“I miss you so much, Ginger,” I whispered, dropping the bottle to the grass at my feet. “So f**king much.”
I stumbled forward. I shouldn’t be alive. Shouldn’t be here anymore. Maybe I should go to the beach, take all my pills, and end it. End the suffering, pain, and agony. No. That wasn’t painful enough. I deserved worse.
I deserved to f**king suffer.
Slowly, I made my way to the store, my heart in my throat the whole time. As I stood in the camping aisle, staring at the rope that could end my life, I tried to think of how best to do it. Where best to do it. I didn’t have a house, and hanging myself from a tree seemed too poetic. I just stood there calmly contemplating the best place to die, and I didn’t even care.
I’d hit rock bottom.
Chapter Sixteen - Carrie
Month four
I blinked up at the blinding light, covering my eyes with my hand. Peeking through my fingers, I just managed to catch sight of the bright blonde hair hanging down over my head. I’d been blissfully sleeping moments before, but now the light was freaking killing me. “God, Marie. What the hell?”
“Get up.” She yanked the covers off me, leaving them tangled around my feet. “We’re going out.”
I pulled the covers back up over my sweats and loose T-shirt. “What? No. I’m not going out. It’s…” I looked at the clock. “Uh…eight o’clock at night.”
Wow. I’d have sworn it was at least midnight.
“Yeah. Just noticing the pathetic depths to which you’ve fallen, huh?” She ripped the covers off again. This time I let her. “It’s a Friday night in spring, the weather is perfect, and we’re going to a party whether or not you like it. Enough moping around over him.”
“I’m not moping,” I protested, sitting up and rubbing my eyes. “I’m just tired.”
“You’ve been moping ever since you came back from D.C., and you know it. You woke up and he was gone. It was over. It was tragic and sad. He broke your heart.” She put her hands on her hips. “I’ve allowed you four months to get over it, but enough is enough already. You need to come back to the land of the living. Finn’s gone, but you’re not.”
I swallowed hard at the mention of his name, my fingers automatically closing around the sun pendant. Had it really been four months? It felt like only days ago that I’d woken up to find his room empty. No goodbye. No hugs. Nothing. Just empty, like me.
I nodded. “I know that.”
“Then get the hell up.” Marie headed for the drawers, rummaging through them and slamming them shut in progression. “Ugh. You need one of my dresses. All of yours aren’t right.”
“Right for what?” I asked, shoving my hair out of my eyes. “I really don’t want to go to a party. I’m tired. And there’s—”
“‘No other Finns out there.’ Yeah. I got that loud and clear the other twenty times you told me.” She rolled her eyes and pulled out one of her black dresses. I hated black dresses now. They reminded me of him. “How’s this?”
“No.”
She rolled her eyes and pulled out a dark green one. “This?”
“Marie…” I met her eyes. “Don’t make me go. I-I’m not ready.”
“You’ll never be ready.” She sat down beside me and hugged me so tight I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t mind one little bit. “But all you’ve done is sleep, hang out with me, study, and study some more. The only person you get dressed nicely for anymore is Riley, and even that’s a chore for you. Do you really want your life to be like this forever? To be stuck in mourning like this?” She squeezed my shoulder. “You broke up with him, he didn’t die.”
It felt like he had. I hadn’t heard a word from him since he’d packed up and left my parents’ house in the middle of the night. Lately, I kept thinking I’d seen him here and there. Outside of my classes. At the gym. At the cafeteria after dinner. But then I’d look again, and he wouldn’t be there. His ghost kept haunting me, even though he was still alive.
Hernandez was my guard now, and by unspoken agreement we didn’t discuss Finn at all. I didn’t ask, and he didn’t tell. Heck, I didn’t even know if they still talked. It was better that way…or so I kept telling myself.
Maybe Marie was right.
Maybe I needed to stop being so darn sad all the time. It had been four months, and he’d obviously moved on with his life. Maybe I should try to do the same, no matter how dull and boring it might be now. “Where’s the party?”
“At Sean’s fraternity.” Marie’s eyes lit up at the mention of Sean. All I knew about the dude was that he was loud when they made out, and he had a hell of a smile that Marie couldn’t shut up about. “You in?”
I sighed. “Yeah, I guess so. I’ll have to let Hernandez know.”
I’d told her who I really was two months ago, when I’d finally stopped moping around long enough to actually form a coherent sentence. We’d gotten even closer since she knew the real me. It was so refreshingly fun to not have to hide my identity from someone like Marie.
“Oh.” Marie’s smile faded. “Does he have to come? He ruins the fun with that frown and serious disposition of his. And those judgey eyes.”
“He’ll stay back,” I said, grabbing my phone. “And he won’t stare at you. Why do you hate him so much?”
“He’s Finn’s friend. That makes him the enemy in my book,” Marie said. She stood, the dress still in her hands, looking less than convinced. “I wonder if Riley could come down to meet us? What do you think?”
I pulled up Hernandez’s number and jotted off a quick text. Going to party. “I doubt it. He’d need more notice than twenty minutes.”
“Well, about that…” Marie fidgeted, her gaze skittering away. “I kind of sort of invited him down yesterday. Thought it might be time for you to open your eyes and see the boy’s in love with you.”
I tightened my grip on the phone. It vibrated, but I didn’t look at it. “No, he’s not. We’re friends. That’s it. Why does everyone keep shoving us together like we’re suddenly going to fall in love or something?”
Marie snorted. “You might want to be friends, but he wants more.”
“No, he doesn’t.” My stomach twisted at the thought. “He really doesn’t.”