“We should have cut her off after the guacamole left the table,” Mimi muttered. “She is never allowed to drink again without food present.” She dragged me up the last few steps.
“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here,” I complained, taking off my jacket and starting in on my shirt.
“Okay, let’s not get naked here in the hallway, huh?” Sophia shot back, taking my keys from my purse and opening my door. I tried to kiss her on the cheek, and she pushed me off.
“You smell like tequila and sexual repression, Caroline. Get off me.” She laughed and opened my door. As we traveled to the bedroom, I caught sight of Clive on the windowsill.
“Hey there, Clive. How’s my big boy?” I sang.
He glared at me and stalked off to the living room. He disapproved of my alcohol use. I stuck my tongue out at him. I flopped down on the bed and surveyed my girls in the doorway. They smirked in that you-are-drunk-and-we-are-not-so-we-judge way.
“Don’t act all high and mighty, ladies. I’ve seen you more drunk than this on many an occasion,” I noted, my pants going the way of my blouse. Ask me why I kept my heels on, and I will never be able to tell you.
The two of them pulled down the duvet, and I crawled under the covers and glared. They tucked me in so well that the only things sticking out were my eyeballs, my nostrils, and my messy hair.
“Why is the room spinning? What the hell did you guys do to Jillian’s apartment? She’ll kill me if I mess up her rent control!” I cried, moaning as I watched the room move.
“The room isn’t spinning. Settle down.” Mimi chuckled, sitting next to me and patting my shoulder.
“And that thumping, what the hell is that thumping?” I whispered into Mimi’s armpit, which I then sniffed and complimented her deodorant choice.
“Caroline, there’s no thumping. Jesus, you must have had more than we thought!” Sophia exclaimed, settling down at the end of the bed.
“No, Sophia, I hear it too. You can’t hear that?” Mimi said in a hushed voice.
Sophia was quiet, and all three of us listened. There was a distinct thump, and then an unmistakable groan.
“Kittens, lay back. You are about to get Wallbanged,” I stated.
Sophia and Mimi’s eyes grew wide, but they stayed quiet.
Would it be Spanx? Purina? Anticipating the latter, Clive entered the room and jumped up on the bed. He stared at the wall with rapt attention.
The four of us sat and waited. I can barely describe what we were subjected to this time.
“Oh, God.”
Thump.
“Oh, God.”
Thump thump.
Mimi and Sophia looked at Clive and me. We just shook our heads—both of us, really. A slow smile spread across Sophia’s face. I focused on the voice coming through the wall. It was different…The pitch was lower, and, well, I couldn’t really make out exactly what she was saying. It wasn’t Spanx or Purina…
“Mmm, Simon —” giggle “— right —” giggle “— there!” giggle.
Huh?
“Yes, yes —” snort “— yes! Fuck, f**k —” giggle-hee haw “— fuck, yes!”
She was giggling. She was a dirty, dirty giggler.
The three of us tittered along with her as she giggled and snorted her way toward what sounded like one helluva climax. Clive, realizing quickly that his beloved wasn’t making an appearance, beat a hasty retreat to the kitchen.
“What the hell is this?” Mimi whispered, her eyes as wide as apple pies.
“This is the sexual torture I’ve been listening to for the last two nights. You have no idea,” I growled, feeling the effects of the tequila.
“LaughyPants has been getting done like this for the last two nights?” Sophia cried, slapping her hand over her mouth as more moaning laughter filtered through the wall.
“Oh, hell no. Tonight is the first night I’ve had the pleasure of this one. The first night was Spanx. She was a naughty, naughty girl and needed to be punished. And last night Clive met the love of his life when Purina made her debut— ”
“Why do you call her Purina?” Sophia interrupted.
“Because she meows when he makes her come,” I said, hiding under the covers. My buzz was beginning to fade, replaced by the distinct lack of sleep I’d experienced since moving into this den of debauchery.
Sophia and Mimi peeled the covers from my face just as the chick screamed, “Oh, God that’s…that’s —” hahahaha “— so good!”
“The guy next door can make a woman meow?” Sophia asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Apparently so.” I chuckled, feeling the first wave of nausea wash over me.
“Why is she laughing? Why would anyone be laughing while they’re getting done like that?” Mimi asked.
“No idea, but it’s nice to hear she’s enjoying herself,” Sophia said, laughing herself at a particularly loud guffaw. Guffaw my aunt Fanny…
“Have you seen this guy yet?” asked Mimi, still staring at the wall.
“Nope. My peephole is getting a workout, though.”
“Glad to hear at least one hole is getting some around here,” Sophia muttered.
I glared at her. “Charming, Sophia. I’ve seen the back of his head, and that’s it,” I answered, sitting up.
“Wow, three girls in three nights. That’s some kind of stamina,” Mimi said, still looking in wonder at the wall.
“It’s some kind of disgusting is what it is. I can’t even sleep at night! My poor wall!” I wailed as I heard a deep groan from him.
“Your wall, what does your wall have to do —” Sophia began, and I held up my hand.
“Wait for it, please,” I said. He began to bring it on home.
The wall began to shake with the rhythmic banging, and the woman’s giggles got louder and louder. Sophia and Mimi stared in wonder, as I just shook my head.
I could hear Simon moaning, and I knew he was getting close. But his sounds were quickly drowned out by this evening’s friend.
“Oh —” giggle “— that’s —” giggle “— it —” giggle “— don’t —” giggle “— stop —” giggle “— don’t —” giggle “— stop —” giggle “— oh —” giggle-snort “— God —” giggle-giggle snort-snort “— don’t —” giggle “— stop!” giggle.