She rose and nodded, too. "I need to talk to Baumgartner.
It's probably not a bad idea if you do, too."
Catcher nodded, then glanced warily back at the door behind which Malory had been at work.
"Go home," I told him. "She's safe here, and you look like you could use some rest."
"If I weren't exhausted, I'd tear you down from the insult."
"You are exhausted, so I'l pretend you made a sarcastic retort." I put a hand on his arm. "Seriously. Go take a nap."
He nodded, then led Paige out of the room.
"You sure you're ready for her?" Gabriel asked.
I blew out a breath. "I think the better question is whether she's ready for me."
After Gabe offered directions, I found Malory in a smal bedroom at the top of a narrow staircase at the back of the kitchen.
There wasn't much to the room. A twin-sized bed. A smal table. The wals were hung with old-fashioned walpaper bearing cartoonish strawberries.
Malory sat on the edge of the bed, staring down at the chapped hands in her lap.
She looked up at me and blew a wisp of lank blond hair from her face. "What are you doing up here?"
"I wanted to check on you."
Silence descended. I'd imagined my reunion with Malory would be awkward, and I'd been right. "Awkward" was a gentle word for the thousand unspoken words that hung between us. But she was the one who had explaining to do, so I walked inside and shut the door. I sat down on the hardwood floor cross-legged and, in the awkward silence, took a look at my nails. They didn't look great, but I had fought a mutant gnome, a sorceress, and a Tate.
"How are you feeling?" I finaly asked.
She laughed mirthlessly and wiped the tears from her cheeks.
"The same. Bad. Stupid. I felt wrong, Merit. Deep in my bones, I felt wrong. I stil do."
"I know."
She looked back at me. "I wasn't trying to hurt anyone."
"That you weren't trying to do it doesn't mean you aren't responsible for it."
She nodded.
"You could be dead right now, Malory. We al could be. As it is, Paige's house burned down and the Maleficium is toast.
Tate is twice the man he used to be, and we have no idea where he is or how to stop him."
"I know," she said. "I know."
"How did you and Tate hook up?"
"I knew the book was in the silo, but I didn't know how to get in there."
So much for my Internet research theory.
"I watched the farm, thinking you'd show up and get into the silo. That's where he found me. He said we could help each other."
"You'd be the distraction, and he'd get Paige to show him the book?"
She nodded. "I'm sorry. I know that's not enough, but I'm sorry."
"Do you understand how much danger you've put the city in?
How much danger you put vampires in? When shit goes bad, Malory, they blame us. They blame vampires. The city, the GP, the mayor. We have to register with the city just to live here, like we're convicts on parole."
"What do you want me to say?"
That was a good question. What could she possibly say to erase the last few days?
"I don't know," I said honestly. "We have a lot of history together, you and I. And as glad as I am that you brought Ethan back, it wil be a long time before you wil make this up to the people you've hurt."
"The pain beat me," she quietly said. "The pain won. I know it's hard to understand..."
"It's hard to understand because you didn't talk to anyone about it. I found out you were involved when I discovered you betrayed me and my House. If you didn't think Simon got it, you should have talked to Catcher. Or my grandfather. Or someone.
You should have done anything but what you did."
She was quiet for a moment. "Do you hate me?"
It didn't say much for either of us that I had to think about my answer. Honestly, I wasn't sure how I felt. Malory and I had a history of friendship - more of a history than anybody else currently a part of my life. But she'd pushed forward regardless of whom else she hurt and regardless of the consequences.
She'd nearly destroyed Chicago and she'd managed to unleash two Tates on the Midwest.
It was certainly hard for me to like her very much. And it would be a realy long time before I could respect her again.
But...
"No, I don't hate you. You brought him back to me."
"Not for the right reasons."
"No. But you stil did it." It would have been al the better if Ethan hadn't been tied to her at al, but I wasn't about to clue her in to that. He may not be her familiar, but I didn't want her testing exactly how deep their connection ran. She wasn't ready for that yet. I wasn't ready for that yet.
"I hated him at first," she said. "And I think you did, too. He was overbearing, and he didn't sympathize with your situation.
And then you let yourself be vulnerable, and then he invited another girl to your House. And then he took a stake for you, and he proved himself."
I nodded.
"Maybe he's not quite Darth Sulivan anymore," she said.
We were both silent. "I don't know if I can do this," she said after a couple of minutes.
"Do what?"
"Come back to this. Face up to what I did. I can take responsibility for it. I'm not stupid; I know it was my fault. But I'm...mortified, I guess. The shifters - I see how they look at me. There's disgust in their eyes, Merit. Catcher is so angry, so humiliated, and I know the Order's going to punish me. And I deserve the worst they can come up with."
She burst into long, sobbing tears, but I wasn't ready to go to her. I wasn't ready to comfort her - not when she'd hurt so many. Not while they were stil grieving, while they stil needed comforting.
"How do I go back into the world knowing what I've done?"
She looked up at me, her eyes red and swolen, her face wet. "I hurt people, and you guys are in trouble. And Catcher...I don't know if I'l ever get him back."
"Did he say that?"
"He said he needed time." She covered her mouth with a hand but only barely managed to stifle her sobs.
"Then suck it up and give him time. God knows, he's earned it. We al have."
"I'm going to lose him. Oh, God, Merit, I'm going to lose him."
"Maybe you wil," I agreed. "You betrayed his trust. You chose dark magic over your friends, your city, your boyfriend.
I'm sure he isn't taking that wel. I'm not taking it wel."
"So much for sugarcoating it."