn’t been around many hellhounds in my life—it’s true we are a very rare occurrence, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that the hellhound in Logan wasn’t like the other ones I had known. Something was wrong. His words floated through my head, taunting me.
It’s a stranger.
Angry, I pushed the thought away. He wasn’t a stranger. He was my family. My brother. And whatever it was we would get through together.
* * *
Logan was still quiet and withdrawn when we got back to the apartment. Thankfully, he wanted a shower the minute we walked through the door and it gave me a few minutes alone to not have to be the one to hold everything together. I glanced at the clock and sighed. It was late. By now I was usually at Heven’s with her body pressed against mine as she slept. I had grown accustomed to that, to her. It was the best part of my day. She was probably in bed already, the covers pulled around her, her blond hair spread out across the pillow. Usually all that hair kind of annoyed me. When I would breathe, it would go up my nose, it would get in my eyes, and I was always afraid I would roll on it and pull it. What I would give for some of that ‘annoyance’ right now. Besides, it smelled good.
I flopped down on the couch and leaned my head back against the cushion. Heven.
Hey! How was your guy bonding?
It was good. I took Logan out into the woods—you know the ones that back up against Lake Sebago? We lost track of time.
I’m glad you guys had a good time. I loved the way her voice sounded sleepy, even in my head. It was slower than usual and a little deeper. I closed my eyes.
Yeah, honey, we did.
Sam? You sound off.
Everything’s fine, but Logan shifted, finally—
That’s great! Is he a little more accepting of himself now?
It’s been a hard night for him… I really hoped she wouldn’t press the issue. I didn’t want to tell her what really happened. I know she tried to hide how uneasy she feels around Logan sometimes, but it was something that I could feel anyway. It didn’t bother me that she tried to conceal her feelings about my brother because I knew she was doing it out of love. So not telling her about tonight was kind of the same—I was doing it out of love.
Maybe if you stayed with him tonight it would help.
You won’t be upset?
Of course not, Sam. Logan is your little brother. He needs you.
I miss you.
I miss you too. This bed isn’t the same without you hogging it up.
I grinned. I don’t hog the bed.
Yes, you do. But I like it, so that’s okay. How about I bring some breakfast over in the morning before work? I’ll bring Logan’s favorite, donuts.
He would like that. Knowing that she felt uneasy around my brother and was still willing to support him lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. It was so nice to know I wasn’t alone. I spent too long feeling alone and this was so much better. I would too.
Get some sleep, Sam. I’ll see you in the morning.
Thank you, Hev. For understanding. For loving me. For bringing me a donut.
Anything for you. Now go take a shower. You probably smell after being in the woods.
I laughed out loud as Logan was coming out of the bathroom.
“What are you laughing at?”
I sat up and turned. He looked a lot better. His skin was no longer pale and he didn’t seem weighed down with pain.
“Nothing. Just thinking.”
“Some thoughts,” he muttered.
I jumped up off the couch and headed for my dresser to pull out some clean clothes. Heven was right. I did stink. “I’m taking a shower.”
Logan was busy looking through the fridge, which was probably almost empty. A trip to the store was needed.
“You hungry?”
He grunted.
“Me too. There’s mac n cheese in the cabinet. Make enough for me.”