“Dad didn’t want you to drink. You told him you wouldn’t!”
“You’re being hysterical.”
But I don’t feel hysterical. “I need to talk to you.”
“Okay.” Gabe doesn’t move. The way he’s sitting, I can tell that he’s very aware of Tommy watching, and he’s working the conversation to make himself look clever.
I lean over to say, “Privately.”
The thing that is hurting me the most is the look on his face. One eyebrow raised, as if he still thinks that I am overreacting.
He lifts one palm toward the ceiling. “There isn’t really a place to be private here. Can’t it hold?”
I put my hand on his arm and grip his shirt. “No. Not anymore. I need to talk now.”
“I guess I’m going, Tommy. I’ll be back.”
“You show him, Puck!” Tommy says, with a fist punch into the air. Right at that moment, I despise Tommy and every bit of prettiness about him. I don’t even look at him. Instead, I lead Gabe toward the door at the very back of the pub. It’s a tiny toilet that smells a little like recent vomit. I shove the door shut behind him. I wish I had a moment to collect my thoughts, to remember exactly how I wanted to confront him, but I seem to have shut everything I wanted to say outside of the room.
“This is cozy,” Gabe says. A mirror the size of a book is hung above the sink, and I’m glad I can’t see myself in it.
“Where have you been?”
Gabe eyes me as if the question is a ridiculous one. “Working.”
“Working? All the time? All night?”
Gabriel shifts his weight, stares at the ceiling. “I haven’t been gone all night. Is that all this is about?”
It wasn’t all it was about, but I can’t remember what exactly it was that I was going to shout at him. My thoughts are scattered and gritty underneath my feet. I can only remember clearly my desire to hit him in the eye, and then all of a sudden, the most important thing comes back to me. “Benjamin Malvern came to the house this week.”
“Hmm.”
“Hmm! He said he’s going to take the house!” “Ah.”
“Ah! Why didn’t you tell us?” I ask. I hate that I am still clutching his arm. But how do I know that he won’t leave without my fingers on him?
“How could I?” Gabe replies. He’s dismissive. “Finn would go crazy and fret himself to death and you would become hysterical.”
“I would not,” I snap. I’m not sure if I’m hysterical right now. Everything I’ve said seems logical to me, but my voice feels a little out of control.
“Clearly.”
“We deserved to be told, Gabriel!”
“What good would it do? You two weren’t going to make any more money. What do you think I’ve been doing all these nights? I’m doing my best.”
“And then you’re leaving.”
My brother looks at me and his smile has vanished. What replaces it isn’t unhappiness. Just no expression at all, eyes narrowed against a wind I don’t feel. I can’t appeal to the feelings of this Gabe, because I can’t tell if he has any. “A person can only try so hard. I did my best.”
“That’s not good enough,” I say.
He removes his sleeve from my fingers and opens the door. The sound and smell of the pub swell into the airless room.
“That’s too bad. It’s all I’ve got.” Gabe shuts the door behind himself. I swallow my sadness as hard as I can. It only makes it halfway down my throat.
It’s all up to me. That’s what it comes down to.
I spend a long few minutes in the bathroom after he’s gone, my forehead resting against the door frame. I can’t go out right away, because then Tommy Falk will grin at me and make some stupid joke and I’ll burst into tears in public and I’m just not going to do that. I know that Brian Carroll is probably still waiting at the front of the pub for me, and I’m sorry about that, but not sorry enough to come out.
After a bit, I take a deep breath. I guess I thought, before, that somehow I could convince Gabe to stay. That somehow, through all this, he would change his mind. But it feels undeniable now. It feels like he’s already stepped onto the boat.
I slip out of the bathroom and find there’s a back door a few feet away from it. Two great decisions battle inside me for a moment — go up front, past Gabe and Tommy Falk and the staring men to where Brian Carroll maybe still waits. Or slide out the back door into the alley to lick my wounds and bide my time until the riders’ parade. Really, I just want to go home and crawl into my bed and put my pillow over my head until December or March.
I could eat my shame for dinner, it’s so thick, but I take the back door and leave Brian Carroll behind.
The wind tears down the narrow, stone-walled alley behind the pub, and as I head back to the street, I think crossly of hot chocolate and home that doesn’t feel like home anymore. I can see that there’s an even denser sea of people on the street now, and I’m feeling not at all motivated to swim in it at the moment.
Then I hear “Puck! “ and it’s Finn’s voice.
He grabs my elbow, unsteady, and for a brief, uncertain moment, I think Finn is drunk because I can believe anything of my brothers now, but then I see that he was just shoved from behind by the seething crowd. Finn finds my left hand, opens my fingers, and puts a November cake in my palm. It oozes honey and butter, rivulets of the creamy frosting joining the honey in the pit of my hand. It begs to be licked. Someone nearby screams like a water horse. My heart goes like a rabbit’s.
I let the cake drip and meet Finn’s eyes. He’s a stranger, a black demon with a ghastly white grin. It takes me a moment to properly recognize him beneath the charcoal and chalk striped across his cheeks. Only his lips are pink, where the frosting from his own November cake has rubbed him clean. He wears one of the false spears made of driftwood on his back, secured with a leather thong.
“How did you get that?” I have to shout to be heard over the mob.
Finn grabs my other hand and stuffs something into it. When I go to open my fist to see what it is, he pushes my arm closer to my body, shielding it from general view. My eyes blink at the wad of money in my palm.
Finn leans toward me. His breath is sweet as nectar; he’s had more than one cake. “I sold the Morris.”
I hurriedly shove the money out of sight. “Who gave you that much for it?”