“Come on. Just tell us, Mallory,” Juliet pleaded.
“I just can’t be that girl again.” I looked down at the quilt.
“What do you mean?”
“I need to be someone, and that isn’t going to happen if I date Colt.”
“Uh, am I more drunk than I thought, or is she making absolutely no sense?” Cara asked Juliet.
“I never told you the truth about my dad.” I continued to look down.
“About his heart attack?”
I mustered some courage. “No, about how he left.”
“You said your parents are divorced,” Cara said softly.
“He left us because we weren’t good enough.”
“That’s not true.” Juliet put a hand on my back. “A dad doesn’t leave his kids for that reason.”
“You don’t know him.”
“That’s true, but what does this have to do with Colt?” Cara asked.
I pulled my knees up to my chest. “I only had one boyfriend in high school. We dated my sophomore and junior year and tried to do things long distance the first few months after he graduated. Then he suddenly broke up with me because I wasn’t what he needed in his life. In other words, I wasn’t good enough for him either.”
“And you don’t want to feel like that again. That’s why you were embarrassed to have hooked up with Colt on a farm. Right?” Juliet had hit the nail on the head. “But that’s ridiculous. Only you can decide your worth. Trust me, you can’t let what a guy, even your dad, thinks of you change your self-image.”
“I’m confused.” Cara sat up straighter. “Why would dating Colt matter? He’s not going to treat you that way.”
“She’s afraid. She’s terrified.” Juliet didn’t say it condescendingly, but it still stung.
“Maybe. I honestly don’t know anymore.” The alcohol was only making things more confusing. Why’d I have to sleep with Colt in the first place? Maybe if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have starting crushing on him again. But wouldn’t he still be at Harrison and pledging Kappa? He said he’d been on the waitlist, so he didn’t come just for me. I never did find that letter he wrote me. I had a feeling he’d explained a lot more on those pages.
“Okay. Back to the original question. What’s up with you and Colt? Do you like being with him?”
“Yes.” I could admit that much.
“Then forget the rest of it. Just let him make you happy.”
“We’re kind of together.” I remembered our conversation. The words he’d made me say in his goofy game.
“What’s that mean?” Juliet asked.
“I don’t know. I’m just not ready to go public.”
“Why would you hide it?”
“I have my reasons. You won’t tell, will you?” I leaned back into the cushions.
“If you really think it’s best…” Juliet watched me warily. “But give us something. I can tell you’re hiding something.”
“Remember that boyfriend I told you about?”
Cara nodded. “The one who left you behind.”
“He’s Colt’s brother.”
“What? Are you serious?” Juliet asked.
I sighed, needing the conversation to end and hoping my friends knew me enough to realize that. “Okay, my turn is over. Cara, it’s your turn.”
“No, thanks.”
“What? This was all your idea.”
“Yeah.” She smiled. “But I only suggested it to get you talking about Colt.”
“It doesn’t work that way, hon.”
She laughed. “Fine. Dare.”
“I dare you to call Aaron.”
“What?” She grunted.
“Call him. Tell him how you feel. Just be honest.”
“Seriously? That’s my dare?”
Juliet looked at me and she nodded. “Yes.”
I leaned back and crossed my arms. “Pick up your phone and call.”
“Can’t I just run around outside in my underwear or something?”
I wondered if she’d had even more to drink than I originally thought. “Yeah, not happening.”
She nodded. “Fine.” She swallowed hard and picked up her phone. “Aaron? Yeah. Me too.” She walked out of the room.
Juliet and I just sat there flipping through the TV stations. Twenty minutes later, Cara came out grinning. “He’s on his way.”
“Good.” I gave her a hug.
Less than an hour later, Aaron was knocking on the door. The rain had stopped for the time being, so Juliet and I decided to give them some privacy. We grabbed flashlights and took the short walk down to the beach. Instead of cutting straight through the back gate, we opted for the longer route that took us around a small lagoon. There was something so peaceful about being out late at night in such a quiet and picturesque place.
The moon was barely visible, leaving the small flashlights to do all the work of lighting our way. We laid down some towels and watched the stars while listening to the pounding waves.
“Whatever you decide to do with Colt, you’re going to be fine.” Juliet leaned up on one elbow. “Just don’t overthink it.”
“I just don’t need this right now.”
“Why not? It’s not like we can choose when we fall in love.”
“I’m not in love.” I stared up at the sky.
“Yes, you are.” She sat up. “If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be so conflicted. There are plenty of hot guys to hook up with, but you want Colt.”
“That doesn’t mean I love him.”
“Does your chest tighten when you’re around him?”
“Yes.”
“Do you feel safe yet full of butterflies at the same time?”
I nodded even though she probably couldn’t see me in the dark.
“He makes you happy. I already know that.”
“None of those things mean I’m in love with him.”
“They do together and coupled with the look you get when his name comes up, and the fact that your feelings for him have nearly changed your personality. I think it’s safe to call it love.”
I sat up too. “I know I’ve been bitchy this year.”
“Not bitchy, but not you.”
“I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’m just in a funk.”
“Because you’re fighting who you are.” She stood up and let the sand blow off the towel.