Of course he’d told her I was back. Riley was that kind of guy. It made me f**king sick. “He’s a good guy. Far better than me. I’ve never denied that.”
“I know he is.” She lifted her chin. “I’m trying to like him. To care for him as more than friends. You showing up isn’t making it any easier on me.”
Delight hit me, hard and swift. So she didn’t have feelings for him yet. That meant I wasn’t too late. I laughed. “If you have to try, it isn’t f**king working. There’s this thing called chemistry between a man and a woman. It’s either there, or it isn’t. I don’t remember us having to try to like each other.”
“Yeah, and that worked out so well for us, didn’t it?” She glowered my way. “Life is just a bucket of sunshine and rainbows now.”
“Love isn’t always easy,” I said, silently begging her to realize that we weren’t done yet. I hadn’t been thinking clearly. I’d messed up, and I knew it. If she gave me another chance, I’d never let her go again. “I made a mistake back in D.C. One I’ve regretted since the moment I sobered up enough to realize what I’d done. I shouldn’t have left you. Ever.”
She closed her eyes. “But you did.”
“I know. Believe me, I f**king know it.” I reached out and tried to grab her hands, but she lurched back. I let mine fall back to my lap, empty.
Tears slipped down her cheeks. “You broke my heart.”
“I broke mine, too.” I dragged my hands down my face, releasing a ragged breath. “I was f**ked up. More so than I ever let you see. You have no idea how dark I was.”
“Which was the problem. You didn’t let me in.” She swiped her hand across her cheeks with jerky motions. “You didn’t trust me, or trust in our love. You just lied and left.”
“I know. But if you give—”
She shook her head, her whole body tense. “Don’t. Don’t ask me that.”
“Please.”
She covered her face, shaking her head. “I can’t do this right now. I was getting better. I was finally feeling alive again. And now you’re here, telling me you’re sorry? What am I supposed to do with that?”
“Forgive me,” I said, my voice raw. “Give me another chance.”
“To what? Leave me again? Lie some more?” She looked at me, her eyes shining with tears. “You have no idea what that did to me, because you just walked away.”
“I know.” I held my hands out. “I’m sorry. I can’t say I’m sorry enough times, I know, but I am.”
“That doesn’t mean you get me back.” She lifted her chin. “Riley wouldn’t hurt me. He wouldn’t leave me broken hearted.”
“Only because you don’t love him,” I said, frustration coursing through me. “He can’t hurt you if he doesn’t have that power over you.”
“Which is why he’s the better choice,” she cried out. “I don’t want to be in love anymore. Love isn’t worth the pain. Not if it hurts like this. It isn’t safe. It’s not real. It leaves all too fast, as soon as one person decides they’re done.” She pressed her hand to her chest, tears streaming down her face. “I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to be in pain. I don’t want to be in love.”
“You don’t have to be in pain anymore,” I whispered, reaching out for her hand. “I can make it better, and you can make me better, too. I was always better with you.”
She shook her head and yanked her fingers out of reach at the last second. “No, you weren’t. You were miserable. Always trying to change yourself for me and my dad.” She looked over her shoulder. I knew what she was doing. She was going to escape. “You think you want me, but you don’t. Not really.”
“No.” I grabbed her knee, my fingers firm on her. “I’m better with you. Don’t f**king leave me.”
She shoved my hand off with her elbow. “No, you’re not. Look what happened to you when you were with me. You were broken and beaten and at the lowest point in your life. I brought you nothing but pain, and you did the same to me.”
“My pain wasn’t because of you,” I argued. “You made me so f**king happy.”
“It was because of me!” She shouted, tears still running down her cheeks. “You tried to change for me. It’s my fault you got injured. It’s all my fault, Finn! You left me, and then you got better. Don’t you see? We’re no good for each other. It’s over.”
I wanted to push her further. To see if she still had feelings for me, but then she looked at me with tears in her bright eyes. “You’re wrong. Don’t do this.”
She laid down on the board and started forward. “You left me, and you’re better off for it. Look in the mirror if you don’t believe me.”
“I’m only better because of you.” I curled my hands into fists, yanking on my hair. “You saved me, even without you at my side, it was you who saved me that night.”
She paddled faster and called over her shoulder, “I’m no good for you. Go be happy with someone else. You won’t find your happily ever after with me anymore.”
She rode the wave away. I could have followed her. Could have forced her to continue this conversation, but I sensed it wouldn’t go the way I wanted it to. I’d have to bide my time and wait till she was ready to see me again.
But I wasn’t giving up on us. Not again.
I wouldn’t make that mistake twice.
Chapter Twenty-One - Carrie
A few days later, on Friday afternoon, I came out of my last class of the day and found Marie standing outside the exit. She fidgeted while nibbling on her lower lip. As I approached, I noticed she looked upset. I hurried to her side, not sure what was going on. “Hey, what’s up?”
She grabbed my hands. “He’s there. At our room. Waiting for you again. Just like he has been every single day since he came back. With a pink rose this time.”
Finn. Every single day, he’d shown up at my door and asked me to go out to eat with him. Or surfing. Or to the soup kitchen. And he always had a flower with a cute little message on it. Keep smiling. Don’t give up. You make me happy. Forgive me.
He wasn’t giving up. And I was scared one of these times I’d give in.
I smoothed my hair and blotted my recently glossed lips. Pink today. “Seriously?”